To be honest, the country is still reeling from the events of last night’s episode of The Bachelor Australia that saw Bachelor Matt Agnew shockingly dump frontrunner Elly after she decided to concentrate on an anti-Abbie smear campaign rather than building a romantic relationship with Matt.

I didn’t think i could mentally take much more drama (who am I kidding, of course I can it’s why I watch this damn show) but tonight’s hometown date episode delivered truckloads of it. It’s me Josie recapping solo in the absence of my usual cohort Mel, but I promise to give it a red hot crack.

Abbie and Brisbane are first up for hometowns — Matt is still suss on Abbie’s “intentions” after Elly and Sogand seemed determined to tell him they were the “wrong ones”, and is going to use the opportunity of meeting her family to see if she truly is a demon summoned directly from Hades or just a normal, every day gal!

Bachelor Recap
the face you pull when you’re not sure if you’re dating the spawn of satan

The Bachie music supervisors, in mourning after losing China Enthusiast Kristen and therefore their chance to use Token Oriental Music every time she comes on the screen, are now using their entire back catalogue of Raunchy Sex Music as Bachelor Matt and self-proclaimed Sex Queen Abbie make out in 4 different spots of a rooftop pool and then in front of two unsuspecting massage therapists who frankly look like they’d rather be sticking forks in their eyes that witnessing this sloppy display of televised affection.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
if they don’t tip us i will drown them

Then it’s over to Abbie’s mum Laura‘s house where god love her she goes IN on the interrogation, but he’s also got a lot of questions about Abbie starting a family. Why is Matt so obsessed with impregnating someone? You’re a bloke, Matt, you can literally procreate as a 70-year-old. You have no biological clock, so just zip your pants up and calm the fuck down.

Meanwhile Uncle Rob‘s main gripe seems to be Abbie getting hurt, but Matt seems to win him over, and Laura seems satisfied too. Abbie drops the L word, telling Matt she’s falling in love “really quickly”. I still don’t know how I feel about Abbie — is she genuine or has she just watched 6 seasons of The Bachelor and knows exactly how to play it? And it’s all a ploy to get on Bachelor in Paradise? I JUST DO NOT KNOW.

Next Matt is off to his own hometown of Melbs to hang with Chelsie, who is still banging on about how she’s previously experienced heartbreak. Part of me doesn’t want her to win the show and instead for her to be the one to go on Bachie in Paradise to have some zesty secret sex encounters in the shacks. Girl needs to loosen up!

Her and Matt have quite a boring drink at a bar, completely devoid of sex after the raunch-fest that was his pre-family date with Abbie. Chelsie’s family are also really concerned that she’s going to get hurt again. I am so shook by the sheer amount of demons this woman has apparently been dating — note to all single girls out there, do not move to Melbourne. The men there will hurt you and you’ll be forced to hang out in parks alone looking pensive.

Bachelor Recap
some day my non-demonic prince will come

Shannon, the big sister, starts questioning Matt and Chelsie’s romantic chemistry, because without Sex Queen Abbie there who else is going to do it? Her intense questions about their physical attraction make Chelsie’s poor sweet parents do this:

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
oh my
‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
oh. my.

Shannon interrogates Matt about his true feelings for what seems like 7 hours, but at this point he has to say the same diplomatic shit to everyone’s families and I do feel for the Bachelor men a bit in this scenario — surely by this point they have some idea who they want to choose in the finale, so they’re basically just lying to a lot of lovely parents named John. It must suck.

Chelsie says to camera that she’s falling in love with Matt and that she needs to tell him, but when the time comes to do it she just kind of splutters and can’t go through with it, at all. That’s it, I need to know who has hurt sweet Chelsie so I can personally go and fuck them up.

Back to Sunny Sydney and it’s former stage 5 clinger turned top 4 gun Emma‘s turn. Who knew that the woman the producers were so determined to paint as a psycho would actually be an age-appropriate emotionally honest person that Bachelor Matt appreciates enough to bring to the top 4! The first thing Emma does is introduce Matt to her two dogs and I cannot help but do this whenever I see cute animal content.

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They’re so cute and we all know dogs are a good judge of character, like Teddy for example.

Bachelor Recap
hmm i don’t trust you at ALL you science-knowing piece of SHIT

Emma and Bachelor Matt go to see Emma’s Kiwi mates, and the male mate seems honestly mortified by the fact that he needs to be involved in the plotline of the Bachelor at all.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
wait like do i have to like talk and stuff

Just like that we’re back to Stage 5 vibes because Emma blurts out that she’s in love with Matt already, to which her friend Jen basically shouts YOU’VE HAD 2 DATES. Then she takes Matt aside to gauge his level of intense feelings, but he says very honestly that he can’t tell Jen who is going to be left at the end because he doesn’t know himself. It’s not a good answer for Jen, who can see this ending in an absolute bin fire of a situation.

Emma then tells Matt she’s falling in love with him, and it’s safe to say the reaction isn’t the same as it is for Abbie when she says the same thing. In fact he tells the camera that Emma feelings are progressing more rapidly than his own, so it already looks like it may be curtains for her.

Bachelor Recap
the exact constipated face you want to see when you’ve told a bloke you love him

Finally it’s over to WA for Helena‘s date, where she waits for Matt dressed as Roger Federer and talks him through her frankly terrifying-sounding family, including yet another intimidating older sister and a father that she compares to a Russian mafia boss.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
wimbledon, but make it basic

Papa downs an entire glass of champagne in one go and then just stares Matt down, who feebly attempts some light footy chat which goes down like the leadest of balloons. Of course the show’s editors don’t share any more of the convo, it could have been really free-flowing, but that’s not fun TV is it! Also her dad has quite a strong French accent so maybe he’s just not that up for a detailed D&M.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
no i do not want to ‘voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir’

Speaking of French, while it’s a nice dinner, the merde sure hits the fan though when Matt forgets that Helena spoke French to him on the red carpet when they first met. Lady, he met like 200 girls on the red carpet. Several people spoke languages to him. (Do I have to bring up the China Enthusiast again?) But Helena decides that this means Matt hates her and burst into tears outside. Her mother, a sensible queen, is really calm and points out that this has been really hard for Matt and he has a lot going on, while her sister Ali enables it by basically holding up a sign saying DUMP HIM.

Bachelor Recap
hmm i think it’s about time to COMPLETELY OVERREACT

She confronts Matt and he doesn’t try to dig his way out of it and grovel. He says that what matters most to him is the spark that they both felt upon meeting, but Helena has convinced herself that he doesn’t like her at all and pulls the pin on the entire thing. That’s right, she dumps MATT. It’s not unlike the shock withdrawal of Brooke last season, who got to the final few and then “Yeah, nahed” herself out of the Honey Badger situation.

Poor Bachelor Matt is super upset and has to walk alone into the darkness to be with his feelings, saying he feels “blindsided”. I can’t really tell if it the issue here was Helena not liking him or him not liking Helena. Or both? My brain, it hurts. In another shock twist, Matt comes back, saying he can’t leave without a fight because Helena is important to him.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
hi, did i leave my dignity here?

He manages to claw his way back into her good books with some light grovelling, but after a brief smooch she dumps his ass AGAIN. Then in yet another twist (seriously stop this Helena my heart can’t take it) she says she’s back in, but Ten bloody play us with this shit after the ad break:

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: “Smart Bachelor” Matt Somehow Manages To Get Dumped Twice In One Episode
you fucking dicks

But psych, Helena fucken appears anyway! Five seconds after Matt arrives to dish out roses, Helena wants another chat and I just do not understand what’s happening here. Meanwhile the other girls don’t have any of the back story and they think she’s just ducked outside for a zesty little catch-up with him, when she’s actually just attempting to explain her wild hometown date antics a bit.

Bachelor Recap
HaHAhah sorry for what I said when I was insane

When the chat is done, Chelsie cops the first rose, no shocks there. Abbie is also through to the final 3, so it’s Sure Emma vs Unsure Helena for the final rose. Shockingly, after all that fuckery, he STILL keeps Helena around. First Elly, now this?”

You know Emma must be seeing RED right now, especially since Helena pulled that stunt. Bachelor Matt says he’s just not feeling as strongly about Emma as she is about him — I really hope Emma finds the right guy out there somewhere, bless her over-eager heart. But more importantly, I’m keen to see how many times Helena can dump Matt next week.