Being Lara Bingle Episode 05: Live Blog

Hey guys! Good thanks, how are you? I don’t know about you but I have been looking forward to tonight’s episode of Being Lara Bingle all day. You might not have picked it up from the tone of previous BLB LB’s (one, two, three, four) but I am living only for this show at the moment.

So much so that this morning I decided to get in touch with Lara on the Twit to let her know just how pumped I am for tonight’s ep. You know I’m pumped because I never use words like ‘pumped‘:

Bless her cotton socks! I think she might have misread my tweet: what I said was that I could in fact wait for tonight’s episode; not that I couldn’t wait! Whoops. An easy mistake to make you might think. Wrong! Shout out to the Eyework’s Production company, the show’s producers, who also gave me a good ole RT. It just goes to show that you can write anything in ALL CAPS and get a retweet just by asking for it. That’s how Twitter works.

As you can see from Lara’s very #helpful tweet, tonight we’re off to India! I’ve already been to Bombay twice tonight (if you know what I mean*!) Commence!

8:11 – “I think it’s important to listen to everyone then filter it into your own mind and take it in.” #Nofilter.

We’re still in LA, sitting on the dock of the bay with MAX MAY and HERMY1, where the terrible trio are raising a toast to farewell to the City of Angels to “escape” to India for a chance to relax and have some downtime to plan the next step of Operation Bongle, which as we’ve seen so far is a pretty taxing operation.

The sounds of sitars signal that we’ve arrived in the back of a cab (in India, duh). Bongle and Herms are talking to Yadav the taxi driver about their intention to “see the real India” though the lens of a reality television show of course. Yadav tells Laz that they have to stay inside the hotel today on account of a petrol price strike. It’s here, in her element – poolside – that Bingle is “practising” her reading. This is not off to a good start.

8:21 – BARF LOLS! Something stinks and it isn’t what’s outside the car. Lara is instagramming the shit out of India from the back of her town car wearing a nice sheer Sam Sparro number (black and gold! Sorry!) This is the “real India” right guys? If so, I want to go to there. Argh! I forgot to include tonight’s meme! Our Price is Right champion Costa worked really hard on this one. Thanks, Costy!

Lara is having her palm read/eating some spicy food in a “humbling” dwelling.

Do I really need everything I have?” asks Le Bing. “Do you really need to ask that?” asks All Of Australia. Now it’s time for some palm-reading goodness. So according to the Guru at hand (or palm!) Lara’s future will involve some problems, although Mother Bingle, Sharon, is destined for good health. Phew. Lara’s money line is strong (how/why we still don’t know) and there will be wedding bells come September, followed by three babies. This is all good news/really boring.

8:26 – Here’s an ad introducing Rif Raf from The Shire, who’s beatboxing about his ability to leave you “physically, mentally and emotional disturbed.” I CAN’T WAIT! See the difference, Lara? Can and cannot wait are two different things. To be fair though, I can also wait for The Shire to begin.

8:30 – Now it’s time for some cross-cultural dress-ups as L&H try on some traditional saris, the reason for which I’m still unsure of. I think we’re going to meet Jason, Lara’s stalker! In head-to-toe traditional garb, Lara and The H-One are dropped at like a “seven way intersection” and left to find Jason, which is really hard because they’ve never actually met Jason and there are people everywhere! #DevelopingWorldProblems.

This is some real Lost in Translation shit right now, like that final scene with Bill and Scarlett but nowhere near as good and I’m sorry I even mentioned the two texts in the same sentence. “What have I got myself into?” asks Lara of anyone who will listen.

Rejoice! For here is Jason, who unfortunately bears no resemblance to Jason Voorhees and who is definitely asking himself the same question (‘.e. “What have I got myself into?“). Lara is wearing some really nice Balenciaga heels, which are definitely not appropriate considering all the unsealed roads and whatnot. Whoops – good one, Lara! I bet fashuns faux pas wasn’t anticipated at all.

We’re at Jason’s house – well, Jason’s Mum’s house – for whom Lara and Herms have brought a lovely birds of paradise bouquet. Nice touch, ladies.

8:34 – Small talk time. Lara’s hobby is “anything in the water” and Jason’s is “watching action movies and music.” He’s going to play our Blonde BFFs the song that comes to mind whenever he thinks of Lara. I can’t decide if this is quite endearing, incredibly creepy, or entirely staged from the get-go. Jason’s Song For Le Bong is Maroon 5’sShe Will Be Loved‘! It’s so appropriate – you know, “beauty queen of only 18/she had some trouble with herself/… she will be looooved” etc etc. Serendipity or script-endipity? You decide.

Jason’s mum is angling for Lara to take him back to Australia, which is almost definitely not going to happen – although it would make for a great plot development later on if Jason showed up at Icebergs one day. To wrap it up, naan style(?) he’s sprouting some heart-warming platitudes about the importance of family and blah blah blah. I just rubbed chilli into my eye so things are getting a little difficult on my end.

8:41 – Are we running overtime tonight? Back in the car (formerly known as “the real India“) Hermione is reapplying mascara while singing Maroon 5 in an Indian accent, “Bollywood style.” Is this racist? Discuss. We’re off to a Bollywood dancing class, where there’s lots of gyrating and smiling. Lara is actually doing quite well but Herms is failing dismally. Uh oh. I’m smiling too?! Shit.

Now we’re off on another montage, which sees Lara learn all kinds of things about the life she’s leading. She’s ruminating on materialism or something, and about how she has come to realise that she doesn’t actually need to live a life full to the brim (I miss Lara’s Sea Captain hat) of superfluous possessions, which may or may not include reality television shows. It’s good to see Jason left some of those heart-warming platitudes for Lara to regurgitate – what a nice guy. I’m glad to see some growth and development in Lara’s character. She’s really maturing/learning n shet.

Now it’s straight back to Melbourne where Lara has received a call from The Fur-Clad Tailor Maid girls (hey girls, how’s the Fendi treating you?) telling her she needs to return to her life of promo work. This probably entails promoting exactly the kinds of things Lara has supposedly come to realise that she doesn’t actually need to be happy. Oh well, you lose some, you lose some. I think after tonight’s episode, we all lose.

Next week: Lara ditches her top for a GQ cover shoot; however this time she’s willingly foregoing boob coverage in favour of, well, coverage of her boobs. I don’t know about you guys, but I can wait. C u nxt wk!