I don’t get that fired up about much these days; angrying up the blood becomes less healthy the further away from thinking Jaegermeister shots are a great idea you get in your life. But I sure as shit will tip over anything near me not nailed down if Channel Ten goes full-asshole by once again not delivering the massively hyped Bachelor “walkout” tonight.

Last week Channel Ten almost mercilessly promoted the vaunted Bachelor “walkout”: An incident of cocktail party bickering and muck-raking so severe it apparently causes our brainy boy Matt Agnew to turn tail and fuck the hell off outta there after giving the collective Bachelorettes a very different kind of dressing down than he probably imagined going into this whole thing.

Through all three episodes of Australian Survivor last week, and just about every ad break the network cared to run, we were teased – strung along, if you will – by promises of this outrageous-looking walkout incident.

Then last week’s episodes arrived and they just… didn’t do it. They didn’t follow through. No walkout. No crabby Bachie. Fucken nothing. Two whole episodes, not a goddamned thing. What the living, breathing fuck Channel Ten.

So now it is with the deepest regret that I have to issue this public ultimatum to Channel Ten and its officials, particularly seeing as the Walkout advertising has only ramped up over the past coupla days.

And that ultimatum is very simple: If you pull another fast one on me, if you build this whole cooked scenario up for another week and do not deliver, then I’m sorry, but Osher Günsberg is getting dacked.

A solid, thorough dacking. One swift motion, pants straight to the ground.

It might not happen tomorrow, and it might not happen the day after. But one day, at some point down the track, Oshie’s strides are hitting the goddamned deck by my own hand, mark my words.

These are serious threats, Channel Ten. Serious threats with dire consequences for non-compliance.

Do the right thing you fools.

Give me the Bachelor Walkout.


At 7:30pm.

On Channel Ten.

Do it.