I don’t know if it’s because I’m also watching Love Island at the moment with all its emotional carnage and the like, but this season of Bachelorette Australia feels heaps slow? Let’s get some spice up in here! I want to see people fighting for reasons other than “Darvid is a good guy who seems to genuinely like Brooke”, you know?

Anyway, we come back to everyone crawling out of the mansion like those underground monsters in The Descent to watch Konrad zoom off on a motorbike with Brooke for a date. I honestly think these people just sit in darkness eating microwave meals and staring at walls when they’re not being filmed, because they practically vomit with excitement over SOMEONE ELSE’S DATE.

oh my god SUNLIGHT

Konrad is also beside himself but at least he’s actually going on the date. He tells us he’s 6″2, which feels very bad-Tinder-bio to me.

There are lots of shots of them zipping around looking like human flies thanks to some very unflattering camera angles, then get to a self-care pamper day.

Hot.

YESSSS THIS IS THE DATE I’D WANT BITCH. Unless they’re about to scrub each other’s thighs or something, that would not be a mood.

OH NO NO NO NO.

NOT THE UNNATURAL TOUCHING!!!

Okay I take it back this is the worst date ever, Konrad is just gingerly squeezing Brooke’s shoulders with his fingertips and then they paint each other’s faces with mud. Hell.

At least their convo seems fun. They laugh a lot together, Konrad seems like a funny guy. There is a lot more awkward touching though, I just never want to see gentle, unsexual touching in close zoom.

make it stop

Brooke and Konrad pash under the outdoor shower and she seems giddy about him!!! Maybe he’s the new front-runner! Bye, Darvid and Holly!

Even when they sit down to chat on the couch with the discount supermarket cheeses, the vibes are strong. It all feels very easy and natural – Brooke seems the least nervous she’s ever been in this season, and Konrad is basically beetroot-colour with giddiness. It’s so cute!!

he’s just so excited you can’t be mad at it

You know what isn’t cute? The matching tracksuits everyone has to wear on the group date. It’s a competition and everyone is put into pairs, with tracksuits to match. It’s like watching a very budget and tense performance by The Wiggles.

Maybe this date also involves naptime

The first challenge is a go-karting race, and then because the producers spent all their money hiring the go-karts, the second challenge is to… untangle Christmas lights?

I mean, honestly

Okay, then. In the end, Carissa wins the one-on-one time with Brooke because she would help others out when no one was looking. Basically, she wasn’t an unhinged competitive leadfoot like Taje and Ryan, who were fanging around the go-karting track like they were in Formula 1.

Quick catch-up – Carissa was the one who in the first ep, was very spiritual and had this instant vibe with Brooke. Remember the turtle painting? THAT girl.

Here she is!

Brooke tells Carissa that she wasn’t actually sure if Carissa liked her because she would hang back a lot, but Carissa says she’s just not really a forward person. Basically, she’s not gonna be like CaN I PuLl YoU FoR A ChaT when someone’s been talking to Brooke for 2.5 seconds.

Brooke gives Carissa a rose, even though their couch chat doesn’t seem heaps vibey to me. They kiss and then, guys, I was right!!! Brooke tells us she’s confused because she feels like the kiss was a bit beige (I’m paraphrasing lol she didn’t actually burn Carissa like that) and it ends on a bit of a sour note.

Then it’s time for the rose ceremony. Brooke is wearing this INSANE outfit, she looks like the Heartbreak Demon or something. Like super hot but also a bit terrifying? Basically you wouldn’t want to cross her by, idk, talking shit about another Bachie hopeful or whatever.

She’s not here to fuck spiders, folks

Carissa is acting like she’s accidentally sat on an EpiPen – she’s clearly taken Brooke’s “you need to gimme something here” advice and gone balls to the wall with it. She is next-level chatty and hyper, and pissing everyone off. It’s these vibes:

But before anyone can grab Brooke for a chat, Osher walks in and does that pass-agg tap of his wedding ring on his champers. He’s here to tell everyone that not one, but four intruders are coming in. Like, now.

The first girl is Millie, who seems like a fucking sweetheart. She’s a gym manager and says Brooke is totally her type. Meanwhile, in the kind of chaotic energy we know and love from Bachie producers, all the old has-beens have to watch these newbies come in and flirt with Brooke. STUNNING STUFF. Everyone looks like they have poo in their mouths.

How dare this show bring in new people like it has for the past 8 years

The next guy is Kurt and is this a THIRD MAGICIAN?!

I’ve run out of magician names, why are there so many magicians this season

Then there’s another Jess, at which point Jess 1 looks ready to shank Jess 2 with the end of her champers glass.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

And then there’s a guy whose name I forgot but he’s a teacher and a jiu-jitsu athlete and he has a man bun. So he gets to be Man Bun.

Sorry dude

Then the curve ball comes from Osher. All four newbies can stay – if four has-beens go home!! Basically Brooke has to choose four people to go home tonight, which is SO MANY at this point! I think I might even recognise some of them, lol.

Then he says the golden words, the words that will bring on fights to the death – “now is not the time to play it safe”. OH GOD.

Carissa has not remotely calmed down, and has instead dialled shit up to 11 because she starts chastising Man Bun about trying to chat to Brooke. He’s not having a bar of it because she sounds, frankly, unhinged.

I will shit in your pillow, Man Bun

Except Man Bun is also unhinged, because while he politely goes to ask for time with Brooke while she’s talking to Kurt, then returns to pool purgatory with everyone else, he then goes BACK IN five minutes later even though Brooke said she’d come get him. MY DUDE, NO.

Also we have not discussed this but Kurt is absolutely Timm from Angie’s season with a haircut.

THE RUSE IS UP, TIMMBO

Anyway, Man Bun gets his chat with Brooke and it goes fine. I can’t see him sticking around for much longer, but he does make it through the rose ceremony. In fact, ALL the intruders do – and we’re faced with a bunch of people we ACTUALLY KNOW going home.

It ends up being these guys:

Hey, we know them!

The only name I know is Jess but like, I know their faces!! Shit’s getting real, you guys!

Anyway, next week it seems like Carissa’s still on one and not handling the pressure of the Bachie mansion, so the drama is definitely HERE now.

Melissa is a freelance writer and would also be the unhinged chaos machine if she ever went on this show. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.