FINALLY! THE! CORONAVIRUS!!! FANDANGO!!!!!!! Enough with the purgatory cocktail parties bitch, I want depressing Zoom dates and PANDEMONIUM.
In case you didn’t get it from my screaming, we are finally at the bit in The Bachelor where coronavirus ruins the party and everyone fucks off home. We ended last week with the “cliffhanger” (not) of Oshie telling the ladies and Locky that he had big news. We knew the big news. Josie, my usual recap partner in crime – her baby knew the big news. It wasn’t a well-kept secret. Coronavirus was going to fuck shit up in the Bachelor mansion.
This ep, we’re treated to a bit more detail to the announcement. Like this roadie who is packing his shit up quick-smart and fucking the hell off outta there.
When Osh tells the ladies it’s all over because the W.H.O has declared a pandemic, everyone’s like:
He goes on to explain how people are working from home, and how pubs and clubs are closed. Everyone is still like:
Osh says that while things are weird on the outside, so far they’re safe – because they’re essentially isolated they can keep going with the show.
Eventually Osh runs screaming for the hills and some sort of isolated cave (I assume, because that is what I would do) leaving everyone like:
Eventually all the women leave the rose ceremony and Locky’s left like:
Back at the mansion, the girls get to chat to their fam which is nice. Bella is concerned because her grandparents aren’t well, so they’re vulnerable. It would genuinely be super hard to be there when you have vulnerable family at home, it’s nice the producers let them chat to their families. Do I have a HEART? Could it BE???
Then Osher charges through the drywall (basically) and tells the ladies that there’s a group date. It’s with this psychic? IDK guys I’ve gotten quite drunk.
ANYWAY. MOVING ALONG. This psychic is apparently a psychic to the stars (lol as if) and is going to do a group psych sesh and then psych everyone as a couple with Locky? What? Ok?
LITERALLLLLLLLLLY the first thing she says to Locky is “is there a grandfather in the spirit world”. The man is 30 years old. I’d say there’s a 90% chance one of his grandpa’s has carked it at this point.
I kid, I kid – the woman is kind of good, I guess. If you believe that stuff. And if you believe the producers didn’t give her key bits of information prior to this sesh. She makes this person cry for example.
Then the ghost of grandma’s past slut shames this woman:
Literally her “nan” says she questions her clothing choice lolololol nan it’s 2020, you can’t say that babe.
Next thing we know, Bella’s being told a little boy is coming into the family. Irena is PISSED.
But then the psychic lady tells Bella someone with cancer, a male, is contacting her. Bella tells everyone her grandfather HAS cancer, as in, she assumed he was still alive. It’s tense, and she gets understandably upset. Seriously is this psychic lady okay? Just casually going around implying people’s grandparents are dead?
She calls home to see if her grandad is ok and calls him PAPOU!!! GIRL IS GREEK!!!! Fuck yeah the Greeks! (if you haven’t worked it out I am also greek, papou and yiayia for lifeeee).
Locky barges in when she’s just learned from her mum that, thankfully her Papou is okay. He’s like “can I have a hug” and honestly I think she equal parts likes the hug and is like:
They go straight off to their “couple” time with the psychic and honestly, as if this woman hasn’t fucking won this shit.
Except actually guys he is like this with… heaps of women?
Literally every woman, he acts like they are his wife of ten years. Including whoever the fuck this is:
Belle (?????) gets the rose. Because the psychic says they’re suited. Who is this woman? I have literally never seen her before in my life.
Next thing we know, Locky is hooning up to the mansion and waking everyone up on a loud motorbike.
They hoon off and Roxi is clearly gunning for some hugely sexual makeout sesh after forgoing a kiss on their last one-on-one time. She literally says “throw me down, bend me like a pretzel”. What????
They have a tepid kiss and then it’s cocktail party time!
Except…Osh comes in banging on his champers glass with his wedding ring in classic big dog energy, telling the ladies that tonight, 5 (!!!) people are going home.
Almost immediately, Locky pashes Bella in full view of everyone.
Like literally they go for a chat and then have a pash, about 1.5 metres from everyone else. It is WILD.
Roxi, naturally, is extremely pissed. She ends up corralling Locky in a corner and telling him what a shithead he is.
Locky looks extremely trapped but generally placates her. To be fair, she has a right to be pissed here – it’s fucking weird for him to pash someone in full view of everyone else at a cocktail party. But also, Roxy extremely owes Kaitlyn an apology.
Next thing we know we’re at the rose ceremony. All the usuals get through, and we’re left with Charlie, Areeba (!!), Kaitlyn, Laura and a random or two.
Locky picks Kaitlyn which insanely means we’re losing not one, but two of the best “villains” in the house at once! What!
So they choof off, and before we can even adjust to life without Areeba, Osher comes back AGAIN. This time, to tell Locky that actually, shit is getting real and they have to cut production because of coronavirus.
Osh then goes to tell all the ladies they have to fuck off home. Locky genuinely seems distraught about this, although I am convinced he only gives a fuck about being separated from Bella.
Tomorrow! Zoom dates! Horrible animal onesies!
Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and avid fan of texting ex’s for their birthday and then getting stuck in 40 message convos that make her feel shit. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.
