We’re down to the pointy end of Bachelorette folks! I think! Unless they manage to squeeze 14 episodes out of the finale week or something – it wouldn’t shock me.

Did we all tune in tonight just to take our minds off the heinous US election? I know I fucking needed some braindead fake romance to soothe my eyeballs after refreshing websites every goddamn five minutes.

Tonights ep was pretty meh, but aren’t the hometowns always that way? Once again, we copped some initially interesting hardasses who quickly turned into softies, as they always do. BORING! Someone wheel in an 89-year-old grandma who doesn’t know what a Zoom is and reveals all the sordid family secrets on national TV!

Anyway, we start with Fraser’s hometown. Which is on Zoom, coz his family live in Brissie. He’s just hanging out in some park kicking a footy with himself, as we all do on a sunny afternoon.

Just out here kicking me footy eh hahaha I’m so lonely

Eventually Elly lumbers in all keen bean to join in, and of course there’s some sort of “if you touch the ball with your left hand not your right I get to kiss you” game. Which ends with this R-rated situation:

Why is this worse than the chocolate bath somehow

After all those fun festivities the pair head off to meet the family, which involves chatting to his very stoic family:

No one looks happy to be here

And his mildly terrifying mum, who is one of those NORMAL people who says stuff like “why are people finding love on reality TV shows when they could just meet in real life” and asks Elly questions like “do you go on reality TV shows to find more TV work?”

She’s obviously my icon.

Yesssss queen give it to her straight

Elly is a bit taken aback by the TV sledge:

How dare you verbalise exactly why I am back on a reality TV show

But OF COURSE WINS HER OVER BY CRYING. Good lord, I’m so bored of the hard nut getting cracked with Bachie tears. PLEASE, next season give us an unhinged grandma.

Anyway Elly is totally smitten with Fraser, look at her face when he leaves:

Yeah don’t make it obvious who wins or anything, mate

So that’s that. Over in Becky-land, we’re having a fart-inducing smoothie!

That’s one way to get the nervous poos flowing

She’s meeting undercut’s family. What is his name? I have no idea. I also don’t care, it’s so brutally obvious he doesn’t win. Here’s Becky pretending to be in love with him.

Pull the other one, mate

The only enjoyable part of their Zoom chat is that guy in the background, who is either Undercuts brother, housemate, or secret gay lover and this whole thing has been a ruse to get more Instagram fame. I really hope it’s the latter because then at least he would be interesting to me.

Moving on! Time for ROCK BOY:

Thankyou producers for making him remove his shirt

Rock Boy is a surfer yiewwwwwwww surfs up mate cowabunga etc!! He takes Elly surfing! She has fun and then they go meet his sister and a guy who is either his brother or his sister’s partner (can you tell how little I am paying attention these days) and he is truly the best, because he says “hey Elly, has Adam rocked your world?”


Also, when he and Elly join the Zoom chat Adam goes this most unbelievable shade of puce. He’s just a big, adorable pucey tomato.

Bless this shy boi

It’s pretty fucking adorable. He’s such a lovely addition to this show because he seems genuinely shy and awkward in front of the cameras, unlike all these other show ponies who are vying for their time in the spotlight.

Anyway, when they say goodbye he’s like “I want to tell you something” but… doesn’t. I assume he was trying to say he has strong feelings for Elly or whatever but his shyness overcame him. ADORABLE. I LOVE THIS MAN.

Bless this sweet awkward rock boy

Unfortunately that scores him the losers rose (a ghost rose because it doesn’t exist!!! Get it!! Oh god I need to log off I think) with Elly choosing Joe and Fraser for the final two. SHOCK HORROR AND SHOCK AGAIN, RIGHT?

Anyway, Ten would be idiots if they don’t get sweet Adam to be Bachelor for 2021. IDIOTS.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and has resumed her position of refreshing election results. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter