“Hello Bongle my old friend/I’ve come to live blog you again.” Paul Simon, of & Garfunkel, 2012.
Just kidding! Hello, it’s moi again – not Paul Simon – but you could be forgiven for thinking that a poet such as he was responsible for live-blogging all five episodes of Being Lara Bingle thus far. In thinking that you would be wrong, but whatever. This is neither the time nor the place for thinking! Time to blog/derp!
7:55 – How was your week? Ugh, I know right. More like “The Shite!” Anyway. I’ll kick things off with tonight’s Le Bing meme, a continuation of ‘Bongle pls’ from the week before last, however this time I’ve incorporated BFF/caretaker Hermione Underwood, now Hooby. Pls enjoy. Side note: JuliaBot 2.0’s chicken is so under cooked! I hope she goes home back to her mother(board).
8:08 – I also wish I had a dollar for every hug that’s ever been dolled out on MasterChef. I would have so many hugs/dollars.
8:10 – Tonight on Being Lara Bingle: legal woes, cellulite and who has been sleeping in Lara’s bed? One of the cast of The Shire from the sounds of things (fake tan). The girls are conducting some kind of Blonde Ambition Inquisition and Josh Bongle is their unwitting victim. It’s all about his sleepover antics while they were in L.A. Those are some hideous Ugg boots, J-Bing. There should be an inquisition into those. Josh makes a jab at the colour of Lara’s skin, to which she replies, “My skin is real. El Naturel“. Good one, Lereh. That is a good one.
8:14 – Lara is off to Melbourne with MAX MAY to conduct some promo work for H2CoCo, a coconut water business Lara has a stake in. See! She is an entry pee noure*. First stop: Boost Juice HQ, where Max pulls out his bag of tricks and Lara is briefed on her promobligations (yes, I just made that word up). It’s not a big deal guys, but I was a Boost V.I.P. cardholder when I was young and dumb enough to spend $8 on a mango smoothie, so Lara and I have this affliction in common – one of many things – I think.
8:15 – “Hello, it is me, The Sharon, using my new age iPhone while I am being filmed, el naturel.” That was Mrs Le Bing on the phone telling Lara – and the rest of us – that Brother Josh has been fined $800 after pleading guilty to an assault in Sydney for an offence that took place at the races three years ago. Josh is being harangued by the media as he leaves the Downing Centre like “he is the Queen of Jubilee” – or so says some obnoxious/idiotic Yes Man with the worst highlights I have ever seen. “The Queen of Jubilee” is not a thing, nor is that a sentence – and I think I know an ill-formed sentence when I see one! Amirite, readers!? Time to conference with Josh, who is being hounded by the paparazzi while Lara is hounded by her fans in Melbourne. ‘Tis a tough life that these Bonglés lead.
8:24 – Oh hey, we’re back in Sydney at Ucello in the Narcissus Ivy Complex having dinner with Cara – Lara’s something something (didn’t catch that). I think Lars is trying to set up Josh with a Real Girl, like Cara (Ryan Gosling reference). Cara is an event planner and is organising Lara’s 25th birthday, which promises to be a swanky affair (I read about it on teh intenetsz so I know these kind of things).
8:27 – Here it is – we’re at the ouroboros/ouroboobos GQ photo shoot; the product of which we saw today. In her element (and if anything, this can be described as such), Ms B. looks like she knows her way around a camera, but she has some serious pancake boob. The ‘idea’ behind the shoot has something to do with her fickle relationship with ‘the camera’ and also something about turning ‘the camera’ back on her. Isn’t that what we’re already doing here? I’m pretty sure everyone on set has been reading up on their Laura Mulvey in preparation for this.
8:28 – Halfway through the shoot, Lara somehow gets her henna’d hands on a copy of Famous, the cover of which features some very unflattering photographs of her cellulite-rippled derriere. Poor Lara. No seriously, that would be the absolute pits. The photographer is asking Lara to get a little bit dirtier, so naturally she gets in the bath. For real dramality though, how does Lara stumble across a copy of Famous on a closed set? Either a) Shine have got some very unkind producers working on Being Le Bing, b) Lara is a serious masochist, or c) GQ needs to fire an intern. All of the above, I think.
8:33 – Lara’s doing an interview at MTV with ex-VJ, Erin McNaught. Both of these girls enjoy Josh Goot’s quilted leather it would seem. They’re discussing the scrutiny to which they’re subject on a daily basis: “It should be about our brains and our abilities… hahah LOL” says McNaught, who has naught of an idea about how silly that just made her look.
8:34 – “Skinny girls are good. Skinny with no appetite. They’re a lot cheaper.” Wow. J-Bing is a being a fucking douchebag while scrambling eggs. That’s just a taste of the awful diatribe he’s cracking in this kitchen. The topic of conversation for the last four minutes has been Lara’s weight and yes, it is as interesting as it sounds.
8:37 “I wanna lose three pounds” says Lara. “Oh my god, you’re so skinny,” says Hermione. “Shut up,” says Lara. That exchange didn’t actually happen. I just quoted that verbatim from Mean Girls, because replaying that movie in my head is more interesting that watching these gormless people talk about weight any longer.
8:42 – Lara is having a colonic. A FUCKING COLONIC IRRIGATION PROCEDURE ON TELEVISION. I can’t process ALL THE SHIT JOKES. “Shush! This is not laughing matter!” says Lara. “NOR IS IT TELEVISUAL MATTER” says Australia.
“My ass is on fire!” cries L-Bong as she makes her way to the toilet cubicle, while a very ashamed/excited camera man brings himself to his knees and points his lens in the direction of Lara Bingle, Taking A Dump.
“Please let me Instagram this photo of you on the toilet” says HERMROID as we cut to full-bodied vision of Lara sitting on the toilet covered in AN ORANGE BLANKET OF SHAME BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING AWFUL.
8:44 – Surprise. Having her arse flushed out with water failed to immediately shed kilos from Lara’s bingle, so she’s taking to the gym for what appears to be a very lacklustre attempt at boxing/exercising (says the person who has never set foot in a gym/is reaching for the dumplings). “If this is what it takes to get a magazine cover, this is what I’m going to do.” And I will watch you do it, Le Bong. I will watch you do it.
8:45 – Oh no. It’s over. Next week, Girth Moody will make his television de-butt (Jessica Mauboy/colonic reference) at Lara’s black tie 25th. This is going to be some fancy shit, so don your best Goot, work on your el naturel tan and have your sphincter flushed to remove any feces and toxins from your fucking colon and intestinal tract because this shit is going to be real classy. Really. Fucking. Classy. Shit.