Bachelor In Paradise ended on a massive, dramatic cliffhanger last week with Bill in the shit over getting American Alex to pick Flo so he could keep her around, even though he’s dating Alex Nation.
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So naturally we kicked off this week with a full-on love triangle fight. But that’s not where the drama ended – nope, we had newbie American Caroline, who came in and tried to steal Richie’s heart from Cass. Not to mention Ivan and Jules drooling like tiny babies over Tenille, who CBF committing to anyone to be honest.
As always, me (Mel, Senior Style & Features Editor) and Josie (Head Of Editorial) are here to recap what went down.
JOSIE: Well following on from the scandal of last episode, we open with a full-on screaming match between Flo and… well, no one else was screaming actually. But Bill was the object of her ire. I was getting pretty annoyed on her behalf actually, he’s such a liar and then turned it on her and made her look hysterical. I HATE that. It used to happen to me a bit with guys because I am an emotional person.
MEL: Bill is the BIGGEST gaslighter, he absolutely a) was trying to bone her on their date and b) said he wasn’t seeing anyone. He’s the worst. I’s on video, mate! But I also want to say that Flo going “why can’t these guys be honest” over Bill and her ex-fling, Jake, was a bit… well basically beb, it’s time to date some new types of guys I think.
JOSIE: Haha yes I absolutely had that thought too. Like, take some ~ learnings ~ from this, hun. It was interesting that it took Zoe being like “Uh yeah he is being shady, I have receipts” for Alex Nation to take it seriously. Her marching over there to say her two cents to Bill and Nathan had strong high school quadrangle vibes, to me. I can definitely remember doing the same thing in Year 10 to a group of future fuckboys. I really could have done without Bill’s PA Nathan? I like Nathan but don’t align yourself with Bill, doll. As Flo said “He’s a fucking fucking fucking c*nt”.
MEL: Right? I have no idea why Nathan was even involved – or why Alex was speaking mainly to him while Shady Bill The Sociopath watched on. Such a weird confrontation. I absolutely died when Bill took her out for a walk in the sludgy reef, though.
JOSIE: Oh my god why were they all just hanging around in the sludge in this episode? At one point Zoe joined them and I was like… “wow we are never going to see these three again”. The whole time Bill was trying to gaslight Alex I was silently pleading “please, please don’t forgive him”. Don’t you love how the producers are like “Ah yes, let’s reward this fuckwit with another fancy getaway date”. Honestly! He is the worst, I think what the producers SHOULD do is whisk him off again, toss him into the deep sludge and pretend they have no idea where he is.
MEL: And then on their date Alex is suddenly falling in love with this Demon? I could not believe that. I know manipulators can be masterful at what they do but I really like Alex, she seems really switched on and smart so either he’s been saying shit we haven’t been privy to, or she’s thinking with her vagina and not her brain.
JOSIE: He was just sitting there mentally flicking through his favourite bedside book, A Demonic Sociopath’s Guide To Modern Gaslighting, picking out foolproof phrases such as “I want you to meet my friends” and “my family would love you” and “dog park”.
MEL: Meanwhile, Flo running through all the soggy teatowels of relationships in this place with zero enthusiasm was a mood and a half.
JOSIE: Hahaha wasn’t it. It’s just completely devoid of any real mature human feelings at this point. Did you hear what she said? “I’m sitting here thinking about Davey Lloyd but he’s already gone”. I may be on a crowded Newcastle to Sydney train, but you bet your bottom dollar I shrieked at that. Bring Davey back pls producers!
MEL: Surely they will. SURELY. Meanwhile, the newest recruit to this island of broken dreams is Caroline, from the US Bachelor. I actually think she seems like a bit of a ledge. Interesting that she took Richie on a date, but honestly – what is even going on with him and Cass. That relationship is so beige I want to die.
JOSIE: wanted to scream at the screen when he was like “Hmm I’ve got a good thing going with Cass.” Mate you’re either a) siblings or b) in some very chaste Year 9 “romance” where you just go “Ohhh shut up!” and give each other nipple cripples? I love Cass but Richie doll you’re in your 30s, it’s time to date a Woman not a Girl. Caroline was a real vibe! I’m glad he agreed to go on the date, even if poor Cass’ face broke my heart into exactly 10,000 pieces.
MEL: Christ on a bike, watching Cass mooch around for the entire episode wringing her hands over her “relationship” with Richie was painful. I adore her, and I hate that her fragile little heart was smashed. But also beb you are an adult, you have to get it together.
Richie also has to grow up – what was that story he told Caroline, about how he shat on himself when he was six? This is not how to do flirty banter, Richie. Also, using the word “extratemporaneous” or whatever the fuck that was is not gonna do it either.
JOSIE: Um I’m calling it that your most embarrassing moment wasn’t shitting yourself at age 6, but rather having a fucken chocolate bath in front of the entire country, mate.
MEL: I was actually disappointed Richie and Caroline didn’t kiss, and instead he came back from their cute date and beelined for Cass to reassure her she was still his number 1. I just think Caroline was a better match, you know?
JOSIE: Same, there was instant chemistry! I guess now she’ll have to go and date American Alex, who I’m pretty sure is made out of cardboard he is that dull. Can we talk about Jules finally developing into his true form, the Common Fuckboy? My god. I cannot believe Alisha didn’t headbutt him during that infuriating conversation.
MEL: Jules has completely lost the plot, at that point he hadn’t even spoken to Tenille and yet he wanted to sideline Alisha for some non-existent potential relationship? He does NOT deserve her, and I’m glad she eventually cancelled him. Like she said at the end of the episode, everything has always been on his terms. I also fucking HAAAATE when men use “I’m an idiot” to explain away piss-weak behaviour. It’s such a cop out, because no – you’re just being a selfish prick, actually.
JOSIE: I wanted to strangle him with my headphone cable when he was all like **adopts quirky voice** “I’m an IDIOT, lol”. It’s not a joke, Jules — you’re talking about people’s feelings here. Yes you are an idiot and a selfish prick like you say Mel, but at least be man enough to admit it without the implied jokey finger guns. So proud of Alisha for having enough self-worth to be like no thanks, bye. Power to ya, gal! Between that and being Cass’ first Paradise kiss Alisha was such a mood in this episode.
MEL: Meanwhile Ivan has LOST THE PLOT. I could not believe what a jealous psychopath he was being over Tenille. First with Nathan when he took Tenille aside to have a chat, which was literally nothing anyway, and then getting the shits at American Alex and literally PULLING HIM ASIDE because he… let Tenille play that “draw on someone’s back and write a word” game? What the fuck. Total controlling shithead behaviour, and like Tenille said – they’ve been dating for four days.
JOSIE: Oh my god, that was fucking stalker / serial killer vibes. Do Not Ever just be creepily sitting on someone’s bed when they don’t know you’re there. Number one rule in life. He was following her around like a bad smell all episode which was just kind of mildly irritating, but then he really kicked it up a notch, huh. It’s been four days on a reality show, mate, you have no ownership over Tenille at all. Even Unhinged Brittney didn’t treat him like this when he ditched her for Tenille, haha. I reckon she will be watching like “I dodged a bullet, he’s even more unhinged than I am”.
MEL: RIGHT!? He totally lost it, and even though Tenille seemed to be chill with him even though he literally waited in her room like an axe murderer while she PEED, you could tell she was 100% off it. I think those two will be donezo by the end of the next ep. I also couldnt’ deal with Jules losing his mind over the most spark-less convo ever with Tenille. Christ, I know the girl is gorgeous and sweet but she’s not Lady Jesus, guys.
JOSIE: I know, Tenille gives them nothing but it’s like… that’s what drives them mad with desire? It’s so weird. Meanwhile he goes on actual amazing dates with a smart fun person (Alisha) who is honest and upfront about her feelings and it’s like “Yeah nah not keen”. I do not get how his mind works. Clearly because he has lost it.
MEL: I could not believe how much he read into that tepid conversation, he was basically predicting their future children’s names and all she said was “yeah we can hang out since you like me, and see how it goes”. Meanwhile poor Alisha crying broke my SOUL, Josie. Honestly her and Alex Nation are the only people left in this place that I give two shits about, and they both got pummelled by fuckboys this episode. Here’s hoping some decent guys come through this week so they can crush those asshole’s hearts into the Earth by going off with a new babe each.
JOSIE: I hate most of the guys on the island! They have no souls! Yes, bring us some glorious handsome non-Demons. Alex Nation and Alisha bloody deserve it. And givvus some Davey Lloyd for a) Flo romance vibes and b) Unhinged Shannon “but he said he wanted to maybe marry me at some point” vibes.
Love Mel and Josie? Read their Game Of Thrones recaps here, or listen to their true crime/mystery podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour.
