Another week, another two episodes of The Bachelorette! Thankfully, we have four intruders here to spice things up because otherwise it’d be that borza period where we don’t care about anyone (and neither does Brooke). I enjoy this new choice of violence from the producers.

So we open with Brooke fanging around the countryside dressed like Tom Cruise in Top Gun in a car she definitely does not own.

Why is it an 85 year old’s retirement vehicle tho

She’s meeting Man Bun for a date because he really impressed her on the red carpet with his zero chat. He rocks up wearing a fucking KHAKI TSHIRT doing the absolute bare minimum effort for this romantic moment.

Give us literally nothing, king!!!

It turns out all the khaki and Top Gun energy was on purpose – they’re going up in a military fighter jet on purpose. As in, not because the country has conscripted them for war.

YOU GUYS. It’s the funniest, stupidest date. They don’t even get to go in the SAME FIGHTER JET. They’re just separated waving to each other from their respective war planes. How is this a) fun and b) a way to fall in love.

You know what I love doing on dates is being 500m away from them at all times

Then it’s time to see who is on the group date with Brooke. All the newbies names are on there – including Man Bun’s, even though he’s literally on a date with Brooke at that very moment. No one is happy about this, especially not Carissa who is slowly reaching Jamie From Angie’s Season-levels of unhinged anxiety.

Over to Man Bun’s romantic supermarket cheese time with Brooke. They just bang on about how nervous they were in the war planes, probably because they thought maybe this was all an elaborate ruse to conscript the nation by sending them off to war first and televising it.

I’m so glad we aren’t currently getting trench foot right now

Anyway Man Bun is all I’M SUPER COMPETITIVE AND CONFIDENT LOL in this pretty arrogant way but Brooke just laughs and gives him the producer-mandated rose anyway.

As always, the group date is a humiliating obstacle course designed to break people’s ankles (probably). It’s team has-beens vs. team newbies. Some guy whips his shirt off because his entire personality is his abs.

Brooke: “what are your thoughts on post-lockdown financial support of the hospitality industry” Guy: *panics, whips abs out*

The has-beens go first and despite being cocky, they stumble a bit on the questions they have to answer about Brooke to progress through the course.

In the end, the has-beens win. Brooke has to pick one person for the one-on-one time, though, and says it’s someone who has been listening to her – Kurt, aka Timm In A Wig.

My evil plan is WORKING

Timm In A Wig has learned from his mistakes on Bachelor In Paradise – he’s telling Brooke he’s 29 now, he wants to share some experiences with a significant other, all the good shit. Eventually they pash and he gets a rose. I feel like yelling BROOKE HE’S TIMM!!!

RIP HIS WIG OFF

Then it’s time for the cocktail party. Everyone is TENSE – given Brooke took all the newbies on the group date, only four people really got to spend time with her this week. Carissa is, of course, the most tense. After laser-staring at Brooke for hours, she finally gets the chance to whisk her away to a broom closet for a chat.

“I hoped it would be a bit more romantic than this – can you smell Jif?”

She tells Brooke that she’s not sure she can fall in love under these circumstances – she felt they had a connection but now she’s watching everyone else having connections with Brooke, she’s not coping. IDK what rock this woman was living under but surely you know this is how Bachelorette works, mate.

What part of your five auditions and three group auditions didn’t tip you off

Anyway, she decides to leave which seems to genuinely throw Brooke off heaps. She says she thought they had something genuine, and if she could be off about Carissa WHO ELSE IS SHE OFF ABOUT. Oh you just know they’re setting us up for something juicy here. We love a juicy secret, Bachie gods! Gimme!

There’s no rose ceremony coz Carissa yeeted herself out of the mansion of her own accord, and it looks like that secret might be tied to tomorrow’s episode, because there’s a lot of old mate from Brooke’s season crying and Brooke looking very stern. Can’t wait.

Melissa is a freelance writer and hopes Kurt whips off his wig at the end of this for the Big Reveal as Timm. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.