It’s officially The Bachelor o’clock on the seemingly never-ending reality TV timeline and good lord, this season is already next-level dramatic.
In the absence of our honourary Bachie queens Melissa Mason (off just for the night) and Josie Rosenberg-Clarke, I (Lavender Baj, who usually recaps the far-less-dramatic Farmer Wants A Wife) am here to unpack whatever bullshit Channel 10 throws at us tonight. So sit down, grab a glass of moscato and let’s recap, baby.
Okay so we’re literally two seconds into the episode and Zoe-Clare has already reminded us that Areeba is *definitely* targeting her because of her hair colour. We get it, you have amazing red hair that we’d kill for, cool your jets babes.
It’s time to announce the winner of the first solo date with Locky, all of the girls are waiting in anticipation, telling us why they deserve it even though we all know it’s going to Bella.
Zoe-Clare tells us she needs it because she’s had “limited time with him” and uhhh babes, it’s episode two, nobody has had any time with him.
Completely unsurprisingly, Bella gets it but acts totally shocked because she’s a humble queen who doesn’t wanna rub it in that she’s totally the favourite already.
Now, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been binge-watching Mamma Mia! for all of lockdown, but this solo date gives me some serious young Donna vibes. They’re on a romantic yacht sailing through Sydney harbour, the wind is running through their hair. Seriously, all they need is a perfectly-choreographed dance routine and a sneaky cameo from Meryl Streep and this could be passed off as Mamma Mia! 3.
These two are getting married for SURE.
Also, Locky is giving me the *exact* vibes of that “get pitted” surfer dude and I simply can’t unsee it.
Back at the mansion, it’s time to invite the girls on the group date. All the girls want to go on the date, including Laura, who looks like a bogan version of Tiny Jane from The Bold Type. I can’t tell if I love or hate her, but only time will tell.
Obviously, Zoe-Clare cops an invite. She tells us she doesn’t want Areeba to be invited.
But of course, she gets invited too. You know, because ~drama~.
Which one of these two is the series villain?! I have no idea.
But back to the lovebirds:
They pull up to a “secluded” spot, which I assure you is literally impossible in Sydney but sure, whatever.
Locky has to admit that he’s never opened a bottle of champagne and doesn’t actually know how to, then proceeds to tell us he doesn’t actually like champers at all. Like dude, plan the date better, GOD.
Naturally, they jump in the water to show off their perfect bodies (and Locky’s dumb chest tattoo), seemingly forgetting that sharks exist.
Then Locky dives down in a ~very~ Leonardo DiCaprio move, I scream “don’t let go Jack” before remembering that this is not the Titanic. But just when we thought he’d pulled a bloody Harold Holt (I’m not Mel or Josie but I’ll still give you a HH reference) and yeeted out of the competition after one date, he resurfaces with a rose. Seriously, what is this sorcery?!
It’s a bloody perfect date and I’m not gonna go any further into it because let’s be real, we don’t give a shit about happily ever afters in episode two. Give us that TEA.
When she returns to the mansion, she refuses to kiss and tell. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s
Maybelline a strategy to make sure the girls don’t murder her in her sleep.
Bogan Tiny Jane tells us she’d wife Bella, which is a huge mood. I think I love her, but I’m still unsure.
The group date is obviously the photoshoot date, which is always a dramatic time. We love it.
As you’d expect, Zoe-Clare and Areeba are paired up in the same photoshoot and seriously, you could cut the tension with a knife. Meanwhile, the other girl (who cops the bartender role) is awkwardly sitting there trying not to get caught up in the crossfire.
Zoe-Clare gets Locky to lift her up onto the bar and steals the spotlight for the whole shoot. It seems like a smart idea but honestly, I have a feeling Locky is going to get fed up with it. Neither her or Areeba will win this show, but I reckon they’ll both make it through the next few weeks to give us some drama.
The next shoot was a weird family dinner scene, which included poor innocent Steph dressing up as a literal daddy with a moustache.
But, on account of the fact that she’s an absolute legend, she managed to laugh it off and clearly had the most chemistry with Locky. What can I say? Who doesn’t love a good daddy? Clearly Locky does.
Bogan Tiny Jane absolutely nailed the role of the jealous little sister, while Maddy stuck out like a sore thumb as the awkward housewife watching her husband try to flirt with her daughter’s boyfriend. It was a weird vibe.
But lucky for Irena, she got to be the girlfriend and got pretty handsy under the table before daddy Steph called her tf out for it. We love this for her.
Next up we had Roxy and Rosemary in a wedding ring-shopping shoot. Locky was clearly horn-magorn for Roxy and her sexual chemistry and look, can you blame him?
Obviously, she’s planned the whole wedding and uhh, who’s gonna break the news to her that it’s a photoshoot and not real life?
But just when the girls were waiting to find out who gets the final one-on-one shoot with Locky….
BWARP BWARP BWARP BWARP BWARPPPPPPP INTRUDER ALERTTTTTT
There’s a girl in a bloody wedding dress!!!!
Locky is caught off guard and chucks Osher a look that screams “what the fuck man, are you trying to get me killed?!”
He awkwardly has to meet the intruder in front of the girls, who are literally plotting her murder as she gives him a hug. It’s… a lot.
The photographer asks the girls to move to the side so Caitlin and Locky can have their first dance and uhhh… they literally say “no”.
It’s so awkward I could literally die.
And just like that, the insecurities come rushing to the surface. All of the girls are acting like it’s so out of character for there to be an intruder in The Bachelor. Like, have you ever even watched this show before?!
But the not-at-all shocking surprises didn’t stop there. Osher returns from behind a pot plant or something to drop another bombshell…. there will be a cocktail party tonight (next time for us).
The jaws drop lower than my booty in the club pre-iso. Again: why the fuck are we shocked? I am convinced none of these girls have ever seen Bachie before.
Aaaaaand, they all walk out crying. It’s a mess. I hate it.
Lavender Baj is the Arvo/Nights Writer at Pedestrian. She posts thirst traps and dog pics on Instagram and tweets every bat-shit thought she ever has on Twitter.