Week two of Bachelorette Australia 2021, you sickos who are only here to watch people get drunk and jealous and hopefully fall into the pool! We’ve got a solo date and a chaotic group date on the cards, so buckle up.

We come back to Brooke zooming down a country road in a red convertible she absolutely does not own. She tells us she’s having her first solo date with Holly, her favourite (it’s so obvious) although she’s super nervous.

All we’re missing here is vomit on her shirt, mom’s spaghetti

The word “nervous” is said by both Holly and Brooke 4,590 times in the space of five minutes, as they clutch each other’s hands awkwardly and just hover around the front of the car. Brooke tells us girls always make her nervous, while Holly tells us she finds it funny that Brooke is nervous coz she also is nervous. Say nervous again.

TBF if I had five cameras including one up my left nostril while on a date, I wouldn’t just be nervous, I’d be quietly weeing myself.

They go to dance lessons, which feels like Holly’s getting the one-trick-pony edit here because surely she likes more than just dancing. Still, it’s pretty cute – Brooke says she’s a shit dancer but she’s not too bad, and the only un-cute moment is this creepy as FUCK camera shot through the indoor plants.

Bachelorette but make it Netflix’s You

Afterward they sit down on a couch with a supermarket cheeseboard as they always do and have a chat. Brooke asks Holly a bit about her love life and Holly is just really fucking cool, you guys. She’s super confident, really sure of herself – I understand why Brooke is nervous because GIRL HAS HER SHIT TOGETHERRRRR.

It’s also the coolest thing ever to see actual, complex conversations about sexuality being discussed on prime time TV, on a show that a LOT of Australia watches. Holly talks about being attracted to people, not genders, she talks about her experience telling her parents she liked girls, they talk about people who assume someone isn’t bi or pansexual just because they haven’t dated a girl before…. like, it’s definitely ABOUT FUCKING TIME we had this stuff on prime time, and it’s a bit frustrating it’s taken this long but it feels good, you know?

Holly gets a rose, they have a kiss, it’s cute.

“Mmm I see you had a little Mersey Valley from the cheeseboard”

Then it’s time for the group date and guys, it might be on chaotic levels of that one they had with Angie (or was it Georgia?) with the rescue dogs and the guys had to train them to do an obstacle course (HAHAHA that was the best ever). The first round is basically Squid Game and involves this giant blow-up circle, and two competitors have to launch themselves off the wall on a bungee cord to grab fluffy hearts. Whoever gets the most wins.

Little do they know the losers will be corralled in the bushes and put down

Osher is LOVING IT SICK. He has an air horn that he is definitely blowing more times than is necessary, and yells commentary like a horse racing radio announcer.

AAAAND ITS 43 43 yes 43 in the lead OH!!!! 24 up the inside!! Its 24 24 in the lead closely followed by agabagagagabagagadababa 43  TAKES IT OUT!!!!

A bunch get knocked out and the second round is these plastic hearts with strings, and every time someone gets an answer right they get to cut some strings off whoever they most hate’s heart. The savagery! We love it!

She’s imagining it’s that dick string guys have, the one you can break in sex

Darvid gets absolutely pummelled by everyone – all his strings are cut as Emily in particular exacts revenge for… him talking to Brooke at a rose ceremony once when he already had a rose. Okay then.

Emily wins, and rocks up to the rose ceremony looking like Villanelle from Killing Eve, which feels fitting given she just MURDERED DARVID ON THE FIELD.

Yes girl give us “I’ll expertly choke you with my calves”

Brooke takes Holly for a chat first and they just hug for 90 years while everyone’s like oooookay guess I should just go home now?

She’s actually just freezing cold in her summer gown and is using Holly’s body warmth

Meanwhile, whoever isn’t chatting to Brooke is sitting around Darvid giving him hell for literally BEING ON THE SHOW FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

What is the charge? A succulent Chinese meal? No, Darvid’s crime is that he doesn’t want to sit back and not spend time with Brooke just because he’s safe in the rose ceremony. So everyone hates him because he… likes Brooke and isn’t just playing the game. Okay, then.

Am I the drama? Is it me?

Jokes on them though because Brooke then takes Darvid for a chat and they pash!!! They have HEAPS of chemistry. I feel like it’s between Holly and Darvid at the moment.

Then it’s time for the rose ceremony. These ones are so boring because it’s always some random going home who we haven’t seen at all during the episode, and surprise surprise, here she is:

Bye… er… champ. See ya later, um, broseph!

Bye lady, didn’t know ya, never will. Sorry. You look like a nice person, if that helps?

Tomorrow night looks WILD – four new people! Four old borza people going home so they can come in! Thank you producers for this gift.

Melissa is a freelance writer and she would absolutely hug someone for 20 minutes if she had to film in winter wearing a summer ball gown. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.