Gather ’round folks, we’ve just been gifted with a 1-minute-28-second The Bachelor promo video introducing four of the contestants and youknow what this means! Yes! An in-depth conspiracy-style investigation into which one of these lovely ladies is going to be our winner, because why the fuck not.
I know there’s only four ladies in the promo, but would they really give us more time with these ladies if we aren’t supposed to at least care about one of them?? So on that logic, I’m assuming there is a winner hidden here and I am going to sniff her out. Buckle up, we’re going for a dive.
The Bachelor promo vid starts off with Bachie Jimmy Nicholson meeting a lovely lass named Lily, who comes flying in (literally) through some bizarre contraption that tbh I don’t really care for. I know Jimmy is all ‘wow her eyes are so beautifully blue’ but news flash son, this is The Bachelor – like at least half of these ladies are going to be blonde with dazzling blue eyes. You can’t keep using that line for a special lady when she shares that trait with a significant portion of her competitors.
Lily is cute as a button and reminiscent of Bachie winner Chelsea McDonald, but also the last time we rooted for the cutie it was Bella Veralis and shit hit the fan like, one rose in. I have learnt my lesson, and so I’m tossing this one to the wind.
I will say though, that green dress? STUNNING.
Alrighty, next we have Brooke – and honestly, we already have sweetheart music so I reckon she’s the strongest contender here. And also, look at her cute arm-linky move with Jimmy!! Now *this* is a Chelsea strategy, and also the way to my heart as much as it is to him. Brooke would feed me so she’s the best already.
I’m interested in her dress – it seems understated compared to the others. It’s the kind of dress half the girls at my year 12 formal wore – the whole nude with black design thing. Very humble, girl-next door. Which I think is good?? Both the last two Bachie winners were of the girl-next-door variety too. So actually maybe Brooke is a strong contender??
Then we get Holly, who is SO BEAUTIFUL, and actually seems super nice and down to earth. BUT, she is wearing neon green, or yellow, idk it doesn’t really matter – the point is, the colour of this dress emits Menacing Energy that instantly creates Hostile Vibes. I’m calling it now, the other girls are not going to like her (probably because they are threatened by her charm), she’ll get dragged into petty drama started by someone else, and it’ll cost her the ~chill girl~ look that is clearly her vibe. Winners don’t wear neon, soz.
Also, for some reason I am just so distracted by the wine in the centre of this shit. Why is it getting so much salience?? But wait a second… the wine she’s drinking… it’s so dark. Like, as dark as Brooke’s dress. Brooke? Brooke??? Okay look she’s on my mind, I can’t help it.
Anyway, now we’re at girl #4 which is Jay. Cute name! Even cuter dress! It’s short which is new but also short dresses are not Bachie winner material so I don’t think she is the one. Unless Bachie is trying to trick us and be subversive? Or maybe that’s what they want me to think. Which in that case would make the dress still non-winner. But also, they probably have anticipated me making that assumption and could be trying to confuse me. Honestly is anything even real??
Okay okay back to chess. Hang on… chess. In chess, there’s a piece called a rook. Like… Brooke. And Jimmy is playing with the black pieces. Black rook… Bloocke… Brooke. Brooke??? YOU CANNOT DENY THE SIGNS.
I mean think about it people… Brooke is the only one wearing a dark dress, so she already stands out from the crowd. Normally it’s the light-dress ladies that hint a winner, but since Bachie is onto us and knows that *we* know that light dresses are the spoiler, there’s a solid chance they’re fucking with us. I feel like we’ve gotten very good at guessing who will win from The Bachelor promo videos, and so because of that I reckon the production crew are going to do whatever they can to throw us off.
I’m sorry but Brooke is calling to me. Everything in this promo is subtlety bringing us back to her. Brooke, rook, it’s all there. Out of all these ladies, Brooke is getting the furthest – you heard it here first, folks.
The Bachelor Australia premieres Wednesday, 21 July On 10 And 10 Play On Demand. You can watch the full The Bachelor promo video below.
