Oh-my-bloody-god. OF COURSE. OF COURSE GOOP WOULD STRESS ABOUT NON-VEGAN LUBE. OF COURSE THEY WOULD RECOMMEND A $15,000 GOLD DILDO.
Gwynny Paltrow is nothing if on brand. Hello, universities? Marketing 101 that shit right there.
Goop, her lifestyle blog for the permanently white, has launched its first sex column, and the advice is just as Goopy has you’d expect.
It’s a Q&A with Dr Maggie Ney, and essentially seems to focus on the one, overarching question of all our vegan sex needs: is lube toxic? (Spoiler: oh god yes, honey you should using coconut oil and the tears of a virgin instead.)
“Many commonly sold lubricants have parabens and other toxic ingredients in them – what sort of impact can inserting these types of ingredients into the body have on the female reproductive system?”
and
“Any non-toxic alternatives to lube that you would recommend?”
and
“What else (i.e. spermicide) can make a condom toxic?”
to name a few.
The overarching advice here seems to be “yes, all this shit is toxic” (paraphrased) and “ideally, you want to find a vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free condom” (yeah but do they sell them at the servo?).
And did you know that many condoms contain dairy? We bet you did not, you vegan-pretending sex monkey.
Goop also rounded up their fave sex toys, which includes a $37.99 Fetish Fantasy Gold Beginner’s Fantasy Kit (includes handcuffs and a paddle etc, so, reasonable), a $535 Agent Provocateur Cat Whip (well that’s a bit bloody lux), and a $15,000 24-karat gold vibrator (ARE YOU TAKING THE FUCKING PISS, MATE).
We checked out the small mortgage dildo, and noted that there are just two – TWO – reviews for it: one from “Jean”, and one from “Leanne”, or as we like to call them, ‘Paid Reviewer 1’ and ‘Paid Reviewer 2’.
Source: Goop.
Photo: Getty / NBC.
