I have to say, while I’m pretty stoked we didn’t have to deal with TOO many fuckwits parading down the red carpet in stupid, gimmicky outfits (not you, Cupid) – I wasn’t super enthused last night about the Bachelorette dudes we’ve copped.

I feel like everyone is good looking enough, but honestly it’s like they went the total other way when it came to interesting guys. Was it just me or did they all seem like large pieces of soggy cardboard? Here’s hoping someone grows a personality over the next few eps.

So we come back to Becky and Elly getting ready for their first date. It’s a double date with Harry and Mr Worldwide Prime Rib Of Propecia Shannon. To amuse us all, the producers make the boys trudge through miles of sand.

you’ll be finding that in your toes for WEEKS, mates

They’re like, why the fuck are we on a Sydney beach for a country date?? But the gals explain that they’re hightailing it out of the smoggy city life via helicopter. Shannon HATES this idea and explains he’s really fucking scared of heights. Why does this show constantly make people face their long-seated fears?

Becky sits next to him and the chemistry is FIRE, guys. Multiple times it looks like Shannon’s gonna pash her right there next to her sister. Gross.

“kiss me next to my sister and die, this isn’t a club at 3am”

When they land in some unidentifiable country area (probs like, Campbelltown or somewhere else equally not-country), they split up in two pairs. Shannon and Becky try whipping, but Elly and Harry are introduced to this terrifying man, who very scarily explains to them that they have to herd about five cows from one paddock into the other, and if they don’t do it quick-sticks he will be VERY ANGRY.

I will slice you with my perfectly manicured beard edges

I cannot fathom why it’s incredibly important that Harry/Elly herd the cows as an actual job. Why can’t this dude do it? They race around and get the cows in, but it’s absolutely not sexy or cute and very much more of a tense experience.

After the cow fandango, everyone settles in (separately, thank god) to have a romantic wine and a chat. Almost immediately, Becky and Shannon start pashing. They really do have amazing chemistry, but I have not warmed to Shannon, who seems, frankly, like an arrogant prick. But I am also a super judgy person and you should not listen to me!!! Unless he turns out to be a prick, in which case I told you so.

ugh Shannon why did you eat the blue cheese before this

You know who isn’t having a good old pash? Elly and Harry. In fact, their date is not exactly going swimmingly. Harry tells Elly about his five year old son, which doesn’t phase her. What DOES phase her is him telling her he flat-out doesn’t want to travel overseas anymore (RUN, WOMAN) and also something about an East Coast of Australia jaunt he has fantasies about but, as she rightly points out, is likely impossible as he has a child. He’s also 35, another red flag for 25-year-old Elly.

It’s a no from me, Harry

In the end, Harry does not get a rose. Shannon does. They head back to the mansion and Shannon crows on about his rose while Harry awkwardly explains how he didn’t get one, then dies in a hole of shame. Not really, but I’m sure his soul did.

Next thing we know, we’re off on the first group date. It is, of course, a photo shoot. It is also, of course, a direct rip-off of the iconic Angie Kent photoshoot, complete with dudebros forced into humiliation costumes.

I was told the paint comes off

The shoots are pretty blegh, except there is ANOTHER killer moment where Becky cops some insane chemistry with whoever this guy is:

seriously if I was Elly I’d be chucking a HUGE tanty about all the good blokes my sis was getting

They are so hot, in fact, that they KISS ON SET. It’s adorable and they need to get married immediately.

Have ten babies, NOW

Elly’s shoot is this beach setup and then her learning how to explode mines or some shit. It’s not nearly as sexy as Becky’s. Again – IF I WAS ELLY I WOULD RIOT.

At least she got shoulders McGee over here.

After the shoot it’s off to the cocktail party. Harry is absolutely losing his goddamn mind about the possibility that he might be going home. He feels this need to convince Elly that he’s perfect for her, even though he is a) too old, b) has no interest in travel and c) is delusional about his life situation. He tries to talk to Elly but she tells him she’s busy (BAD SIGN), so instead the brain genius decides to go grovel to her older sister.

Not being desperate, but-

It goes down like a sack of old, mouldy potatoes. First, he sits between Becky and Shannon who were having a romantico time. THEN he tries convincing Becky he’s a great dude for Elly. THEN, when she is like:

pls fuck off back to House Rules

And is all, I’ll let Elly make that decision – he starts grovelling to her about how grateful he is that she heard him out coz he knows she is close with Elly. Calm your farm, man! Your desperation to stay on reality TV is showing!

Anyway, nothing else of note happens at the cocktail party, and then when we get to the rose ceremony ANNOYINGLY Elly doesn’t boot Harry, she boots that Cupid guy who just minces out the door and off into the abyss. Sigh.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and would like to lick Shoulders McGee on the face. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter