BACHIE RECAP: Not Fucking Perth


We’re almost done with this season of The Bachelorette Australia, guys! Did that go lightning-fast or did it go lightning-fast. Except for that abominable two hour episode, I mean.

Really, Konrad’s pipped Brooke to the post (what does that even MEAN) by revealing his new relationship with Abbie Chatfield on Instagram. It’s all extremely cute and I assume Abbie is okay with Konrad being Mr. Free-Wheeling-I-Have-No-Job-School-Of-Hard-Knocks right now, probably coz he’s hot and funny. Really, we don’t ask for much, us women attracted to men. Just be hot and funny. Okay?

Anyway! The episode! So first up Brooke is hanging out with Darvid. He paddles in, quite puffed for someone who has just been loitering around the corner, in a kayak. Darvid got to plan this date (as if) and he’s taking her down into Glenworth Valley, wherever that is. Darvid is ~outdoorsy~ and wants to show his outdoorsiness off by dragging Brooke through a swamp.

That water definitely isn’t full of cholera

After the swamp ride, some EdGy rock music plays as Darvid reveals his second date adventure – quad biking!!! The most G rated version of adventure sports! Literally if you get hurt quad biking you’re probably a danger to yourself simply existing.

Ooooh baby you’re so WILD and SEXY on your little trike

In the end they pash for a bit, Brooke tells us she can feel how Darvid is “loving” and protective of her, and he says the only thing at risk right now is his heart. Surely this guy has won, right?

But then they have sad cries in the hot tub, which could also be the title of my memoir. They both want to stay in their respective cities, but worry about how long distance would go for them.

Next date is Jamie-Lee, driving to collect Brooke like a soccer mom in an SUV.

can we get Maccas after mum

She says she’s taking them on a date that’ll reflect their life together. It turns out to be a bush picnic that involves hiking. Brooke’s in white pants and a blouse and is like:

ummmmm I prepped for a winery

But in the end Brooke’s pretty impressed because Jamie Lee’s date is really something Brooke would enjoy, which is actually sweet tbh. Does this mean Jamie Lee is actually a contender here and not somehow in the top three due to an accident, like I originally thought?

They’re very aligned on what they want in life – especially when it comes to being parents. This is deffo foreshadowing for Brooke’s chat with Holly, who famously waited until HOMETOWNS to tell Brooke she didn’t want kids.

Holly’s date is at – you guessed it – Sydney Dance Company. I actually really like Holly but I swear the producers just keep flogging the dead “I’m a dancer” horse with her.

idk if you know this, but I’m a dancer

They watch a ballet performance together, and it’s all very intimate because it’s just them and the dance is suuuuper romantic.

Afterwards though, shit goes south. Holly explains that she feels now, having met Brooke, that she’d be down for one kid with her. Brooke feels like she’s been very open about wanting three kids. Brooke basically feels like, why is Holly still here and why did she get so invested if she didn’t want the same future.

This information would have been useful to me TEN EPISODES AGO

She’s also like, isn’t there any compromise. Holly is adamant that she doesn’t ever want to live in WA. She feels living there would be a sacrifice, not a compromise – even if it’s for a stint.

They get into a heated semi-fight about it – Brooke feels like Holly’s called time on their relationship because of her hard limits about WA (honestly, is WA that bad?) and a small family. Holly reckons it wasn’t until hometowns when she realised these were hard limits.

pls don’t make me

It’s pretty upsetting to watch Brooke offering compromises, but it’s also fair that Holly has limits. I mean, WA is like moving to another country. I personally love it over there, but it is FAR. You may as well move to Antarctica, but hot.

In the end, Brooke storms off in tears. Holly breaks down. I feel like yelling SOMEONE HUG THEM FOR GOD’S SAKE.

Holly cries to a producer and I really feel for her? In the end her and Brooke sob together and realise their love story has to end here. It’s very mature and lovely from both of them.

Tomorrow night! Abbie (!!!!) and another gal pal of Brooke’s are grilling Jamie Lee and Darvid, and then Brooke’s gonna pick!

Melissa is a freelance writer who will eat a small sock if Darvid isn’t the winner of this season. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.