Based on the Big Brother primers that Channel Nine have been running on loop, this series will have the Biggest Twist In Big Brother History (what? Bigger than a secret genius?) and also threatens to be populated by people who are actually tolerable, nice individuals. Ew. Come with us on an intermittent journey in reality television as we live blog the premiere episode of the Nine Network’s second season of #BBAU from 7.00pn AEST. We might live blog other episodes – maybe the eviction shows? – with potential special live blog guests (Micky B from last season: call me!).

7:02pm: An inspirational montage of the “14 YEARS… 63 COUNTRIES… 1 TEA BAGGING INCIDENT” spreads across the screen before a visual megamix of the previous Big Brother Australia winners (LOL – the Logans!) stirs emotions that we haven’t felt since this time last year. Sonia Kruger sambas onto the stage, recalling her champion Ballroom Dancing days of yore. She wears a gown covered in the melted leftovers from the Iron Throne.

7:07pm: House update: There’s a dishwasher.

7:08pm: Sonia K is interrupted midway through her BB house interior fly-through by Big Brother. According to the big guy, she almost revealed “the first big surprise”. Oooh.

7:13pm: Okay, Kruger just introduced the first housemate. Her name is Mikayla and she is an English teacher. Mikayla was all “I’m the Ingrish Teacher!” because she’s from South Korea and is, needless to say, ASIAN, and the people at her school must be all kinds of racist.

7:17pm: After randomly selecting a key from a wall, Mikayla enters a futuristic doorway (that looks like a recreation of the closing credits to Get Smart), and she immediately notices a large transparent wall that is separating the tiny outdoor patio into which she emerged, from the large spacious pool and garden on the DreamWorld back lot that we’ve become familiar with. Once inside, Mikayla realises it isn’t just a smaller yard she’s been relegated to; it’s a tiny shitty section of the entire house, cordoned off with plexiglass, complete with tiny shitty beds.

7:22pm: We meet housemate number two: a selfish lover named Xavier. He also picks a key that goes into Tiny Town! Ha ha ha! PLEASE have selfish sex in the miniature half-bed.

7:30pm: Sonia has just confirmed that the Big Brother house has been split in two: “the good bit and the bad bit”. Well said.

7:31pm: Next contestant! Her name is Tahan and she’s a part-time model. She’s a girly-girl who lives in Melbourne and “tells it like it is” but she’s a country girl at heart, raised in a place called Humpty-Doo in the Northern Territory. I had to ask my boyfriend to confirm whether or not Humpty-Doo is a real place, or a magical land of Do-As-You-Please from an Enid Blyton book.

7:36pm: Tahan lands in Tiny Town as well! Upon discovering her new housemates, Big Brother announces that Tiny Town’s official title is “The Halfway House”. All three are already whining about absence of soup with the white bread BB left out for them. “You look like a girl who doesn’t eat carbs,” Mikayla says to Tahan and requests her ration of white bread, becoming the first quotable person on Big Brother’s new season.

7:43pm: The next housemate is Ben, an avid Kerri-Anne Kennerley and Bert & Patti Newton fan (good grief man! Can one be both?!), of whom my current house guest mutters “I swear I’ve seen him on Grindr”. Ben selects his key: He’s chosen well and is in the Grande Palais of the BB compound! Tahan scowls prettily from Camp Craphouse; Ben’s got sushi.

7:50pm: Um guys, I’m pretty sure the latest contestant to be introduced is the Tully who used to be a Pedestrian intern. Before my time, but I swear I’ve seen her in photos. She’s a hot lesbian and social media guru who lives in Newtown with her girlfriend, ridiculous puffball dog and just suggested to Sonia that “hashtag Sonia looks great tonight” after Kruger put her social media knowledge of trending hashtags to the test. HI TULLY! HI FROM PEDESTRIAN!

7:53pm: #BadLuck – Tully’s picked a key to the Shit Shack.

8:00pm: Next to enter is Tim, a hipster guinea pig-farming Van Wilder type. He “likes girls with big, blonde curly hair”. Guess what Tim’s hair looks like?

Don’t guess. Here’s a picture.

8:04pm: Guys, so far Tim is easily in the lead for Big Brother Contestants I Most Want To Punch. Usually my instincts are so off on this kind of thing, I’ll bet you a nudie run he’ll end up being one of my personal favourites. Tim’s with Ben in Normal-Sized House.

8:06pm: “Is Sharon the woman Australia is going to love to hate?” wonders my boyfriend aloud, as personal trainer and mother-of-three Sharon arrives on stage. She seems stern. Personal trainers scare me. She’s entered the Life Size section of the house. She tells everyone how cute and gorgeous they are. Aw now I feel bad for being a judgmental dick about the PT thing. Personal trainers ARE often dicks with weird priorities though.

8:15pm: Attractive twin named Ed who respects women (OMG! RARE! GIRLS FORM ORDERLY QUEUE! etc) enters the house next. His aforementioned twin brother plays for the Western Bulldogs. Ed tells Sonia Kruger he isn’t looking for love per se, but “we’ll see what happens”.

8:20pm: Sonia introduces Matthew, a former soldier serving in Afghanistan who is now an electrician with an ultra ripped body, a result of electricianing and daily surfing. Definitely has a pretending I’m a salt of the earth guy but secretly think I’m hot shit kind of vibe.

8:28pm: The Hero picks the Halfway House. Meanwhile, Tim claims he is getting “picked on” because he’s the most annoying person in the world and the housemates are just reacting with a perfectly reasonable response.

8:33pm: Another lady entered the house. Her name is Heidi and she is a radio announcer from Newcastle. She and Tim strike up an immediate rapport.

8:37pm: Next up? Jasmine, described by Sonia as “the high flying Jasmine!!” Needless to say, she’s a flight attendant. Sonia’s pun game is ON tonight.

8:43pm: Big Brother calls the gang in the good side of the house into the Diary Room. They are informed that the neighbours in Shitsville have access to the house’s only laundry and they cannot refuse People Of The Good Side’s request to have their washing done. Ugh.

8:47pm: Next up is Caleb, a fireman with blond streaks who describes himself as “a sensitive New Age guy”. Hot tip: Dudes who refer to themselves as “sensitive New Age guys” usually aren’t.

8:52pm: Caleb picks a key to the dud house where he is welcomed enthusiastically by the poor dipshits he’ll be sharing miniature beds with.

8:56pm: Tahan is threatening to jump in the jacuzzi with assistance from Caleb. He gives her a leg up over the fence and Big Brother immediately intervenes. “Jahan, you crossed entirely through the fence… Caleb, you crossed halfway through the fence… Since you’re so keen to get in your swimwear, Tahan you can bring all of your clothing to the diary room except for your swimwear. Caleb, you can bring half of your clothing to the diary room.” OH SNAP BIG BROTHER YES! ENCOURAGE MORE SEX AND NUDITY!

9:07pm: As per the producers evil plan, Tully has hit the Diary Room to share with Big Brother her feelings about this grotesque segregation and how it has clearly made some housemates go mad with power.

9:10pm: Mother/PT Sharon has a quiet moment in the Dairy Room to tell BB that she has a connection to Ben and wants to “tuck him under her wing” which is extremely sweet. Back in the living room Tim complains to Heidi that he’s annoyed that Ben is “more eccentric” than him, because he wants to be the most eccentric one. This guy…

9:15pm: Alright, that’s it for episode one. I haven’t really decided how regularly I’ll live blog the show (for personal sanity reasons) so I’ll see you when I see you. Goodnight all!