It’s time for us to farewell Fiji, it’s murky, sludgy waters and all of these ex-Bachie folks as we wipe our brains clean of them and replace that space with people from The Bachelor. Yep, it’s the Bachelor In Paradise 2020 finale.

As a special treat, I am joined by Josie Rozenberg-Clarke, my podcast co-host and recap second half! It’s like 2019 all over again!! For those who didn’t know, Josie and I used to do these together until she rudely had a baby and took a year off to care for it. Unbelievable levels of selfishness, wouldn’t you say? She’s lucky Rosa is cute and not one of those old fisherman looking babies. JOKING they’re cute too. I can’t stoop to the level of roasting babies on the internet.

Anyway! What happened in the finale, you ask? We’ll tell you.

JOSIE: I’m back babey and it feels so good to pick up RIGHT in the middle of a Kiki and Ciarran shitshow! My god what an absolute flaming garbage bin their relationship is? I really like Kiki and she made so much sense but why can’t she see that Ciarran is a just a red flag with a man bun on top?

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
his hair literally is full of secrets though

MEL: Josie I’m so excited you’re here with me I might eat my Coles magazine. Side note the lemon delicious recipe this month is primo – no this isn’t sponsored by Coles, if it was I’d be eating a lemon delicious with a side of money. The Kiki Ciarran shitshow is at peak level, isn’t it? I can’t believe she’s wasted this much time with him either. Honestly, he’s had like 17 chances at this point and STILL secrets come out of the woodwork.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
i can’t believe after 16 lies you dared to lie to me again

JOSIE: Imagine if this was sponsored by Coles, I’d honestly just ask for 8 generic Coles brand garlic breads and eat them one by one. What pissed me off about the entire exchange what he was rolling his eyes like she was crazy even though despite the large wine in her hand she was measured and eloquent and made total sense. Classic gaslighting behaviour of “you are crazy lady and I am not”. Can we give her a Pulitzer Prize for the line “just because you’re single doesn’t mean your humanity goes out the window”. Oooof.

MEL: She’s such a queen, I very much hope at some point post-show she threw all his ugly shirts into a gas BBQ and set them on fire once she realised what a tool he is. I also really adored Confused Glenn every time Ciarran said literally anything during the Boiz Booze-Up or whatever that faux Bucks party was. I feel like everyone is just ready to be 45,000 kms away from Ciarran at this point.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
*Wot*

JOSIE: Glenn honestly looked like he needed subtitles whenever Ciarran went on with that shit. Props to Glenn for putting up with these toxic hijinks for the show, you can tell it’s taken all his self control not to sacrifice Ciarran to the Fijian sludge and be done with it.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
*wot increases*

MEL: Same with Matt, how many times did Ciarran go “if I wanted to be with Renee I’d be with her”, I properly would have stabbed him in the hand with my daiquiri umbrella.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
i will play the long game and line up mini umbrellas on your plane seat bro

JOSIE: Even Julien who has watched like 1 and a quarter episodes and has never seen Matt in his life was in the kitchen shouting “Oh you absolute flog Ciarran!” Meanwhile at the girls catch up, every time Kiki was talking about giving Ciarran another chance and that he was sincere, Renee looked like she’d started drinking lemon juice instead of the house sparkling provided by Channel Ten. That would have been excruciating to sit through.

MEL: Also this from Alisha killed me.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
if you bring Ciarran to my birthday i’ll kill you

MEL: I feel like of anyone, Renee is counting every goddamn second left on that godforsaken island. I felt her frustration – she wanted Kiki to see Ciarran’s true colours once and for all, you know? Anyway I was stoked when Kiki and Ciarran walked out before the commitment ceremony. I couldn’t watch that go down! Nope!

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
maybe the 17th chance will stick

JOSIE: What about Ciarran talking about his own commitment ring! That was never going to happen! He doesn’t know the meaning! Fuck, he is actually such a demon. I am actually devo that he fucked Kiki over and that she didn’t have the last laugh in some way. Not that I’m surprised, but it sucks. She deserved more.

MEL: She totally did. So the first commitment ceremony we’re getting is Renee and Matt. Did you just die when she was telling Osher how she’s in love with him and he lost his damn mind? He truly just loves love so much he wants to squash it until it can’t breathe.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
it’s like he thinks he’s love Jesus, which is accurate coz HE IS

JOSIE: He is just the damn cutest! He’s genuinely so happy for them. He loves love! I am happy for them and all but Christ that was dull to watch. The most romantic bit they showcased was Matt going “You literally are amazing” hahahhaaa. I’m worried Matt has landed in his head one too many times doing Crusty Demons.

MEL: Lol he definitely wasn’t my number one crush in the slightest, but I also feel like I’d be stoked for Renee if she fell in love with the garden swing after what Ciarran put her through, I’m just obsessed with her being all smiley after weeks of watching Ciarran dry hump his way through Paradise.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
SHE DESERVES IT

JOSIE: Yeah, living well is the best revenge! She’s been classy as hell this entire time. I’m happy for her to meet someone who wasn’t shot into Fiji directly from Satan’s loins, to be honest.

MEL: I almost feel like she needed Ciarran to fuck off for her to really embrace her feelings for Matt too, you know? I actually deeply understood her weirdness about being cute and romantico in front of her ex. Even if your ex is literally an Orc from Lord Of The Rings soul-wise, it can still feel fucking weird to flaunt your love in front of them. I heard rumours Matt and Renee have already split which I hate, though.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
don’t DO IT TO US GUYS

JOSIE: Side note semi related to something I said earlier but Julien accidentally bought gluten free vegan garlic bread and I’d honestly rather kiss Jamie than eat it. Oh no! That’s sad. He said she FRIGGEN BLOWS MY MIND, so here’s me thinking that meant they were going to be together forever.

MEL: So next were Conor and Mary. I LOVE these two. I love how they complement each other, you know? She’s really outgoing and he’s this quiet nerd who laughs at everything she says, as it should be. Side note, it killed me when he was pulling out the commitment ring (DANIELE ring, from DANIELE did you know) and stared at it like Gollum.

JOSIE: Mel I’m just not sure who has sponsored the commitment rings this season because I haven’t seen the word DANIELE at all???

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
what does that say, is it Michael Hill

MEL: Nowhere! Never seen it in my life.

JOSIE: Why am I sitting here grinning (and maybe crying, okay fine definitely crying) like a damn fool over Connor and Mary!!? It’s so damn cute. What I love about them is that they’re normal people and clearly not here to end up spruiking those weird LED light masks on Instagram. I feel like they were both there for the right reason and they found it and it’s adorable. FRIGGEN ADORABLE as Matt might say. Also I can’t help laughing at the image of Connor taking Mary to meet his quiet serious suit wearing friends and her running in screaming and just being Mary. The best.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
go fuck shit up in the best way, Mary

MEL: Literally the best image, I hope they filmed everything and upload some amazing montage for us now it’s official. Side note, I’m watching with my friend Ash coz we’re on holidays together and she keeps looking over and going “are they seriously all giving each other promise rings” and “did that person just say journey twice in one sentence” in like, increasing exasperated tones.

JOSIE: Poor long suffering Ash. It’s okay, just one more sickeningly sweet commitment ceremony to go! I reckon Ash should play a quick drinking game where she gets to sip when we hear “journey”, “falling in love”, and drink the entire bottle when Alisha alludes to Jules, last year’s resident cave dwelling island orc.

MEL: We will all need an entire bottle for that, I wish we could just pretend he never existed and create an alternate reality where a hurricane swept just him and his hut out to sea, maybe to that island from Lost, even.

JOSIE: Somewhere poor Evangeline Lilley is huddled under his “umbrella of ambiguity”.

MEL: Obviously we’re biased because she’s our mate but is Alisha and Glenn’s romance not the cutest thing in the entire world and makes you believe in love again after the Ciarran fiasco?

JOSIE: YES. My face is KILLING me because Alisha and Greg/Glenn make me smile so much. After the experience with Jules who crawled out of a drain to disrespect her repeatedly on national television, she deserves a man who CRIES on tv because he loves her and treats her with the respect she deserves. Those times he stood up for her at the Bula Banquets was like porn to me because nothing is hotter than a partner who has your back. It’s just the greatest. Can we petition for a televised wedding officiated by Osher, please?

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
it’s either love or someone put onion mascara on him

MEL: I need a televised wedding from them, I would take that over the next two years of Bachie content. I just love how honest and vulnerable he is with her, it makes my heart burst. Also we had the Gollum shot AGAIN, dead.

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
my preciousssssss

JOSIE: I have run around finding all the available tissues in the house because I know their little spiels to one another are going to make me howl. And you’re right, it’s refreshing to see someone like Glenn after being forced to watch on as Ciarran try out for the Fuckboy Olympics in every episode.

MEL: That was just SO perfect wasn’t it? Just all ohhhh I love you no I love YOU, no YOU’RE perfect. And then the boyfriend/girlfriend bit at the end!?

BACHIE RECAP: Alisha & Glenn Sacrifice Ciarran To The Sea (We Wish)
aw babe you def ate green curry before this

JOSIE: Yes the boyfriend girlfriend bit was so cute because it was really genuine and a little awkward and relatable after those kind of rehearsed but heartfelt spiels. I’m just so happy for them! I’m like Osher right now! I love love!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on TwitterJosie Rozenberg-Clarke is the Head of Editorial at Pedestrian, and posts mainly about footy on Instagram.

Image: Network Ten