BACHIE RECAP: The Intruder Lady Apparently Likes Throwing Herself Off Cliffs Too & Sure, Jan

A bit of my soul died when this weeks Bachelor episode opened with everyone fake-smiling into their web cams. Yep, we’re STILL in lockdown Bachie and I honestly don’t think I can take any more of this Boomer yelling from the gals. Do they not realise laptop mics are heaps good these days? YA DON’T NEED TO YELL, KAREN!

First up, Irena brings up the Juliette/Roxi stuff for no other reason than… there is literally nothing to talk about and the producers made her.

even your dog is judging you, Irena

It is so boring I fell asleep. When I woke up, Osher was standing in front of that awful green screen telling everyone four of them would be going on a group date – with their families. Roxi goes white because, as she says, her mum is a psycho hose beast. I mean she doesn’t say that but it’s IMPLIED.

Nicole once again jizzes herself in over-enthusiasm.

take it down about 4,000 notches there, Nicole

The four going on the date are Nicole, Bella, Roxi and Steph. Roxi’s mum is already my favourite person on this show.

Upstaging her kid with her outfit too, what a boss

Meanwhile Bella and her mum look like they’re conspiring about how Bella’s got this in the bag. Which she totally does.

lol look at all these other idiots and their idiot mums, Bella

At one point this random comes on screen and I shit you not, I thought some sort of nameless woman had flown under the radar this entire time and just popped up at top 8.

It’s me…. Lola….

I think it was just Nicoles sister. Anyway! After the meets and greets the gals chat about how it went. Roxi is particularly miffed by Bella saying her mum’s basically given Locky the keys to their beach house.

damn who’s a smunty bitch, a smunty bitch

Meanwhile Irena and this random are having a gasbag about what the girls are up to – why does this woman look like she’s appearing on 60 Minutes because she fell over in Mykonos and forgot her entire identity for ten years?

all of a sudden, I was washed up at the shores of Scorpio Club

Roxi hacks her way into their Zoom chat to tell them how loved up Bella seemed about Locky. Irena is OFF IT big time. She literally says their friendship is over.


Meanwhile she probs doesn’t even have to worry about Bella coz Locky’s out here losing his goddamn mind about inheriting another girl in his harem. Dude, don’t you have ENOUGH?


Seriously throwing in an intruder this late in the game seems demonic but go off, producers.

So the new girl is literally Locky’s dream girl. Her intro video is all “look at me with my dog on the beach! Here I am hiking with makeup on! I am very CHILL.”

did this woman come in a packet like, how is this real

They are set up on a Zoom date and Locky looks like he’s going to propose to the woman after five minutes.

okay just finish the show here guys, wrap it up

Over with ~the gals~, everyone’s musing about what will be on the cards for them in their 45th day of tedium. Imagine being in lockdown but also being forced to wait around for some average dude to text you. Oh wait…

One girl is doing a very sub-par Blistex ad. Honestly, you guys want to be IG influencers, right? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER CAROL.

would not buy, soz

Osher chimes in on their chat eventually, telling them all about Bec, the new girl. Everyone is pissed. Props to that one who was in the bath the other day (it says a LOT about this season that I still don’t remember anyone’s name) who says “well that’s a bit of a kick in the dick.” Please let us all make that our 2020 mantra.

2020. A Kick In The Dick.

Meanwhile Bec is gunning hard to be Locky Barbie here. By which I mean, she is literally agreeing with everything he says, including his faults? Like she literally is all “omg I’m so the same” when he says he can be a selfish prick who doesn’t think about his partners needs.

you’re a piece of shit? Omg saaame!! I’m a fucking asshole! Wow!

The convo is The Worst. It’s literally just Bec saying everything a guy with commitment issues would want to hear, like “I just feel trapped if I’m not allowed to do whatever I want” and “I’ve just needed to find someone who likes what I like, which is making love to rock faces and throwing myself off planes into piles of mud.”

Eventually, Locky tells her to look under the chair behind her. A rose! This makes me wonder what would happen if she, say, dropped her earring and went scrounging for it, then found the rose – but Locky wasn’t going to give it to her coz she sucked.

haha sucked in found it

Then everyone is getting ready for the virtual cocktail party (worst) and OH MY GOD, FINALLY A GOOD BOGAN CHEESE PLATE.

who made this, can I marry you

Immediately, Juliette throws Roxi under the bus and honestly, I’m so bored of the convoluted drama with these two? It almost makes the lack of regular drama MORE apparent.

mood being set up in your kitchen with good access to the fridge, though

Basically Juliette says “are you going to take back what you said about Locky and Bec’s romance being just physical” to Roxi. In front of Bec.

Are these women okay

It goes down as you would expect it to go down. Boring! On to the rose ceremony, which is also boring EXCEPT it comes down to Nicole and that Maddie or Maggie girl. You thought Maddie/Maggie was going home, right? WRONG!

Probs should have saved some white rose energy

Nicole is shockingly booted! Can you believe! Ummm… yes I can because who is anyone on this show now besides Bella, Irena and Bec.

Tomorrow! Back to the mansion THANK SWEET BACHIE JESUS. Fights! Regular programming!

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and spent the greater part of her morning trying to learn the WAP dance before spraining some form of ligament. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter