*Screams at highest of pitches* THANK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK WE’RE OUT OF LOCKDOWN LOVE SLASH LOVE LOCKDOWN SLASH WHATEVER THEY ATTEMPTED TO SPICE IT UP AS BUT FAILED MISERABLY!!!!!

The Bachelor mansion is back, babey. And I could not be happier, honestly that was true hell watching producers try to squeeze the tiniest amount of drama/romance out of lockdown hell. It was like watching someone squeezing a pimple but it’s at the blood bit of squeezing. Uncomfortable and frankly disgusting.

The first gal back in the mansion is Irena, who has gone full HAM with the bedazzle in a disco pantsuit.

I support this Mariah energy

She immediately pashes on with Locky which is VERY telling – these guys obviously got way closer in lockdown.

not un-COVIDsafe close though hehehe

Locky is clearly pleased to see her and they seem more relaxed together. Fuck Bella, Irena seems like the frontrunner now.

Locky’s like “she’s so WARM” and he meant her personality but I thought he meant she was literally warm, like a hot water bottle.

honestly it looked like a fucking cold night, I’d prob be beaming with joy if a warm lady hugged me

All the others arrive and it’s way more beige than the Irena welcome. No kisses, nothing interesting. When they all get inside, Juliette AGAIN goes for Roxi. It’s getting boring. She says to camera “isn’t she bored of me?” and it’s like dude we can all see that you are antagonising her, THAT’S what’s boring.

at least do it in a more subtle, Areeba way

Bella hadn’t arrived yet and when she does it’s ALL on. Like Irena, there is real chemistry here.

“mmm WARM”

In wild news, Bella and Irena are on the outs. BIG time. Bella not only walks in and says hi to everyone else before Irena, she point-blank ignores the woman. MATURE!

She takes Izzy and some other people aside to talk shit about Irena, saying that she was mouthing off about how much Locky called her, but it turned out she was texting him all the time. YIKES.

It’s a totally different side to Bella – not necessarily demony, just heaps pissed off.

Truth bomb tho are you just pissed your dude is chatting to other women as much as youuuuuuuu

Locky takes Irena for a chat and honestly? She doesn’t even say anything bad?? She’s literally like ugh I’m over the drama but doesn’t specify WHAT drama or anything. They just cuddle and look cute.

well, if stoned and dead behind the eyes is cute these days

But Bella flips her lid. She tells the girls Irena’s saying stuff to Locky about her and she can’t handle it. Honestly, WHAT could she even be saying? I am so confused.

omg what if she tells him about my secret stash of chewed gum I like to stroke before bed

Irena takes Bella aside for a chat around this point, and it is TENSE. Bella just outright says she’s off Irena for lying, and Irena doesn’t classify it as lying – she admits she would text Locky, but then he would call her so where is the lie?

why you so obsessed with me

In the end Bella GETS IZZY INVOLVED which is fucking madness, peak high school drama, then storms off and leaves Irena alone looking heaps sad. It’s fucked and weird and WHAT IS HAPPENINGGGGG.

Also is Locky looking more bot-like than ever? IS THIS THE UPSIDE DOWN

Next thing we know, Bec “I’m so cool and chill haha yay let’s jump in the pool in our formal wear” walks in. She’s like WTFFFF why are all these women so CRAZY lol there is so much DRAMA is anyone even here for LOCKY haha.

shut up Bec you don’t KNOW WHAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH

Juliette once again says some dumb shit and this time Roxi snaps. She storms off to talk to a producer about leaving the show.

“I literally couldn’t give two fucks Roxi given there’s a pandemic and less of you is better”

She marches off into the abyss, never to be seen again.

lol bye

Locky takes 0.02 seconds to mourn the loss of Roxi before immediately brightening up for his single date with Bec!

I’m really going to miss Rochie.

As always, Bec is wearing a super inappropriate outfit for their activity! At least this time I’d like to think she had NFI they were going to jettison themselves into turbulent waters for no reason, in the middle of winter.

“and I thought, what’s more romantic than getting bog toe from water immersion?”

Off they go, careening through fake rapids, Bec laughing the entire way because fucked if SHE’S going to admit she’s scared shitless and hates all forms of outdoor activity, and also hates this guy and just wants to become an influencer who can command $10,000 per post.

HAAAAAA SO FUN I LOVE BEING CRAZY!

At their date later she once again is going on about how cool/chill she is, all “haaaa nothing bothers me haaaaaa except when people leave the telly on at bedtime haaaaa”

“also when men don’t consider their partner in their plans and just do what they want haaaaaaaa”

We end things on them kissing for the country, pretty much.

Who even cares because NEXT WEEK it’s like, Bella ripping Locky’s arm out of it’s armhole to tell him what a dogc*nt Irena is or some shit!!!! LOVE THIS FOR US!!!!!

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and would 100/10 hook up with Locky after 6 pina coladas at Potato Head Beach Club. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter