IT’S BACK, BABEY! The best show on television (no) Bachelor In Paradise. Where all our favourite has-beens/people we don’t even recognise come together on an overcast Fijian island and start dry-humping each other and/or crying. Wonderful stuff.
As always, we’re here to recap the batshit events and faux-mances for you. “We” being me (Mel, Senior Style and Features Editor) and Josie (Head of Editorial). Grab your mango daiquiri and settle in, babes.
MEL: Okay what the fuck did we just watch, Josie. I feel like this season is already shaping up to be more batshit than the last.
JOSIE: Literally I’m worried for all those people. No one seems okay? But in a very real way I’m so into it and yes, we screamed in many parts of the episode.
MEL: So first up we had Shannon, dressed as a bad Picnic At Hanging Rock extra…
JOSIE: Like a Picnic At Hanging Rock adults only edition, haha. She was extremely very loud, wasn’t she?
MEL: I hate saying this because people often say this about me… but she was A LOT. Like why was she laughing like a drain after every sentence? Also petition for boater hats to be collected across the world and burned in a pyre.
JOSIE: And why we she extending her jaws to 80 degrees like a Tasmanian tiger? It was way too much. I feel exhausted after watching her. But it was very exciting to see my favourite door in the middle of the path that leads to…more path.
MEL: Same, and Oshie! I feel like he genuinely believes these has-beens are there to find love. He’s so sincere with his hand-clasping and intense stares as he tells them he’s excited for them. Bless, Osh – these people just want to get to 6-digit Instagram followers. Side note – can they all stop pretending that resort is amazing. It is 3 stars at best and constantly overcast.
JOSIE: And the grey sludge water probably contains flesh-eating bacteria. So then Bill arrives, and because we CONFESSION TIME did not watch Ali‘s season, we just had to rely on the small recap for backstory. Which mainly involved him clarifying the “friend” he introduced to Ali was not his ex-girlfriend, because technically a date is “wining and dining” someone. And clearly he just boned this friend, so…
MEL: He absolutely boned the friend and then palmed it off as “nothing” which is rude on like an infinite number of levels – insulting to the friend, insulting to Ali, insulting to dog parks bc they’re a pure and holy place. I’m already off that guy.
JOSIE: Yeah I do not care for him at all. Even Shaz only seemed mildly interested before getting distracted by the bar. My favourite bit was when Brooke turned up and Shannon didn’t recognise her after 2.5 daiquiris and screeched “VANESSA!”
MEL: Hahahaha fuck yes. Shannon was pissed within an hour and frankly it was a big mood. Do we think when Brooke said she’d been in contact with Honey Badger “a lot” and did that sly smile she meant like… physical contact? Like DICK CONTACT??
JOSIE: Like P in V contact! Definitely. Osh knew it, we know it. Meanwhile Osh was THIRSTY for that Honey Badger tea, he was basically clawing at Brooke’s phone to read the texts himself.
MEL: Seriously, Osh is like in debates with the producers about making his contract have a clause where he gets to know everything that happens with contestants after the series wraps, and is allowed to bug their phones if need be. Anyway, then it was Paddy who I honestly thought had worn a $2.99 Big W bargain bin Christmas onesie to make his grand entrance.
JOSIE: Who the fuck is this man? I’m glad I avoided Ali’s season so I spared my eyes from seeing him. He’s the exact kind of guy who makes me never want to go to any kind of popular bar on a Saturday after 5pm. Also he absolutely has the complexion that means he will be Jarrod levels of sunburnt by the second day in Fiji.
MEL: Shall we race through the rest? Cass: good to see her not being the despo levels she was on Bachie, James is HEAVEN he absolutely must find himself a lovely lady on this show…
JOSIE: Cass: will she actually blink this season? How much did I scream when I saw Cat‘s head? I adored the foreshadowing of LOOK THE VILLAIN IS COMING. And Unhinged Brittney provoked another scream from us. But I think maybe I just enjoyed her for the 3 seconds of airtime she had in Nick’s season, now I’m actually concerned for her. The woman is batshit.
MEL: Yeah at first I thought fuck yessss Unhinged Brittney is back, but she really is quite unhinged. Like maybe medically so. Also love how Cat was all “I don’t know why I’m here lol” while turning her torso ~just so~, making her stacks of personal jewellery glitter in the sun.
JOSIE: “I’m here because all jewellery is currently 20% off with the code DESPERADO20”
MEL: Seriously, will be shocked if she doesn’t start walking around with a discount code written on her forehead. Then it was Nathan, who I literally didn’t know existed, and fucking RACHAEL I’M 34 IS BACK. There was also a lap dancing American in there but WHO CARES IT’S RACHAEL I’M 34.
JOSIE: “HIIII I AM THIRTY FOUR!!!!!!” * eye twitch * In my mind Rachael I’m 34 never left and has just been hanging around the island annoying Wais for a full year.
MEL: Love how she immediately settled down to tell Bill about how 34 she is. Can she only talk about her age, real question. Meanwhile, Alicia is back and wants to fuck Paddy, which is a weird flex.
JOSIE: I’m sorry but I find that an unholy union. She seems like a private school type girl and he’s this root rat from down the pub who talks in the 3rd person. Maybe that’s the appeal? I’m not here to judge (but really I am, and I will). But let’s talk about what we all came here for: BROOKE’S BADGER TEA.
MEL: CHRIST ON A BIKE that was satisfying. I actually enjoyed it, I know some people might be all “ohhhh such an anti-climax” but it’s pretty wild that he fucking MUTED HIS MIC to tell her he wasn’t picking anyone at the end. Cass looked like she was going to vomit a lung up from PTSD, to be honest.
JOSIE: In my mind Cass was like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber going “So you’re TELLING me there’s a chance!”
But also can we take a moment to appreciate Alisha’s gripe that Nick “took two beautiful women to New Caledonia only to break their hearts”. NEW CALEDONIA MEL!
MEL: How dare he take two beautiful women to New Caledonia. HOW DARE HE. TAKE THEM TO BEAUTIFUL NEW CALEDONIA.
JOSIE: MEL. THE NERVE. OF HIM.
MEL: New request: pay Nick 5 million dollars to go on this godforsaken show. I need it. I need it like I need air.
JOSIE: I need it right in my heart and my brain and my lungs and my LOINS. GIVE ME THE EXTREME AWKWARDNESS OF HONEY BADGER ROCKING UP, PLEASE CHANNEL TEN. Seriously I will give him the $60 I managed to save from last week’s pay if that sweetens the deal.
MEL: So wild scenes: Shannon getting the date card and then basically Hunger Games-ing the entire male species to determine who she will take to dinner.
JOSIE: Poor Sweet Angel James don’t toy with him like this Sharon! Or Shannon! Or whatever the shit her name is! I really hated the way as soon as he was open about his feelings, her vagina retracted into her body. Like don’t come on a show “looking for love” if you’re going to be turned off by someone who is just being nice and honest?
MEL: Right?? I’m telling you Fiji is actually just hell-purgatory for people who aren’t emotionally available. But also lol James missed nothing, that dinner was literally an Aldi cheese platter on a Fantastic Furniture outdoor set for $19.99 only.
JOSIE: Their faces when they were watching the choir led me to believe there are maybe only four brain cells on this entire island and Shaz and Paddy share one of them.
MEL: I will give Shannon this though, “I’ve been hit by two buses” is great date conversation. 10/10. I can’t believe they kissed though, that turned me off all sexual interactions forever.
JOSIE: The kiss was so forced and gross and weird and then she was like “NUP BYE”. Like what was the point of any of that, just be nice and take James on the date. I smell PRODUCER TAMPERING! Bc Alisha liked him and they thought it would cause drama.
MEL: It was so fucking stupid. Then Paddy went back and started an almost-brawl with Bill because he is literally just a walking red flexing pec with a face.
JOSIE: Like what was that fight? All I caught was: “Brah bro nah man bruh stoked moron nahhh YOU SHUT UP!”
MEL: It literally turned into me and my sister circa 1999, “you shut up, no you shut up, no YOU shut up”.
JOSIE: Also is Bill actually just Grown Up Justin Bieber?
MEL: He absolutely is. Omg and then Richie showed up. I really miss Hot Heartbroken Richie With The Good Hair from Instagram but happy to see him back for another round of let’s-try-to-be-famous.
JOSIE: He looked genuinely gutted by everything that happened with Alex and Osher was delightfully insensitive, practically squealing “But what happenneddddddddddd” in poor stupid Richie’s beautiful face.
MEL: Osh is really just all of us if we were to set foot on this show, isn’t he.
JOSIE: He’s usually quite impartial but he is a spicy binch who lives for drama now, apparently. Meanwhile how was that tea that when Alex started dating Maegan Luxa — as Osh gleefully pointed out, a WOMAN — Richie found out on Instagram. I can’t cope!
MEL: That was soooo spicy! I love finding out their dirty laundry – Richie you do not understand we not only can handle it we are literally clawing through or TV sets for it you silly boy.
JOSIE: “I don’t think Australia is ready for the grubby details”. Doll, if the grubby details were a puddle of mud I would launch myself straight into and roll around joyfully. I live for the grubby details. Give me the grubby details.
MEL: Meanwhile something I was not ready for – seeing Nikki’s heart break on national television again. I never want to see that again why did you do that to us, Channel Ten.
JOSIE: Can they actually not, please. My eyes got all misty and my heart hurt. Like you said, I’m glad she’s found love again. Things I do want to see more of, Channel Ten: unedited scraps between exes. Tomorrow night’s Alex-Richie drama looks spicy as all hell.
MEL: Oh my godddd give me the deep dive into Alex and Richie’s relationship demise, I can’t fucking wait. BYO popcorn.