It’s the second last episode of The Bachelor Australia, which means our Bachelor recap spice is going to be over, O-V-A-H in a matter of days. Not to worry, we’ll be recapping The Bachelorette in no time.

The second last episode is always the boringest each season, because a) no one cares about these three on dates, they’re all frontrunners now and b) there’s no tension anywhere. But we’ve gotta get through it to get to the good shit, so. Such is life.

Anyway, here’s me (Mel) and Josie with the goods for you if you CBF watching.

MEL: Welcome Josie to the most boring episode of the season – the episode before the grand finale, when everyone just goes on extremely expensive dates and says “I just love spending time with you” over and over until we all die.

JOSIE: Oh my GOD. It was so incredibly dull. Just a lot of talking about feelings, and the kissing. So much kissing. I have pash rash just from watching this episode. And did you notice they needed to fill in time so just had a lot of unnecessary shots? Like this one of Matt traipsing through the jungle looking like Tom Hanks at the beginning of Castaway before he got all grizzled.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex

MEL: He was literally traipsing, too – I saw him stumble over tree roots at least three times. The man cannot bushwalk. Frankly I couldn’t trust someone to be my life-long trusted love if he can’t even avoid a few tree roots while bush bashing.

JOSIE: He’s way too City Boy to be out in the bush like this. So the first date was with Chelsie, and I’m sorry but if I can’t be savage at the end when can I be savage? This girl is perfectly nice, but so beige. Matt even colour-coordinated his jacket to match her personality.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
oh look, two old carpets are making out

MEL: HARD AGREE. You literally tipped your head back and closed your eyes for a bit.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex

MEL: I know she’s meant to be shy, but if you take away the on-camera awkwardness all she ever has to talk about is how she and Matt have similar jobs. All I can remember from this boring as shit date was them doing MATH EQUATIONS – I simply can’t think of anything more romantic than sitting down to a candlelit cheese platter with the man I love, and having him grill me with maths questions.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
Mmm babe the way you dragged that 9 over and times it by 6 gave me a semi

JOSIE: I know, and I feel bad a bit because I’m not shy so can’t relate to that side of things, but there also doesn’t seem to be a lot they have in common beside the ‘I’m a nerd’ stuff? And at the risk of sounding like Sex Queen Abbie here, there’s not a whole heap of chemistry between them. Like you said while we were watching it, you should want to rip each others’ clothes off at this point. I’m just not convinced of their connection, but she still semi-kinda-sorta dropped the L word?

MEL: I am hundo p not convinced – I do think Chelsie is legit and probably does feel she’s falling in love with him, but I don’t actually think she IS. She might be caught up in the romance of it all. I just don’t see it between them. But he must have some strong feels there because he gave her a goddamn necklace, so.

JOSIE: So then we went from the maths date to… something else altogether. Of course Abbie was always going to bring the spice, but I didn’t realise it would be quite so raunch! Channel Ten, there are children watching!

MEL: If Matt didn’t have a stiffy from that grinding, I’ll eat a lemon Fruche, the most disgusting food in the universe.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
a pox upon whoever invented this

JOSIE: Last season all we were there for was AQUA SEX because Honey Badger was unable to perform sexually unless partially submerged in water. Perhaps Abbie should have been on last season and he would have actually picked a winner? Anyway, I actually don’t mind Abbie and I’m all for a bit of light humping, but I did think that screaming ‘I’m really horny’ was maybe unnecessary at this point? I think he kinda gets that, hun.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
Nothing hotter than 40 cameras and a drone filming you pash, amirite

MEL: Look, on one hand I’m like – at this point you should be horny for each other, because you’ve been deprived anything beyond some gentle tongue action for MONTHS. If you don’t want to bone, what is the point? On the other hand – I felt like they could have kept the sexual tension in the water, as opposed to becoming two beached whales dry humping.

JOSIE: Yeah these two are really fans of multi-location humping. I even sensed some under the blanket action going on when they finally towelled themselves off for their jaunt on the super yacht.

MEL: It would not be surprising if they were secretly getting each other off under there. And all power to them! But I do feel like Abbie leans a LITTLE too hard on the “we want to fuck” stuff with Matt, like yes absolutely you need that chemistry but you also need to get along, and it’s weird to me because they totally do get along?? Like play THAT up more Abbie, he knows you’re hot and have fire chemistry!

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
if I kiss him long enough he’ll pass out and I can just put the rose into my hand while he’s unconscious

JOSIE: You’re right, she’s always been like ‘OUR SEXUAL CHEMISTRY IS THE BEST’ but there’s way more to it than that – on all their dates, they always have fun together even when their genitalia isn’t touching.
Anyway, after that hot-as date Helena never really stood a chance, did she? Especially after last week’s multiple brain farts.

MEL: Christ, no. She was basically already in the leaving limo while on the date, in my opinion. Like Matt’s got the limo on speed dial, ready in three hours.

JOSIE: Imagine if he straight up drove the leaving limo to pick her up, then jumped out like ‘Psych!’ and let some kindly older gentleman drive her off into the sunset, never to be seen again. I would have loved that. Instead we had the most cringe date ever.

MEL: It was SO awkward. First we had this uncomfortably lengthy chat about the vintage car, with Matt and Helena just saying “I looove vintage cars, no I loveeee vintage cars”. Yeah cool we all love vintage cars.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
i love this car so much i want it to run me over and break all my bones, beat THAT

JOSIE: And then for some reason they started speaking Spanish (?) in a weird nod to the awkward “You didn’t speak French” incident from last episode. Which of course led to a very uncomfortable conversation about that. Helena really did not make herself look good in this moment, basically admitting that backing out of the show was a test to see if Matt fought for her or not. He was pretty off it, and fair enough.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
situación incómoda.

MEL: Matt was 10000% not into Helena playing games like that, and tbh neither were we. I understand her insecurity – hell, I’d feel insecure if I was one of three women who Matt MIGHT like. But still, chucking a tanty to make him prove his love isn’t the way to solve that situation.

JOSIE: She definitely drove the final nail into her coffin with that little admission. They didn’t even kiss on that date, which really spoke volumes about the whole situation. In fact, this was Matt’s face in his to-camera interview.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
i kiss everyone, this is a big deal

MEL: Absolutely off it. So it was pretty fucking obviously he was going to let Helena go during the rose ceremony, but they weirdly led with a cocktail party where NO ONE spoke to each other?? It was just Matt standing sullenly under a rose bush swilling his whiskey around, and all the ladies sitting and staring into the abyss clutching champagne glasses.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex

JOSIE: It was just a series of moody close up shots of them gazing just past the camera. Very atmospheric stuff. But you’re right, it was a done deal, that rose ceremony. I don’t think even Helena was surprised when Abbie and Chelsie’s names were called out.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Aqua Sex Aqua Sex Aqua Sex
wow what me a rose

MEL: No one was surprised. Someone who has never seen one minute of the show wouldn’t have been surprised. My dog wasn’t surprised and she regularly barks at the tv when The Bachelor is on.

JOSIE: As I said to you, if he picked Helena I would have peed in my pants. So I’m glad for the sake of my public dignity that he didn’t. We’re down to the final two, and who knows which gal he’s gonna pick! I’m quietly hoping it’s Chelsie just so I can enjoy Abbie being spicy on Bachelor in Paradise.

MEL: SAME. I am still holding out for a surprise Elly return though. Only 24 hours til we find out!

Love Mel and Josie? Do you? DO YOU LOVE US PLEASE LOVE US? Come listen to our true crime and mysteries podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. 

Image: Network Ten