BACHIE RECAP: Brooke High-Tails It Outta There ‘Cos Badge Is Withholding

Hello, it’s time for another Bachie recap, except without your dear friends Mel and Josie. They’ve gone missing, it’s on me now, I’m really sorry you’re stuck in this position. I’m going to try and talk you through your loss.

Wow, we’re coming in strong on finale week, quite literally, with Honey Badger doing a cheeky shirtless run through the bush so wow, okay. It’s a lot to take in and I feel like a creeper.

Badge’s voiceover tells us he’s glad he “got to build something special with three wonderful women“, and that hometown visits didn’t make choosing his future wife any easier, but only “bolstered [his] feelings towards [all three of] them“.

They’re all amazing in their own way, they’ve all got something uniquely beautiful about ’em.

You’d fucking hope so after leading Brooke, Britt and Soph along this many weeks.

Anyway, first up on the dates – they all get a date before HB chooses which ladies are gonna meet his family (again??? because that already happened right, they already chose Brooke) – is Sophie, who is wearing a nice coat, and says her feelings for Cummins “keep growing strong“.

Meanwhile Badge describes her as a “slow burn“, but is continuing to throw out the one-word compliments, calling her playful, intelligent, driven and passionate. He comes to pick her up in a fancy car and the wind blows her hair and his curls all around, and he seems to be driving not very safely, get it together, Bachie. SEATBELTS.

Anyway, he’s decided to challenge Sophie on her whole adrenaline junkie vibe and they’re going fucking skydiving and clearly neither of them want to. It’s actually upsetting to watch.

Why does he insist on taking the girls on these dates? Nobody wants to be on the daredevil dates, not even the Badge. Pls let it END. Also pls stop testing the women. Just like have one good convo with them about something that is not your feelings for each other. Surely one or both of you has a hobby and/or interest.

Honestly atm watching them pretty much shit themselves on national television in a tiny plane is not entertaining, it’s just worrying. Like that man looks so afraid. She’s saying she’s freaking out, but he looks like a man hurtling to the ground and they haven’t opened the plane door yet.

Anyway if I was Sophie I’d be there going fuck skydiving on a windy day, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this date, I’m out. CYA LATER.

Anyway they have a smooch and he prepares to launch himself out of a plane, while she says “Holy shit!” repeatedly, and he finally admits he’s “not in a good way“.

JFC, I’m about to wet myself at Badge with his “hooves over the edge” and I’m just on my couch with a cheeky tinnie rn. The view from the plane window is pretty nice but.

The pilot receives word – and thankfully passes it onto Badge’s skydiving instructor just in time – that they have to ABORT. It is too windy. This shit is unsafe.

They coulda just fucken died and I am shook. S.H.O.O.K.

Badge is relieved too, because otherwise he coulda ended up with “a very messy pair of undies“.

WE DODGED A BULLET THERE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” That laugh was too manic, it’s uncomfortable.

Time for a romantic chat by the pool with cheese, and fuck me I would demolish that cheese. All of it. Why doesn’t anyone ever eat while they’re having these srs chats? I’d be trying to say “You’re cute” through a mouth full of brie, washed down with a real big gulp of wine.

Anyway time for a chat and her to be hell vulnerable – they have stuff in common, Sophie says, like a passion for life, and their love for family and friends. She says “The love, the passion and the drive would be endless between us.” PASSSHHHHHH.

Okay now Brittany is also skulking around waiting for Honey Badger in a pretty coat. And I guess he’s reminded of Sophie so he uses the exact same joke format when he arrives – but she manages to pull a funny herself in return.

He turns up in a Messina truck – I am such a sucker, I could definitely go some of that rn – and Britt says that’s the stuff of her wildest dreams. And she’s into mango sorbet too. She has to say her fam liked him, even if they don’t trust him because of the whole Cass situation.

Anyway, Bachie says she’s a “classy bird“, so thank fuck she doesn’t have to do any of that extreme shit, she just has to climb a bunch of stairs to the top of a lighthouse, which is more my speed.

Try to tell me you didn’t think of THIS when that date kicked off.

Anyway, Britt reckons this is heaps spesh and not everyone gets to see this view, but I’m pretty sure they can if they climb those steps too. But okay, whatever you  wanna believe, gal. Still it’s a “beautiful view for a beautiful lady“, who has a “beautiful heart“, and there’s a snog, and I’m bored already.

It’s nighttime and they’re in the yard and having a sparkling wine or two, and Bachie wheels out a string trio, or in his language, “a bunch of units on an instrument that fang out a few beats“.

More compliments – she’s got beauty, brains and inner confidence – and they dance on the grass, and she’s wearing heels, and she’s still holding it together better than Cummins.

Britt’s still blown away by this being “the most romantic thing anyone has done for her“, and r u jokin’? No.

After the weird, awkward slow dance section, the couple move inside, and she decides to confront him about Cass.

Here’s his explanation: “We met through mutual friends, and we go to the same gym. and from that we went on a couple dates… We didn’t really hit it off at that point, it wasn’t the right time and it never went that way.”

Bachie explains the whole thing as a big ol’ coinky-dink, and Britt accepts his word at face value, the beautiful fool. Ultimately she admits she’s into him – “she’s all in“. She’s never said that to anyone before which really doesn’t seem like that vulnerable a move so…

Brooke’s turn! Bachie is in a not-leather jacket on a motorbike and he’s comin’ for her. She is not wearing a coat, it is very confusing. Does it mean something? I don’t know!

His voiceover is all about his feelings getting stronger and stronger every day, he’s spellbound. There’s a big smooch and winner’s music and he takes her to kindergarten art class.

Painting on each other seems heaps intimate, like too intimate, uncomfortably intimate. But at least they get a glass of sparkling while they’re at it, and they smooch a lot because they’re not very clothed and are very close to each other, I think it’s meant to be sexy but feels like a weird paint by numbers. Like he keeps rippling his pecs.

The winner’s music is unbearable which to me says she is the one who is bailing later tonight.

He’s raving about their connection, no barriers between them, and they’ve wound up painting a couple hugging under a tree at sunset across his chest and her shoulder, nice.

Gotta have a shower smooch to get the paint off and honestly we shouldn’t be watching this, they’re definitely about to bone. Bachie’s voiceover is all on and on about chemistry, how “it’s meant to be“.

Suddenly as night breaks Brooke DOES have a coat and they go to the place with lanterns to have a sit and sink some piss and talk about gross feeling stuff.

She tells him, “You’re the most decent guy I’ve actually met in a very long time.

And then she turns all this feeling shite around on him. She asks him to say how he feels.

Bachie says he has more respect for her than the others, but he is grappling with feelings for all the gals. He says he’s struggling to develop strong feelings for any one of them more than the others and it’s brutal to watch. Brooke is welling up and Badge if you do not hold her rn you’re a POS.

She just wants reassurance that he actually likes her! Brooke is all of us when we’re dating non-committal dudes! She is so upset he can’t just admit he’s into her heaps, like he keeps doing to camera, constantly.

ROSE CEREMONY!!!! Except no, Brooke walks out of there. She’s done. She’s had it. Osher meets her in the driveway and takes her to Nick.

Brooke tells him she’s hurt he wont just say he wants to spend time with her.

She should not have self-doubt about whether she’s good enough. She is better than good enough. She wants to be loved. I LOVE HER.

Brooke really is speaking to us rn. That needy girl who just wants to be reassured she’s special and cared about and he wont tell her.

You are incredible,” Brooke says when he just sighs instead of saying what she wants to hear. She needs to go home. She is done. “I care for you much more than you think.

Goddamn it is such a power move to take away his choice between three women. You high-tail it out of there because he can’t share his true feelings.

Bachie says he wants her to be happy, and he’s willing to walk her out. He’s gonna miss her, she gets in that car, get gone, Brooke. FIND SOMEONE WHO TRULY DESERVES YOU.