We’re back! After a bit of a series-fart moment where the World Cup of Whatever (I think it was cricket but also that was Twenty20? What does that mean?) that stole our Thursday episode from us, The Bachelorette is back!

We begin with everyone gathered around for their 5 minutes of outdoor time before retreating into wall cavities. Holly thinks Darvid is going to get a second single date, but guess what! It’s Holly! Jamie-Lee looks fully fake-stoked for her.

Everyone is a bit dirty about it, especially those who haven’t even HAD first dates with Brooke. Then the lady herself collects Holly in an electric car, which the producers go to great lengths to show us in run by electricity, and is also an electric car.

Wow, mechanisms

They head to the bush to meet an Indigenous woman who is going to teach them the art of weaving. With plant materials sourced from Brooke’s Country and Holly’s Country, they’re going to weave them together, “like our stories coming together” explains Brooke. It would be theeeeee cutest, most intimate date… if these two didn’t hug like two kids whose parents have forced them to be friends.

We need ONE PHOTO for Aunty Jean, okay

Idk guys, every so often I get major electricity from Holly and Brooke and then they seem like they have the chemistry of a damp motel towel. I can’t decide if it’s because Brooke is nervous around Holly, or disinterested.

When they sit down for supermarket cheese, Holly tells Brooke that she’s excited for her to meet her mum, but that it’s a really serious thing for her – she’s never had a serious relationship, and would only introduce someone to her mum if she’s for real about them – and them about her.

Basically, don’t break her heart, Brooke.

Brooke says she has been clear about her feelings – big Bachelorette Politician energy, which is understandable. This is the period where the Bachie has to hedge around feelings talk so we all think there’s still a choice being made, and not that they’re dreaming about jumping just one person’s bones by now. Which they are.

Then it’s time for the group date. Everyone’s on it, and it’s a sports date – with kids.

“We are going to end you, losers”

Here is the thing – kids are tiny demons who will throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice. It’s impossible to sound genuine when you’re being fun/playful with them to, say, impress someone – but if you talk to them like adults then you sound like a psychopath. I may or may not be speaking from experience.

There are three teams, and a bunch of challenges. The first is an egg and spoon race, and already Man Bun is all over it – be overly congratulatory, even when said child is being SLOW AND LOSING THE RACE.

Konrad almost has it but you can feel the intensity and drive to win – but really, I am Millie, who has been taken over by the spirit of Sharon Strzelecki and will win at ALL COSTS. AT ALL COSTS.

HACK THE BONE! HACK THE BONE!

She would deadset trample the other children if it meant she could win Protect The Treasure, the last game that involves stealing balls and putting them in some hoop. I feel so deeply connected to her – it’s like when I’m on the netball court and smash the ball out of the court, then refuse to go get it for the other team. Nah, you do it fuckers.

Anyway, she goes balls to the wall and while Brooke says she doesn’t mind her competitive streak, she does look a bit irked about it. In the end, Kurt gets the one on one time with Brooke for being an angel with little Mila, and not because he’s Timm in a Wig.

Okay jokes up Timm, peel the wig off

Their time together goes well, they pash. It’s like – there’s chemistry but she now has chemistry with a whole bunch of people, which is equal parts fun and unexciting for us. It’s fun, because we have NFI who will win this Bachelorette season. Hot Konrad? Timm in a Wig? Dancing Holly? Millie Strzelecki? On the other hand, it means EVERY damn date is a roaring success and we can’t pick someone to root for. Pun intended, he he he.

On to the cocktail party! Osh comes in and tells everyone that – shock – Brooke will be picking her person for the LAST SINGLE DATE tonight. Everyone looks stunned and unwell.

Honestly, has this season flown by? What is going on? Whatever the case it’s sent everyone into overdrive. Man Bun whisks Brooke away to show her a not-at-all-producer-made toy plane and promotional photo of them on their date.

Someone with a nose ring who I’ve never seen before in my life says that because she can’t go to Spain (??? who is Spanish here? How have I never seen this person?) she’s brought sangria… for them to drink.

It is me, Mrs Iglesias

It’s all on. Jamie-Lee puts Brooke on a LITERAL pedestal to dramatically deliver an ode to her or something. Will finally gets time with her and gives her a ring, only for a “secret admirer” to cockblock him with a bunch of flowers, delivered mid-chat.

Cool I’ll just go fuck myself then

That admirer is, of course, Darvid. The smoothest operator (and magician, you can’t change my mind on this).

He’s all blah blah, you always give us stuff so I wanted to give you something. Somehow it wins Brooke over, which is wild to me but sure. He gets the final date, everyone wants to rip his balls off.

*internal screaming*

Then it’s time for the rose ceremony. Holly, Kurt and Darvid have roses. I have also JUST realised that Enrique Iglesias is actually Ms Strzelecki herself, MILLIE, but she just had dramatically different hair and makeup. She ALMOST goes home but in the end, it’s Will and Man Bun who get the boot. Yep, two! This show is going at breakneck speed this year, my god.

Anyway, we’re down to the final five (!!) already. But it’s not time for hometowns yet – first everyone has to… watch everyone else go on dates with Brooke as torture, apparently. See you next time!

Melissa is a freelance writer and would also happily steamroll over a kid to win Protect The Treasure. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.