You know what it is, guys!! Time for the LIE DETECTOR ASIO GUY to come in and destroy love! I have been waiting for this Bachelorette moment since the season began. He is my favourite recurring character and his scary (sometimes sexy) energy can’t be ignored.
So we start the episode off with Brooke whisking Jamie-Lee (she’s the one who was on Brooke’s season of The Bachelor and that is all we know about her amen) up to the top of Centrepoint Tower in Sydney for no reason except to make her shit her pants (probably).
Is it just me or have all these dates been AWFUL? Hurtling through the sky in a war plane (which had a whole YVAN EHT NIOJ energy about it tbh), painting mud on each other’s faces, hanging off cliffs with a few dudes holding you up? These are not first dates they are rounds on Australian Ninja Warrior.
Anyway, the task for Brooke and Jamie Lee is to break the record for longest TV kiss while hanging in the air in Australia or some shit. Sam Wood has the record with Nina (who?), and let me tell you, if you cop the “do this quirky challenge!!!” date, you’re already out the door baby.
After they kiss Brooke gives Jamie Lee what I have determined is a very platonic hug. It looked like how I would hug my Year 10 teacher if I saw her in the street. They choof off to eat their supermarket cheese.
But!!! They got mango daiquiris! This is a LEVEL UP. Maybe Jamie Lee isn’t doomed after all. Especially if they got the mango daiquiris from Pancakes On The Rocks like I did with my boyfriend on our third date – that shit is FRESH.
They kiss again but this time it seems way hotter. Okay Jamie Lee, maybe you’ll survive ASIO man. Next, it’s the group date. It’s actually for everyone and it’s a sponsored garden party!!
Except it’s not! You can tell because instead of coming out in the mandatory pastel and beige shades everyone else has on (classic garden party bullshit), Brooke marches out in this extreeeeemely sexy/scary leather bra tuxedo or something. IDK it’s just this very intimidating look for her and not exactly woo-girl-garden-party attire.
She tells everyone that actually, they’re going to be grilled by Mr ASIO! Jamie Lee knows this is BAD. She’s done it before. Mr ASIO tells us all the usual stuff – he’s looking for actions that don’t match words, too many umms and aahs, and so on. God I would fail this so hard, um is basically the only word I know when scared of alarming ASIO men.
So Kurt’s up, and he seems to be passing with flying colours. But then Mr ASIO becomes Mr Shit Stirrer and starts asking him whether anyone in the villa isn’t being genuine in their feelings for Brooke.
Kurt (Timm in a wig) looks massively uncomfortable before eventually word vomiting out that he feels Ryan, some guy I could not pick out in a lineup, has been spending a lot of time with Jamie Lee and he feels he might be into her. He’s quick to say that he feels it’s one-sided on Ryan’s side, and that Jamie Lee IS genuine about her feelings with Brooke.
Ryan and Jamie Lee go through the gauntlet and Jamie Lee seems legit, but Ryan is almost hamming UP how NoT GeNuInE he is.
This, of course, then all gets back to Brooke. She’s very thrown by the possible secret crush and seems like she’s not entirely sure Jamie Lee is above board in the whole thing. She tells us she’s got her guard up now, mainly due to past experiences in the Bachie franchise.
So at the cocktail party she has a chat to Jamie Lee and poor Jamie Lee, man. She is practically sobbing. It’s pretty clear Jamie Lee’s not being a bullshit artist. Unless she’s gunning for a role on Home & Away after this – if so, someone cast her immediately.
She tells Brooke she wasn’t even aware of this crush, and she thought they were just friends. She also, rightly so, points out that she’s friends with Holly but that doesn’t seem to be a problem for everyone. At this point I can’t tell if Secret Timm is causing shit (probably) or if Ryan just cockblocked Jamie Lee.
Maybe this is all some shit stirred up by Secret Timm? But then that doesn’t really explain Ryan’s awful job with Mr ASIO. Either way, Ryan naturally gets the boot at the rose ceremony, along with some newbie I can’t remember ever seeing in my life. Bye, guys!
Next week – the Jamie Lee drama continues.
Melissa is a freelance writer and would love a job with ASIO, if you can organise that for me Mr ASIO. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.
