Okay I would like to first defend myself against the singular Bachelor recap reader who said “last week you loved Areeba and this week you hate her”. Yes because last week she was this fun shit-stirrer sassy villain who just gave it to everyone straight, but wasn’t putting down other women and this week she’s saying stuff like “as if Juliette is prettier than me” to camera, ok? Ok.

In the Bachie world, we know someone can start out cool and rapidly lose our love by behaving in a cretinous manner, just like we know someone can behave in a cretinous manner and then win our love by choosing not to be a cretin! The laws of Bachie.

Okay the defense rests, let’s recap.

We start with Locky just doing his arvo walk along a precarious cliff, as he loves to do.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
Think I need a calming spelunk

He really, really wants to leap off something to ease his tension headache. You just know he’s having sleep paralysis dreams but it’s just a demon in the corner saying “can I grab you for a minuteeeeeee?”

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
a relaxing spelunk, pls I beg

Psych! He’s actually just lugging Nicole along for his arvo walk, under the guise of a date. She’s used her special rose to have their first solo hang. She tells us she’s terrified of heights, so when Locky lets her know that they’re going for a gentle bushwalk with “a Locky twist” she’s like:

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
jesus take the wheel

They get to the edge of a massive cliff and he’s like “yo so we have to abseil down this bitch”. Her face is quite possibly my favourite reaction in Bachie history.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
what a day to wear a g-string for no panty line

She is having a proper anxiety attack and he’s like, look we can just go get some chips and gravy if you like – to which I would have been all FUCK YES WHERE’S THE HYUNDAI but she tells us that “for Locky” she’s going to do it.

I feel that was a mistake, because instead of it being like a sexy/romantic situation where he supports her through her fears, he switches on his adventure guide persona and it’s all very clinical like “you’re doing great” and “put your feet wider”. Oh dear.

Also I’m sorry but I’m not even afraid of heights and this is fucking with me:

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
honestly fuck this right to hell

When they get halfway down he’s like HAHA NOW WE CLIMB BACK UP! Which looks even more fucked up. I feel like this was just a really elaborate way to give Nicole a total mental breakdown that would see her eliminated from the show simply because she needed to go spend a month in respite.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
oh don’t touch that, it’s not a rock it’s a huntsman lol

She miraculously makes it through and when they reach the top, they kiss? It’s not really very sexy or romantic it’s like Locky obligatorily kisses Nicole because he’s just put her through hell.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
i can kiss away the painnnnnnn I will STAY BY YOU, FOREVERRRRRR (sorry I got carried away)

Back at the mansion, a bunch of the gals including Areeba and my favourite mechanic lady are doing absolutely no exercise and instead bitching about Juliette.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
somewhere a pilates teacher is crying

Some interesting details come out – apparently the three women had made a pact to not outshine each other, which explains why Areeba was so pissed off about the note. She vows to put Juliette in her place, whatever that means. What place? One of 240 women in a mansion whose names Locky definitely can’t remember?

Night falls, and we head back to Nicole and Locky’s date. They’re at the miniscule dinner portion of the evening, and this time there doesn’t even seem to be a ration cheeseboard – the budget has reached the floor and they’re eating candles.

bachelor
and if you step over the border here we have a fine QLD oak wax

Locky says he wants to know more about her and she goes “like relationship stuff” which to me is like OH NONONONONONO.

Idk about you but if a guy was on a date with me and took “tell me about yourself” as a sign to start listing all the reasons he’s been single for six years, which is basically what Nicole does, I’d be melting out of the room in vibes of this:

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On

Don’t bring up your past relationships on the first daaaaate! Don’t do it! Ever! No! Bad idea!

Anyway she explains how she’s just had a string of dates that didn’t go anywhere, where she liked them more than they liked her (lol 2020 mood) and then she then moves on (thank fuck) to talk about how she injured herself dancing.

She explains how she’s now teaching, and Locky asks her if she can teach dance in Bali. She says totally, and he also asks her if she’s still open to travelling even though she’s keen to be a bit more of a homebody. It definitely seems like he’s considering her as a legit option for his future wife or whatever the point of this show is these days.

BUT! As always he starts telling her about what he wants, and it always, always sounds like this unrealistic fantasy dream girl who doesn’t exist. Like he wants someone passionate and driven with goals, right? But he also wants them to MOVE TO BALI and TRAVEL HEAPS etc etc. I just feel like he needs a bikini influencer, end of story. Bali is perfect for bikini influencers!

The end of their date is pretty cute. They definitely have a chemistry from a personality level.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
yeah ok I believe it 50%

Over to a standard Bachelor group date – gridiron. In the rain.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
Ah yes, we are at the humiliation portion of the series

Not only is it gridiron, it’s in the rain. WHITE PANTS. IN THE RAIN.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
the wardrobe person clearly has a vendetta

It goes exactly how you’d expect it to go. Everyone looks like they’ve sharted themselves.

A biff ensues between Charley, pictured here looking like a drowned poo rat:

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
can we go back to the sewer now

And my mechanic favourite, Roxi. Who is maybe not my favourite anymore because she gets pretty snarky toward Charley and is definitely not one of those “competitive but good-spirited” types and is, instead, that GS from netball who would purposely elbow you you get free, scream “YESSS!” when your team fucked up, and would never shake your hand at the end.

Anyway, here’s more shart pants for you.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
Shart pants shart pants, what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you shart pants

Back at the mansion Areeba pot-stirs Nicole, acting really shocked when she explains she didn’t get a rose on her date and then saying she reckons Roxi will get one on hers.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
cool I’ll just go fuck myself then

She’s… not wrong. It feels like Locky’s simply said hello to Roxi before he’s whipping out roses from under the couch.

Also, they got HOT DOG DINNER!? What is this, the tuck shop?

bachelor
Miss can I have two hot dogs and a pizza pocket

I know they just played gridiron but come on, this is meant to be a premium experience not bloody Donut King. Although to be honest, if those were Donut King hot dogs I mean… I’m listening.

Anyway Roxi is definitely the sex lady of this group, she’s all sexy and touching Locky on the leg all sexy and telling him about her sex dream all sexy etc. Which you know, is all fine like be you and own your sexuality – what’s really refreshing though for me is how she tells us she doesn’t want to fully open up to him until she sees he’s keen – FINALLY, a woman who isn’t saying “I just want to see if I am what he wants” or “I just want him to see I’m the one he wants” but is instead also assessing if she even likes this guy. Honestly who is this man? He is literally every guy you meet at Ku De Ta on a Saturday night, the end.

Not saying he isn’t a delightful human being worthy of love and a wonderful woman, but these are also wonderful women worthy of love and a delightful MAN, you know?

I see my feminist is showing.

Anyway!

They have a nice, bog-standard Bachelor date and she tells us repeatedly she’s NOT kissing Locky because she wants to leave him wanting more. It’s a tactical move to get a solo date.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On

When she gets back to the mansion with her rose, Nicole looks like she wants to gently spew into a couch cushion.

To be fair, Roxi is heaps smunty about her rose and her decision not to kiss Locky, it’s very annoying even for me, a person not in the room and instead in my tomato sauce-stained pyjamas.

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
ok Smunty Smunterson

The next thing we know we’re dealing with Areeba confronting Juliette. Again. She’s still pissed, and Juliette apologises and they have this long, awkward chat. Meanwhile Kaitlyn is over here like Judge Judy adjudicating this shit?

bachelor
I OBJECT

It is quite literally poetry in visual form, guys. Like Juliette and Areeba make up and the three of them (with that other girl, I don’t know her name coz she’s absolutely going home in the next 2 episodes) are hugging it out while old mate Judy is like:

BACHIE RECAP: Can Someone Tell Roxi What Show She’s On
Glad we sorted that out ladies ha ha I’ll see myself out

What a joy to behold. A true joy.

Over to the Bachelor Pad – yep, Nicole’s third date. Why this woman is using all three of her special rose dates within a period of what seems like 24 hours is beyond me. Feels like a terrible game plan.

Locky literally looks like a giant in a tiny childrens kitchen:

bachelor
I told you to order the PREMIUM FISHER PRICE KITCHEN

Why does that kitchen look so dinky? I know the man is large but surely he isn’t that giant. Anyway, Nicole arrives and Locky tells her they’re cooking hot chips and gravy. She squeals in Cool Girl because guys, didn’t you know that turning up to a guy’s place for a date and having him tell you you’re gonna be eating soggy potatoes and gluggy gravy for dinner is the height of romance?

Back at the mansion, Areeba is back on the shit-stirring. This is the Areeba I enjoy! She’s talking up Nicole’s date to piss of Roxi, and it works. Roxy is all “I’m so frustrated by all these other women!!!” and Areeba’s like:

bachelor
lady did you accidentally get in the wrong car, this is The Bachelor

She even tells us it would be “disrespectful” to her (??) if Nicole kissed Locky on the date. Wot??? Woman I really think you need to go read your contract again and understand the rules here.

bachelor
what do you MEAN this isn’t Roxy Gets Married

Anyway, Nicole’s date goes well. She comes back to the cocktail party with a rose. Immediately, Juliette grabs Locky. As in, he hasn’t even breathed and she’s in there. The tensions are way high, like higher than I’ve ever seen them.

Also, Roxi is already crying because Nicole got a rose. I just… what is this energy? I don’t understand how you can go on a show that has been on air for around 10 years at this point and not know the lay of the land. I’m sure it sucks harder when you’re there but you still have to surely know that the guy is giving roses out all over the joint.

Anyway, we end things there – next week Roxi’s crying for 80 years and Areeba is mad that Roxy is crying for 80 years.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.