So all I remember from last weeks Bachelor eps is that Zoe Clare really, really wants us the women not to bully her for her red hair, even though not one single person on the show had bullied her about her red hair, and that there wasn’t a rose ceremony.

I’m still at the point where I don’t give a shit about anyone in here except for the penguin, but even then I only know her as The Penguin. So.

Anyway! Onward and upward! Hopefully!

I kind of missed the bride intruder bit but like, my god ladies – would love a few degrees of chill here. We IMMEDIATELY cop tears and wails over this bride lady walking in and taking the extra time with Locky.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
*cries in Bachelor*

I just… the man is a sea cucumber at this point. All we know is that he laughs and enjoys questionable tattoos. Also, unless you managed to be racist, homophobic and say dogc*nt on national TV on that group date, you’re probably safe from the rose ceremony at this point on account of him literally just recognising you in a lineup. No need for crying yet guys!

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
*is maybe storing extra tears inside hair*

Anyway, sob sob, wah wah.

I’m also spotting a LOT of glasses and I’m suspicious, you guys. I don’t believe all of these women are vision impaired and are instead wearing their blue light glasses away from blue light, my PET HATE TO END ALL PET HATES.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
I DON’T BELIEVE YOU

Can I just say I am still firmly Team Areeba here? I love a villain who isn’t a bully, but just trolls everyone you know? Like she just keeps going on and on about how good Locky and bride lady looked, how keen he was on her, as everyone gets progressively more pinch-faced and stressed.

Then she tells us “is it bad that I’m enjoying that”. AHAHAHAHA. Look at this evil grin.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
we don’t deserve her

You know who I don’t like right now? BELLA. She uses the opportunity to remind everyone that she has a rose. Like, we know beb. You didn’t need to rehash the rose-getting thing when everyone else is wailing in a pit of roseless despair.

Over to the bride lady, and I straight up thought we were inside a David Jones Food Hall for a minute:

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
twelve slices of jambon please

We’re not, it’s some sort of large function room made to look like an empty restaurant. Bride lady is all “I’m so glad you’re normal and hot and I love your tattoos”… is somebody gonna tell her?

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
Hope you liked the Riverboys on Home and Away then

They have this convo about WhY Is ShE SiNgLe WhEn ShEs So HoT and she’s like I have big goals, etc. Locky’s like SAME I just do things when I want to (again… how will this man sustain a relationship) and says he wants a partner who also has big goals.

Ummm… do you? Because multiple times you’ve now indicated you just like to do whatever you want whenever you want and Mrs. Big Goals is not going to be able to, like, drop her shit and move to Bali for six months my dude.

Should I say it louder for the people in the back?

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
YOU NEED A NO STRINGS INFLUENCER GF WHO CAN JUST FOLLOW YOU AROUND WATCHING YOU HURL YOURSELF INTO THE OCEAN & IS OK WITH YOU DISAPPEARING FOR WEEKS ON END ON HIKING TRIPS

Back at the mansion, the girls are told there’s a rose ceremony. Glasses is particularly upset.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
noeeeeeeee

On to the rose ceremony! Areeba is frothing because she’s wound all the ladies up with her “ohhh Locky and bride lady have so much chemistryyy” chatter and she wants to watch the mansion burn, basically.

Have I mentioned I love her? If she ever turns and becomes a proper bully I’ll deny this but right now, simply as a shit-stirring troll, I’m obsessed.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
an energy I can get behind

Meanwhile Bella, who did you know guys already has a rose, is telling us she WANTS TO GRAB LOCKY FOR TIME?! Lady, you have your rose! Let the others chat to the man!

She says some vague stuff about following her heart and/or her brain.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
guys idk if I’ve mentioned this but I’ve got a rose

Everyone is already HELL drunk like I swear they’ve been drinking straight from the champers bottle. There’s a lot of wide-mouth laughing and “you knowwwwwwww???” happening.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
this is the laugh I do when it’s post-work drinks and someone’s like SHOTS!!?!?!?!? at 5pm

Eventually Locky walks in – with bride lady (Kaitlyn, I’ve now figured out her name) and she has a ROSE.

Everyones brains immediately fall into their champers glasses and they all start parroting “can I grab you” “no can I grab YOUUU” “can I grab you NEXT” “can I grab you IMMEDIATELY NEXT”.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
can I grab forty wines to deal with this

Areeba and her current henchmen make a plan to grab Locky as a trio, which actually makes heaps of sense – as she explains, this gets them more time as a group with the guy, instead of being cut in on after five minutes.

The other women are BLOWN AWAY, absolutely GOBSMACKED that they would take him aside as a group. It’s like they asked him for a three way, that’s how shooketh everyone is.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
WOT IN TARNATION

But it goes…well it’s pretty chaotic but Locky seems to be enjoying himself.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
haha i’m in danger

The other girls go from shooketh to bitchy in seconds, someone’s like “are we at a hen’s party” because the ponytail one (who knows anyones names at this point, seriously) shows Locky she can dance like Shakira.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
oh my LAWD a woman gyrated her HIPS WHERE IS JESUS

It’s clear everyone’s jealous that they’ve found a genius way to hang out with the guy for longer than five minutes. At the end the… Juliette gives Locky this hand-written note.

He sits down to read it and it’s really nice – she basically tells him she’s not the girl in the ball dress, she… okay well she basically says I’M NOT A REGULAR GIRL I’M A COOL GIRL and you know I hate that shit. I take it back, the letter sucks.

But Locky loves it, and he walks in with a rose and hands it to her. Everyone returns to their regular programming of Bitchy Gobsmack.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
how dare two non-blondes get roses

It has that icky undertone of “that girl isn’t worth a rose” which is what I hate about this early bit of the show, like all the confident/outgoing/not blonde women are treated as though they’re not even contenders etc etc.

Also I am sorry to say it, but Areeba is cancelled.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
WHY DID YOU PLAY ME LIKE THIS AREEBA

At first she’s just annoyed that she didn’t get the rose from the group. But then she had to go ruin everything and start saying “there’s no way Juliette is prettier than me”. Ugggghhhhhhhh bye Areeba. For five minutes there you were my fave.

Everyone talks about it. This girl wobbles precariously on the edge of the couch and probably needs to switch to waters now.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
me on every Zoom drinks in iso

Quick segue to say that Zoe Clare is dressed like an Elizabethan courtier for some reason tonight.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
if it pleases m’lord, mayeth you spare thee a minute?

So Areeba goes in for blood with Juliette, saying she’s fake and she doesn’t want to be friends with her anymore. It’s pretty savage.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
oh no, i lost two friends I’d known for 5 hours

Bella meanwhile is still doing her whole “I’m a good personnnnn but also I wanna hang out with Locky” and honestly I cannot for the life of me see how you can argue that taking time at a cocktail party, a point where you can only really chat for five minutes anyway, when you already have a ROSE AND A LONG SINGLE DATE UNDER YOUR BELT could possibly be a kind decision when a bazillion other women who have barely seen the man’s face that week.

Everyone is understandably pissed. This woman seems to be yelling literally at producers.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
“you PROMISED I’d make top ten”

Also the mechanic engineer with the tatts, my new fave since I had to sadly bin Areeba, says it’s a “dog move” and I love her now.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
next it’ll be dogc*nt

Meanwhile Bella and Locky are not doing much to dispel those rumours that Bella was picked to win before the show even started. They’re just pashing on and cuddling and probably laughing mirthlessly at the plight of these other losers.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
if I hold the kiss for 3.75 minutes I’ll have had 75% more time with Locky than anyone

Everyone is crying. Like EVERYONE. The penguin is crying:

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
*crying for the IG followers I won’t get*

My favourite mechanic is crying:

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
*crying for the spot on Bachie In Paradise I’ll miss*

It’s a mess. Then they’re shuffled off to the rose ceremony where everyone makes it through except for these three women I’ve never seen before in my life.

BACHIE RECAP: And Just Like That, Areeba Is Cancelled
sorry side parts and centre part.

Sadly, three dreams of teeth whitening sponsorships died tonight.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.