It’s not finally here, it’s ALREADY here – how are we already at the finale of The Bachelorette 2021? That went too quickly, right? Is this that thing those weird doomsday cults tell us about, how time will move faster before the world ends because I AM NOT PREPARED I HAVEN’T COLLECTED ALL MY OOSHIES YET.

Anyway. It’s The Moment. Who will Brooke pick – Jamie-Lee, who seems like her platonic buddy, or Darvid the magician?

First we get the Jamie Lee story – which included this bit where she got out of a car and met… THE HONRY BADGER and I thought holy fucking shit, did they get The Badge back as Brooke’s Trusted Buddy or something, but no it was just old footage of their time in the same Bach group. Then we get Darvid’s – I totally forgot he bopped in on a lawnmower, ahahaha. It seems so un-Darvid.

Then – oh my god if you didn’t cry at this bit – Brooke’s father-figure dad guy videos in from WA, and Brooke’s crying, and I’m crying, and he’s saying she deserves a home base person and I’m crying more. It’s very emotional, it’s also a few days until my period so there’s that.

Brooke: cries pretty. Me: snot on t-shirt

Because Brooke can’t have any of her fam in Sydney coz of bloody COVID (ruins the party again), she has Abbie Chatfield, who really does not seem like a BFFL of Brooke’s but okay producers, and Gomeroi woman, author and education academic, Amy Thunig (who you should go follow because I clearly didn’t know of her before *ahem* a girl called Amy *ahem*, but I do now and she is a total powerhouse).

Darvid is first up meeting the “friends” aka paid talent. I feel like Darvid HAS to be the one, look how cute they are:

STOP IT

But I have been burned before. Specifically, I was burned by Matt and Abbie in her season coz I thought they were legit, so there you go. Anyway, Abbie and Amy see it too – Darvid and Brooke can’t keep their hands off each other and they’re all misty-eyed, it’s a LOT.

But when Amy, who is a proud Gomeroi woman, pulls Darvid away for a chat, she finds out that he doesn’t know what Aboriginal land he lives on – and never has. She’s worried that he doesn’t have enough racial literacy for Brooke – she knows that’s very important to Brooke, and Darvid saying he hasn’t “given too much thought” to it concerns her.

….shit

But! He saves himself because he acknowledged that he should be more across Aboriginal culture and history, and he seems really genuine about it. In the end, he wins Amy over.

Abbie is next and obviously, no-bullshit. When Darvid reveals he loves Brooke, but says he will tell her if she picks him, Abbie’s like “what, no tell her now”. Which seems insane to me like, shotty not being hyper-vulnerable and then getting dumped on national TV but there you go.

Abbie says they already seem like they’re together, and like Brooke’s bringing her boyfriend in to meet the friends. AGREE.

Then it’s time for Jamie Lee and Brooke to catch up. Again, it’s so FRIENDSY. Either this is a massive stitch-up to plot twist us, or they have no chemistry. It really could be either, the producers love a well-edited stitch up.

I will say that Jamie Lee and Brooke together are FUN. Lots of laughing, maybe it’s like 2pm at girl’s boozy brunch after five mimosas, maybe it’s love. Unsure.

ORDER MORE MARGS AT THE BAR SHAZ!

Abbie and Jamie Lee have a pretty good, whatever type of chat. It’s fine? But my god, Amy is like a smiling assassin, I love her. She asks all the tough, Indigenous-culture related questions and again, Jamie Lee fucks it – she doesn’t know the land she lives on, or Brooke’s.

It’s a red flag for Amy because Jamie Lee initially says she does know a lot about Aboriginal culture and history, so not knowing these basic things seems… not great to Amy.

….fuck

Amy immediately tells Brooke how concerned she is. She explains that the concern for her is that Jamie Lee says she’s known Brooke for three years, has been into her for that long, but hasn’t delved into Brooke’s Indigenous heritage and culture at all. While Darvid is also a little patchy on that front, Amy feels because it’s been a shorter period of time, it’s a bit more understandable. Brooke’s like:

Meanwhile, Abbie’s concern is with Darvid. Can they actually make the long distance work? Will he give up his business and home to move to Melbourne or Perth?

On to final dates. Jamie Lee and Brooke – you guessed it – go on a helicopter ride. Maybe the show invested in a helicopter and they have to wheel it out at least three times a season? They’re always like “nothing is mooooore romaaaantic than a helicopter riiiide” and I’m like you know what is more romantic? Literally anything involving food or napping or a pool.

Kissing! In a helicopter! The height of romance!

Next they ride bikes around for some reason, before heading to a fairy-lit FANCY cheese night. Goodbye, supermarket brie!

Of course, conversation turns to Amy’s red flag… flagging. Brooke explains that Amy was worried Jamie Lee might like an idea of Brooke, and not who Brooke really is.

You are DEAD Amy

But Jamie Lee apologises for not knowing the land she lives on, and Brooke’s mob, and seems genuine. Like she cries about having to say goodbye to Brooke after the date!

For her final date with Darvid, Brooke hoons up in a hoon vehicle. Why is this show obsessed with hoon vehicles and loud travel in this episode?

Then – OMFG guys they’ve gone to a tantric master or something. They’re implying it’s not about sex but Darvid is like:

Wait excuse me what

And she’s teaching Darvid breaths to control HIS EJACULATION I AM DYING why have I turned into a 15-year-old boy about this.

OH MY GOD GUYS THEY’RE HAVING ATHLEISURE SEX.

GET A ROOM

It’s definitely romantic and sensual and all those good things, but also this is the raciest things have gotten since Abbie dry-humped Matt on the beach and I am not coping!!!!

Okay it’s over. They go to the nice fancy cheese area and kiss and then Darvid tells her he loves her. It’s very cute and then it’s VERY INTENSE because Brooke talks to camera and is like, I have found my soulmate and I love Darvid and it’s a LOT. Has she just given it all away before the actual ceremony thing?

Guys there’s still 30 minutes left

Then it’s TIME. Brooke looks like a magical mermaid princess, Darvid and Jamie Lee are staring at rings with a lot of emotion, you know the drill.

give me answers, oh wise ring

Osher meets Brooke and talks to her about what this has meant for her, and she’s like I hope I made my community proud (I’m crying again) and that she’s utterly in love.

With like barely ANY extended suspense, Jamie Lee gets out of the limo first – she’s been dumped! It’s a shame because they look really good next to each other in their mermaid dresses.

I mean it would have been a great finale pic

Brooke is pretty much crying from the beginning so it’s pretty obvious to Jamie Lee that she hasn’t won Brooke’s heart.

On the way off in the limo, Jamie Lee is like “I’m glad I got to close this chapter/if I didn’t come on this show I never would have known” and it’s like, as my friend Rachel said in our group chat, babe just DM her. You had THREE YEARS to DM her!

Then, obviously, it’s Darvid. Wouldn’t it have been wild if BROOKE did a Honey Badger? Imagine. But no, she doesn’t, she confesses her love to Darvid, it’s very adorable, I love them and pray the Brissie/Melbourne thing doesn’t ruin it all.

Melissa is a freelance writer and. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.