Does it feel like 800 years have passed since the last Bachelor episode? Like we have lived and died and lived again, and also like Locky has revealed himself to be a grade-A piece of fuckboy (probably)?
No? Just me? Rude.
Anyway, I couldn’t even remember what happened on this show, so thankfully the producers helpfully backtracked a little. We’re in the middle of the cocktail party that never ends.
I feel like I need to do an extreme deep dive just on Lamb Chop and how fucking terrifying it was.
So. We’re at this cocktail party and Juliette muscles in to steal Locky away first, right? She walks off telling him about how she was SooOoooO sick on the day of the footy match, and definitely didn’t bail because she’s scared Areeba will shank her in her sleep.
She also tells him all these extremely unnecessary details like that she’d shaved her legs for the occasion. Wot?
Meanwhile, Roxi is beside herself with grief over this situation, because she for some reason is convinced – CONVINCED – Juliette is out to get her.
There is no rhyme or reason to this – I’m going to assume Roxi isn’t completely batshit and, instead, the producers have left out some key moment involving Juliette that would make Roxi feel this way. Surely, right?
Anyway this woman keeps appearing by Roxi’s side and I have NFI who she is.
Honestly how have all the background people not been shoved into limos and sent home yet? How do I still not know half the women here?
So that woman is stoked on LIFE to be in a shot for once, look at her here after she says “yeah, totally” to Roxi.
So Roxi goes all over the mansion bitching about Juliette and her mates and crying. Meanwhile, said mates have adopted that blonde bride lady into the fold. She is the new evil henchman who just hangs around! You heard it here first, folks!
Then Laura, who is clearly aware she’s not getting remotely enough screentime in this place, decides to go… ask Juliette what her secret plan is???
What secret plan?? Like literally – what secret plan. I feel like this woman from the iconic film, Two Weeks Notice:
Juliette seems to be just as perplexed as we all are – both as to why Laura is suddenly involved in this schmozzle and what this “secret plan” is.
Roxi meanwhile is crying faster than the champagne boy can pour bevvies – seriously, we’re treated to this shot of him running full pelt with a bottle and some water. Run champers boy!!! Run!!!
About 40 women who haven’t had airtime crowd around her, hoping for a quick side profile shot to cement their future IG following.
Meanwhile everyyyyyyone has reached peak desperation in the fight for time with Locky. Areeba is quaking over him taking Irene for a chat and not her. Then Rosemary raps (???) and just… has there ever been a worse idea.
Finally Areeba gets time with Locky. Can I say, I kind of love her again? I’ve forgiven her for the shitty things she said about Juliette. If it were between Team Roxi (is that a team? Or is it just Roxi?) and Team Areeba, I feel like Areeba’s squad is far more genuine and actually less bitchy?
Watch me eat those words by the end of the episode, probably!
But do you know what I mean – like, sure they kinda exclude themselves from the main group and Areeba is the shit-stirrer to end all shit-stirrers, but at least she’s not pulling a Roxi and telling the entire mansion someone else is a fake bitch, to rephrase there.
She also seems to have kinda a vibe with Locky – unless he’s faking it. They laugh together and he seems to like her Top Dog energy.
THEN!!! Roxi basically wails so loudly that Locky overhears, then leaves Areeba (!!) on the couch to tend to the wailing woman.
I was INCENSED. I get that Roxi is emotional at heart but come on, man. This stunk of manipulation.
He is gone for ages. Eventually, Areeba goes looking for him – but not before making this phenomenal face when Juliette tells her Locky’s fucked off with the wailing woman.
She finds him with Roxi and yeets herself out of there. She’s genuinely upset over it, and I would be too? It’s fucked!
Off to the rose ceremony. Boring boring, all the usuals get through except – sorry, excuse me? We have Zoe Clare in the bottom 3?
Honestly, what the fuck? The woman was the star of the first episode and we haven’t seen her since – WHAT has happened? I thought she was going to be the villain to end all villains. You can guess what happens next – Zoe Claire gets eliminated along with some rando I’ve never seen before in my life. WHAT IN FRESH HELL IS THIS?
And then we just… choof off to the morning? Absolute chaos.
We’re back on the Roxi/Juliette drama before you can say “ranga”. Roxi reckons Juliette was planning to say some “lies” about her to Locky. Firstly, it’s never actually “lies” if the person in question is freaking the fuck out about whatever might or might not be said, in our Bachelor experience – right? It’s usually “you were planning on telling Locky that I called him a dogc*nt by the pool”.
Secondly, Juliette seems genuinely perplexed by this entire thing. Maybe she isn’t and is bullshitting. Whatever the case, Laura would like to insert herself into the situation, please.
Luckily, Osher shows up before anyone can throw tea on anyone else. He gives them a single date card – it’s for Irena! Who I literally forgot about!
She gets this huge, gorgeous box except of course, it’s nothing good. It’s a fencing outfit. I shit you not, the producers are making this poor woman wear an ill-fitting white onesie and forcing her to poke Locky in the abs with a metal stick.
It’s the most un-hot thing I’ve ever seen. It’s as sexual as watching Tony Abbott eat an onion. Less sexual, even. Luckily, they cop a pretty schmick post-fencing drinks spot.
Except then we… watch them wank a champagne bottle for 20 minutes? I have never crawled under the couch in embarrassment faster.
After that absolutely horrific experience I barely listened to what they talked about. Something to do with Irena’s parents being her love inspiration and how she doesn’t open up easily. Whatever, they kiss, she gets a rose, DER.
Tomorrow! Kaitlyn suddenly zips off her silent henchman suit to reveal she’s actually a spicy jalapeno and goes in on Roxi, who says her now infamous line “ya fake hair, ya fake lashes, ya fake tits”. Can’t wait.
Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and likes to look up which Dancing With The Stars people hooked up with their dance partners. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.
