After what felt like a 24 hour break from Bachelor-related content, we are back, baby!! Bachelorette time! Blonde people finding love and racking up their Instagram following!
I have to say, I’ve had zero interest in watching Elly Miles find love. I have always found the woman to be the epitome of “I’m NoT LiKe OtHeR GiRls”, my most hated form of women competing against women. But to be fair, she was likely getting a strong edit on her Bachie season, so I will be attempting to go into this with zero judgement. I am far more invested in her sister, Becky, finding love. This is likely because I am an older sister and can’t wait to see the subtle sister-jealousy that forms if/when Becky finds love before Elly, who definitely considers herself to be the star of this duo.
You can’t hide your closeted sister-rage from me, hun. I’m the queen of it.
Okay let’s get into it. So we’re immediately thwacked over the head with NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLLLLLLS Elly, who says she simply cannot believe she and her bogan sister (seriously, the camera pans to “Bogan St” to reiterate that these women are self-confessed bogans) have been picked for The Bachelorette. They are simply TOO normal, guys! They’re so normal and not tizzy, and they order their coffee from some man named Charles (or who knows, I wasn’t listening) and they walk their dogs together and are totally not like other girls!!
They’re also totally best friends, you guys. Elly is definitely not dirty that Network Ten decided to cast her sister alongside her who will now steal 50% of the limelight. Nope! She’s stoked to have her lifetime bestie beside her to find love with.
So the gals get out of the limo and act shocked at all the fairy lights and plastic ferns. I wanted to see which one copped the shit dress. I feel like it’s Elly, although I have to admit it was a smart move to dress them in completely different hues.
Osher greets them and explains the special rose. It’s a pink rose festooned with tiny, plastic roses for no good reason. Just ruin a good rose there, guys. Anyway, the pink rose goes to one bloke who impresses BOTH the women. If this show was trying to steer away from the incesty threesome vibe, they’re doing a terrible job of it.
The first guy looks exactly like old mate from Angies season. What was his name? The dog man.
It’s not the dog man. I don’t think??? Is it??? Anyway, a steady stream of hot-but-awkward men roll through, and you can practically SEE their brains trying to work out if the Bachelorette has turned into a soft porn where everyone gets a threesome for their first date.
This guy was definitely thinking it.
Then that guy with the checkered shirt and rude fade walks in – the one Elly knows. I’d like to think she DIDN’T know he was coming on the show? At the very least he seems genuine with his surprise.
But mainly all the dudes just look like one homogenous lump of bro. Off to the cocktail party! Elly gives a spiel about having been on the Bachelor and Becky gives a spiel about… how good Elly is?
That pink rose goes to Harry, some guy I can’t even remember. The twist is he’s allowed to pick a dude to go on a double date with, so naturally every guy starts dry humping Harry in an effort to score the date.
Eventually, talk turns to the guy from Newy who went out with Elly. After much probing, he reveals he used to live with Elly’s bestie for a bit and ended up at parties with her. He tells us away from the bros that he absolutely doesn’t want to let the guys know he dated Elly. So as soon as he’s asked about it, of course he… tells them he dated Elly.
The guys go ballistic, because for some reason this dude going out with Elly for two minutes gives him an ~advantage~, like the fact he once macked on with Elly means she’s been eternally in love with him since? What?
Meanwhile, Elly is firing up over this guy, who likes boating, camping, fishing, B-C-F-ing fun!!! Just like she does because guess what guys, Elly is…..
Eventually Osh bangs on his champers with his ring, as he loves to do in the most smunty way possible, to let the guys know that Harry has to make his call re: his double date partner. After an eternity of deliberation to fill precious airtime, he settles on the guy who won Mr. Prime Rib of Propecia or whatever it was.
He’s taken a fancy to Becky, so she’s happy because all she wanted was a dude that was into her and not another hour of The Elly Show. They go off to gasbag about some country date they get to go on, while the other guys seethe as losers.
Next we’re at the rose ceremony! The way it works is that Becky goes first and picks a guy, then Elly steps forward and does the same. Alternate rose-selecting! I wonder what will happen if they like the same dude. Maybe we will cop a fight to the death. God, I hope so.
All is normal until Becky picks AB. He walks up to her and I shit you not, goes “hey Becky, I’m sorry but I cannot accept this rose.” To her credit she stays VERY calm even though I’m sure she is screaming at him (internally) and throwing champagne in his face (internally), and takes him outside.
To be fair, AB is pretty nice about it. He tells Becky he didn’t want to stick around and prolong things if he wasn’t feeling it, which he wasn’t. That’s really nice! And surprisingly un-narcissistic of him considering the show he is on!
Fare thee well, AB. We barely knew you, and we absolutely will forget you in 3-5 business days.
Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and is absolutely like other girls. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.
