Honestly I don’t see how many more episodes of The Bachelorette we can even HAVE at this point. There are like four men left, and I still can’t remember anyones name. Surely this thing is wrapping up in like, a week? Right?

I don’t know if it because Elly and Becky apparently asked for a wholesome season, or if it’s just the calibre of dude they’ve selected here, or if 2020 has just been so hellish that we’re all mentally exhausted and don’t want to see anyone happy anymore, but godDAMN I’m so BORED. I just literally don’t give a shit WHO these gals pick, you know? Someone please give me a pina colada and a bikini and let me go lie on a beach, I need this year to be DONE.

Anyway, the ep starts with all the dudes getting babies (not real ones, that would be insane and possibly illegal) to look after, as well as a filthy mansion. I have to say though, some of the guys look sexy as hell being fathers to plastic dolls.

Daddy

Elly and Becky watch the day in another room via cameras, and it’s basically a bunch of guys being suck-ups and doing all the cleaning and baby-caring, while other guys like Fraser take the piss and relax in a paddle pool.

I mean, he’s got this in the bag he can do what he wants

One shining moment has to be Shannon using what seems to be laundry detergent to mop the floors.

oh my GOD THAT’S NOT HOW YOU DO IT

At one point, Joe is cleaning the dishes and gets asked if he wants kids. He goes on this lengthy, dull soliloquy about how his siblings have families so he wants a family, and how he looks up to them… blah blah blah. Anyway it’s music to Elly’s ears coz she picks him for the winner of the challenge, while Becky picks Shannon.

On their date it’s pretty clear Joe is a bit smitten with Elly, but I swear she gives off friends-only vibes. I feel like the producers shoe-horned this dude into the show without her knowing, and she’s just chugging him along until she can boot him without seeming like a dick.

Wow, be MORE harsh Mel

When we head back to the mansion it’s mainly this bald guy having a stress cycle while banging on about how he never gets picked by Becky.

You cycle that pain away, honey

He then starts telling us how he’s not sure he’s into her, or that there might not be sparks there. Hahahahaha whatever you gotta do to save face here, my dude. Why can’t guys just be like “yeah look, it sucks she’s not into me but it’s all good, that’s life”? Why do they ALWAYYYYYS have to pretend they never liked you anyway? SMDH.

Haha Becky who? Haha (excuse me I have something in my eye)

Becky’s date with Shannon goes fine. It was so uneventful I didn’t even bother screenshotting it. Next thing we know, she’s pulling up at the mansion in a little zippy convertible thing and whisking that Undercut young bloke off for a single date!

Guess what, I didn’t get screenshots of this because AGAIN, it was SO BEIGE I THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING TWO COUCH CUSHIONS MAKE OUT. Honestly, they just talked about the beach or some shit. It’s clear Undercut won’t be winning but is, absolutely, Becky’s zesty piece of hot ass and you know what? You get those tongue kisses, girl.

Suddenly it’s the cocktail party and James, aka Mr. Earring, is riling himself up something serious about how little time he’s getting with Elly, and how Joe has all this HiStOrY with her. Which he doesn’t. Unless you count hooking up after a few too many Breezers.

But what KIND of Breezers coz if it was guava ones, that’s serious

Suddenly, someone’s like OMG A LETTER and we find out that tonight, two dudes will be going home and the remaining ones will move on to hometowns. YIKES. To decide who they’re booting, Elly and Becky are holding a dinner party where everyone has to be asked invasive questions! Funn!!!! And the first question is “what’s your fetish” hahahahahaha.

Hahahahaha make him SQUIRM

It’s to Mr. Earring, and he garbles his way through it (quite well, actually) saying he’s into being dominant but not TOO dominant. It’s pretty vanilla for a fetish but hey, at least he answered the question and didn’t just giggle into the carpet like a large teenage boy.

Things go downhill for Ol’ Earring from there, though. The next question is for the sisters, asking who they respectively thing is “right” for their sister. Every one of Elly’s dudes gets a mention from Becky, except for James. It’s pretty savage, to be honest. I’d be pissed too. But James goes hell-for-leather pissed. Giant baby tantrum pissed. He starts to go all tomato-coloured, rubs his face a lot and starts muttering stuff like “this is bullshit”. Yes folks, he’s gearing up for a good-old big baby tantrum.

All the signs are there

Eventually, as expected, he mildly slams the table and storms off. Elly is less than impressed, so we all know who’s going home, right?

THIS GUY.

Who also hugs both girls like they’re his long-lost cousins, why

The stress bike guy goes home, too. Surprise, surprise. Mr. Earring gets very emotional in the car, being all like “I lost the woman of my dreams” or some shit. I don’t know, I couldn’t hear over the crunching of my packet chips. Sorry!

Tomorrow night looks kind of fun, I guess? Some sort of brother figure gets all shirty with the girls, and there’s drama afoot with that divorced guy Becky likes.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and feels like getting another piercing after all this James viewage. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter