Want irrefutable proof that the world is a vindictive bitch that wants nothing more than to slowly take all the nice things away from you?
Some absolute lowlife idiots are about to unleash an unfathomable punishment upon us all, because we dared to take a simple little joy from something that wasn’t supposed to provide it.
The Sealed Air Corporation – and aren’t we off to a positively ripping start in the excitement stakes there – have announced that they are about to roll out a new version of the much beloved and widely used Bubble Wrap. The big difference here? This new stuff features bubbles that are impossible to pop.
And it gets worse.
The wrap will be shipped in flat sheets, uninflated, and you’ll have to obtain a special pump in order to inflate the damned things yourselves.
AND IT GETS WORSE.
The name of this new abomination? iBubble Wrap.
We’re being punished, people. We are being punished. Somewhere, somehow, we’ve fucked up really freaking bad, and this is our penance; a horrible, nightmarish, joyless existence where unpacking internet orders becomes 15% less fun, or where an exhausted young mother can’t spend $3 on a 15 metre roll of the stuff and have her precocious little three year old occupied for a good hour or so whilst she has a well earned wine in the bath.
The whole thing is being done at the behest of online retail giants like Amazon, who are concerned at the space requirements of storing existing bubble wrap; the new product is 50 times smaller before its inflated than after.
What do you think about all of this, Mr Horse?
Right on, brother.