Pour yourself a glass of something good and get hori on the couch. It’s time for the premiere episode of Channel Nine’s re-launch of the series that brought us such unforgettable television moments as the dancing doona, and introduced “turkey slapping” into everyday vernacular. Big Brother is back. Join me, Suz (and anyone else within earshot who might want to contribute), for the first Big Brother live blog of 2012. May the gods have mercy on our souls…
7:00pm New house. New housemates. But can they keep a secret? says the ominous voiceover. Out come a troupe of tuxedo wearing dancers and host Sonia Kruger are executing jazz dance moves to the LMFAO song “Body Rocking” but what should be called “Shuffling” because there’s a lot of shuffling involved. Can someone please ban that effing song?
7:05pm: Sonia has just taken us on a visual fly through on the house. Includes retro interior styling and an outdoor pizza oven. Lucky jerks. Sonia Kruger’s outfit is brought to you by the brand Glad.
7:06pm: Brisbane guy Michael with terrible hair who refers to himself as “the worst human being in the world” is the first housemate to get introduced. Based on my early observations I agree with his self-summation. He has the kind of misguided self-confidence that only someone who thinks it’s a good idea to go on Big Brother can. Get that hair out of your face, hey mate? You look like an extremely rough version of Ron Weasley’s little sister.
7:10pm: Bless the producers, they’re showing lengthy footage of Michael running through the house like a knob – really gifting us with an early distaste for him.
7:11pm: Time to meet the next housemate Sarah. She is an animal-loving car salesperson. Heads up, FHM etc: “animal lover Sarah wants to sell you a ride” is the headline with Sarah in a leopard print bikini lying on top of a car. Done. You can thank me later.
7:13pm Sarah is let loose in the house and discovers a room with televisions hooked up to live video footage form the other part of the house. Sarah watches Michael scampering about the house while commentating on the drapes. Sonia informs us that Sarah is in a room that is not attached to the main section of the house. Ermahgerd SURPRISES!!!
7:15pm: Voiceover dude LITERALLY just said “the Big Brother house is swimming in surprises”. Twinnies!
7:19pm: Good to see Channel Nine haven’t updated the frightening 3 second techno theme song.
7:20pm: The next housemate is being introduced and her name is Angie. She hates negative people and loves hanging out with the boys. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome this year’s candidate for Most Insufferable Spa-Dweller.
7:21pm: Words she uses to describe herself “fun”, “bubbly”, anything that describes someone who totally deserves to be punched (in my personal opinion).
7:24pm: Next up is a conservative country girl named Zoe who hates boat people. Step aside Angie! We might have a new contender in the most easy-to-hate crown!! She tells Sonia she’s never been in a relationship. No comment…
7:30pm: Back to Big Brother after at least ten minutes of Channel Nine cross promo. Zoe has just entered the secret girls room where Sarah and Angie have been getting acquainted. They watch Michael while he charges around the backyard drinking out of a champagne flute through a straw.
7:32pm: “Is she deaf?” my boyfriend says as the next housemate Layla introduces herself in the video package. Uh no, honey, she’s from Manchester.
7:34pm: Layla is large and #sexy with a plus-size model appeal to her. She definitely uses the word “randy” and has done body shots with backpackers countless times before, you can tell by looking at her. She’s my favourite housemate so far.
7:38pm: Next contestant has arrived. His name is Josh, he’s single, a surfer and musician, and “lives paycheck to paycheck”. You live paycheck to paycheck? Same here buddy! Don’t say it like it’s something that makes you special. He already tried a line on Sonia so I bet he’ll be a regular on Big Brother Up Late (if such a thing exists this year).
7:42pm: Meanwhile back in the house, Michael is rifling through the kitchen drawers lamenting the milk in the fridge is skim.
7:44pm: “MICHAEL, TO THE DIARY ROOM” – Big Brother speaks for the first time! Michael eventually finds his way to the room after Big Brother steers him off a few wrong turns. My attitude toward Michael is changing… He’s been helping himself to snacks and is walking around eating them on a rectangular platter he holds. That’s a good way to live.
7:45pm: Michael goes to the backyard as directed by Big Bro and meets Josh. MAN HUG #1.
7:47pm: The next housemate to get introduced is Marilyn-inspired pinup Charne (pronounced “Shar-Nay”). She works at Draculas theme restaurant on the Gold Coast, which is a place I’ve always wanted to go. This is the closest I’ve ever been to experiencing that.
7:49pm: Uh oh! Next up is Estelle a law student who calls herself “a little bit street”. She’s a law student, skater and “a rapper” (according to Sonia) with strong moral beliefs. Hates homophobia and racism. Let’s look forward to when she and Zoe meet. Can’t wait to see the life lessons. Can’t WAIT.
7:57pm: The next housemate is Stacey. She says she’s uncool and has started using “cray cray” quite a lot. It means “crazy”.
8:03pm: Next up is Bradley a nerd who has never gotten to second, third or home base. I hope someone – Josh maybe? – tells Bradley not to use the base analogy. He’s an awkward pet who I have an early soft spot (sympathy?) for. Sonia Kruger obviously feels the same way I do because she just let Bradley get to first base with her.
8:08pm: Big Brother is revealing the “secrets” to the girls (who SCREAMED when Bradley walked in to the other part of the house. Because nerd virgins are adorable, obviously). The female housemates have one week to allocate a “secret” to each male housemate. Big Brother revealed a bunch of options, including “I have a genius IQ”, “I have dated over 100 women”, etc. Stacey yells “I bet the little boy is the millionaire!” about Bradley.
8:14pm: The male and female housemates have now been combined. Michael is in the pool. Sarah, Angie and Layla start gathering around Bradley. “How old do you think I am?” Sarah asks him.
Women who ask that question are basically entrapping the male into placing themselves on the angel-arsehole dichotomy. If he gets it right, he’s a genius. If he says she’s older than her real age, he’s a stupid insensitive arsehole. If he thinks she’s younger than her real age she thinks he’s an angel. I know. I’m a woman. We’re jerks.
8:25pm: After subtly grilling the lads about what possible “secrets” they could be keeping, the female housemates have returned to the parlour for a debrief. Apparently Bradley is NOT the one with the emu fear. Zoe is suspecting that Josh could be the housemate with a genius IQ. It’s anyone’s game though. LOL.
8:29pm: I will actually watch Underbelly: Badness after this.
8:33pm: OHMIGOD Michael just pulled out a gay shark joke someone made in our office not three weeks ago. Michael also has a faux fur blanket draped around his shoulders, accessorised with a rose pink hat. Early in the piece he has assumed the position of ridiculous dresser.
8:38pm: That’s a wrap of episode one my friends. Until next time pals…