We’re on the home stretch my Bachelor friends! Second last episode! We just have to make it through these tepid “home” visits and then we’re at the finale, finding out if Locky will pick Bella or Irena.

Oh, come on. As if that’s a spoiler. If you didn’t figure out by now that it was gonna be between Bella or Irena, you’re probably off watching The Block and confusing it with The Bachelor somehow.

Let’s recap, shall we?

We run head first into the hometowns, which are in Sydney, because COVID. To try and spice things up a bit, the producers are getting each woman to take Locky through some sort of entertaining activity loosely related to their home life. Izzy’s is yoga.

I always look like this when I do yoga, absolutely not like an inflexible tomato nosiree

There is an inordinate amount of time spent assessing Locky’s third nipple when he strips down to get bendy. Like, around 50 close up, elongated shots of his nip.

we get it, you’ve got a third nipple and some badly shaven chest hair

At one point Izzy tries to SQUEEZE IT????

imagine if milk did spurt out though, lol

After 40 years of nipple fondling, they get down to business. Izzy, thankfully, puts her blow dried hair up but it still looks far too nice for yoga.

Yes my other yoga hairstyle, slut strands

Izzy explains she grew up on a multi-family property, NOT a commune. But basically, a commune. Her mum is a hippie and Locky will be meeting her mum, her other mum, and her cousin. They get VERY vague here and it’s never entirely explained as to whether it’s like “my other mum” as in a family friend Izzy is close to, or her mum’s partner??? Fair enough but also instead of being vague and giving them the quirky music how about just PICKING A STORY HERE GUYS.

Anyway Izzy’s mum is a feminist. That is her personality. The Feminist.

Look at that angry feministy face, what a feminist

I actually think the Other Mum character was more secretly savage than Izzy’s mum. She asks Locky if he believes in the eternal monogamy of marriage (I’m obsessed with this woman) and other hectic shit. It’s so damn good.

YES MOIRA! ALSO I’VE JUST DECIDED YOU SEEM LIKE A MOIRA!

Locky is like:

How to tell these women I literally can’t remember Izzy’s name without producers feeding it to me in an earpiece

In the end, he wins over the mums. Of course he does. Can we PLEASE have ONE season where the Bach doesn’t win over someone’s family and instead runs screaming from the house whilst being pelted with rotten fruit?

Izzy tells Locky at the door that she “can see herself falling in love with him” and honestly beb, that right there is your ticket home because you’re competing against “I’ve gone off the pill so I’m ready for your babies” Irena and “I’ve already bought a plane ticket to Bali even though it’s COVID” Bella at this point.

“that’s cool but prob need you to have already bought the dress for our wedding by now beb”

Next, he heads to a waterfall with “I love hiking” Irena. For some reason they’ve whipped out some Tupperware for cocktails in the dirt.

Knowing this show it’s prob also like 1/10th Aldi prosecco and the rest is watery orange juice

Before they can get all excited about Locky meeting Irena’s fam, Osher leaps out of a gum tree to tell them that soz, Melbourne is back in lockdown and Irena’s family won’t be coming to Sydney.

“oh noooo I can’t meet your scary brother so sad”

But psych! They can Zoom chat with them! What follows is a lot of people yelling at their computers and Irena’s terrifying brother giving Locky the stink-eye.

First, what is that tattoo, second-

As ALWAYS the family fucking LOVE HIM ugh. Next is Bec! Who is Bec? I don’t know!

Apparently this girl sitting on a paddle board carefully watching Locky’s crotch

Bec is her usual brand of disinterested. She disinterestedly tells Locky about her family and then disinterestedly introduces him to them. The only highlight is old mate moustachio here:

This has to be the best “kindly fuck off” look I’ve ever seen

At the end of it Bec tells Locky that even though they’ve known each other for 0.00002 seconds, she has feelings for him. But! She’s never been in love so she can’t say that. Locky is LIVID about this.

Uhhhh what do you mean you can’t tell me, a man you’ve been on one date with, that you love me

He holds it as a strike against Bec. How dare she not love him immediately? How could she possibly be worthy of the $25 sterling silver and cubic zirconia ring he will offer to the winning lady?

Finally, we head to Bella’s house. Honestly, Bella and Locky seem to have the most intense chemistry of all these women. I know everyone is saying Irena wins, but if I didn’t know all that goss I’d have my money on Bella right now. There’s just a LOT more real-vibes going on. But also, in 2020 who hasn’t been on a date with “real-vibes” only to get ghosted eh!!! EH!!!!! I’m not projecting!!!!

Bella has a scary Greek dad, by the way.

It’s me, scary Greek dad

I’m allowed to say that because a) I’m Greek and b) my dad isn’t scary but my Theo Papou certainly was. If you want scary reality TV dads, you go to the Greeks my friend.

Annoyingly, even scary Greek dad warms to Locky. Boring! What isn’t boring is Bella and Locky’s convo at the door. Bella is basically saying she loves him (without actually saying it) and struggling because she knows he can’t say it back. It’s VERY raw and either Bella is a brilliant actor who will go far on Neighbours after this, or she’s genuinely cut up about her deep feelings for this guy.

Eventually she does tell him she loves him, and in STUNNING areas, truly perfect Bachelor bullshit, Locky replies with “thank you”. AHAHAHAHAHAA WHAT!!!! LOCKY!!! NO!!! NO LOCKY!! BAD BOY! SHOOSH!

Even “you’re cool too” would have been better mate

Honestly have you not learned from your predecessors? Just don’t say shit and kiss the woman, son! Good lord, I cringed so hard I became part of my couch and will remain embedded in it for as long as I live.

After that debacle we head to the rose ceremony. Locky pretends to look extremely torn about his final two.

You can just hear the producer screaming in his ear “LOOK MORE UPSET AND CONFUSED!!!!”

In the end, shock horror oh my god, he picks Irena and Bella for top two. They look thrilled to bits at having to spend yet another week with each other in the hellhole that is the Bachelor mansion.

Tomorrow night!!! Finale!! Locky royally cocks it up by telling BOTH women he’s falling in love with them!!! Sweet Jesus how did we cop a worse Bachie than Honey Badger, I ask you!

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer who will probably need six wines to get through the finale tomorrow. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter