Does this week feel like it’s gone for 10,000 years? Do you feel like you’ve watched 4,546 hours of Bachelor In Paradise? Does time even exist in 2020? These are the questions I have been pondering over my tea and Tim Tams this evening. I’m very philosophical today. And by that I mean, I don’t really know what philosophical truly means. Which may be philosophy in and of itself. I’m also writing like I’m doing a Uni assignment, apparently. And therefore, with all of these factors and attitudes in mind, I will say…
Haha, I won’t do it to you!! Sorry. I just wanted to see if I could still write a full, extremely long sentence to basically say “Anyway”.
Bachie! We’re back again! Another 1.5 hours of people glaring over daiquiris and getting sunburnt!
We open with more naked Jamie, which I just don’t feel we asked for. In general I never really need to see any man’s pasty white butt. And Jamie has a good butt! I just don’t feel the need to see it!
He says he’s been in a bit of a funk so Keira’s volunteered to do his fake tan. Which is actually so adorable? And it looks pretty good in the end – the guys heap shit on him for being orange but I think most of them are just jealous ‘cos they’re so sunburnt, their skin is peeling off.
This guy, I think this was Moustachio but he cut his moustache off which is very rude to me specifically, because I can’t be fucked learning his name, is honestly… I mean, this is the thing right? The Bachie folks know how to do the fake acting “ohhh so here’s a question the producers want me to ask but I will deliver it in a somewhat natural fashion!” business. But Moustachio is like “SO GUYS!!! WE JUST HAD!!! A ROSE CEREMONY!!! WHAT HAPPENS NOOOOW???????????”
You know who else is a bit shit at the scripty bits, is our friend Greg.
He tells us there’s obviously new guys coming, which puts Niranga, Jamie and Moustachio in a small pickle since they’ve been friendship-rosing all over town.
Renee tells us she’s third-wheeling every couple in Paradise (mate, same but IRL) and that she really wants…. Matt from Angie’s season to come in.
WHOMST??
WHOMST IS MATT? I remember Matt less than I remember Greg tbh.
They keep talking about this Matt person like we’re all meant to remember who they are. They even use his surname (White) a few times, and I still have absolutely no recollection of a “Matt” from “Angie’s season”. I RECAPPED THAT SEASON! I KNOW EVERYTHING! I CAN PROBABLY TELL YOU HOW MANY HAIR EXTENSION PIECES ANGIE HAD IN HER HAIR!
Anyway, when she says “aaand, cue Matt” Jackson Garlick walks in, instead.
Both Cass and Littney are keen on him, and it literally takes Keira just saying “I think Jackson would appreciate a confident girl” for Littney to race over and whisk him off for a chat.
They have a chat, it’s fine. Then he chats with Cass, it’s also fine. All is fine and nothing is interesting. Then, miraculously (not) MR MYSTERIO MATT WHITE walks in, and I remember who the fuck he is!
He’s that guy!! Remember? He rides BMXes and that’s all I know. Anyway, he comes in, Renee runs over, they’re both excited to see each other, sparks fly etc. Ciarran is NOT happy. In fact he is two seconds away from a big baby tanty.
He tells us if Matt had any “bro code” he’d take Ciarran aside for a chat first. HWWWWAAAAAATTTT. Is this man high? Has the sun boiled his brain? He has literally gone for: Renee’s mate Cass. Some other mate of Renee’s. Renee’s mate Jess. IN FRONT OF HER. But now anyone who goes near his ex has to swing it by him first? Get absolutely fucked!
Also I swear this is a British thing because they’re obseeeessed with the concept of “chat with me first” on shows like Love Island and Geordie Shore. It’s all “if you just PULLED ME FOR A CHAT I wouldn’t even be mad that you had sex all over the house with my ex of two days!!!!” which is nonsensical. Like, you would probably be more upset if they came over and smuntily told you they were gonna go try one on your ex. Dating facts with Mel right here.
Of course, Matt picks Renee. Then he goes to chat to all the boys from his season… plus Keira, who he apparently doesn’t know!! Dead! Even she thinks it’s funny and is like “babe, I’m one of the OGs”.
Ciarran has exploded into his baby tanty now, and is telling everyone how pissed he is at Matt. Were we not ALL Greg and Alisha in this moment??
When Ciarran sarcastically is like “top mate” Alisha’s like “that’s alright, Jess was a top mate to Renee.” DEADDDDD.
Anyway, Renee and Matt go on their date, which involves tandem bike riding over the sludge in a tornado, I think.
But they are really, really cute. They obviously have a connection that’s been brewing outside of Paradise, and while I usually feel like that is a cop out (I came here to see randoms find love! Not people who are already in love find more love!!) I think they’re legit about it being friends-only pre Paradise.
Osher must have followed them home, maybe creepily tandem biking behind them but solo, because he walks in straight afterward to tell everyone there’s a Bula Bugatti tonight and the theme is “what’s good for the goose good for the gander”.
To make it explicitly clear that this is a Ciarran Pile-On 2.0, he phrases it as “why is bro code any different to girl code”.
On to the Bula Botswana. Ciarran, who I usually think look quite handsome in his glasses, is giving off some serious “I’ll chop you into pieces and feed you to the sharks” energy tonight with the whole glasses + death stare business.
The first question out of the secrets box is what does girl code/bro code mean. Mary sums it up perfectly with “I just think about how the other person would feel and if I would like that done to me” which is… basic human decency, but everyone else chimes in anyway with their own take, which is just that but shitter.
Then Ciarran mumbles something about integrity and Alisha is like:
The next question is to Matt, about whether he’d be pissed if Ciarran took HIS ex on a date. He’s like “I met this dude 3 months ago and also someone is your ex for a reason, bye.”
The chat moves on to who gave friendship roses vs. who gave romantic roses, Greg’s like “I have very strong feelings for Alisha” and Connor says the same about Mary. They’re all so fucking CUUUUUUUUUTE!
After dinner, Littney tells everyone she’s done with Jamie’s shit and he’s not getting a rose regardless of what happens with her and Jackson. GOOD. She goes for a chat with Jackson, while Jamie lies down and has a psychotherapist session with Brittany who is clearly just exhausted by his mental processes.
He delivers this creepy monologue about how Helena was “so soft” and other weird shit. Honestly it was a lot. I know he was wine drunk but I am so thankful I was not Brittany.
The next day, Jamie has suddenly developed an interest in Megan Marx. Who he has never spoken of before. The boys give him shit for it and he gets super defensive like it’s totally normal to suddenly pivot and announce your undying love for a woman who isn’t even in Paradise.
Also we’re going back to Niranga Watch because look at this SLICE OF HEAVEN:
The next thing we know, Scot (one T) walks in – he’s that other guy from Angie’s season. Is this just a big Angies-season reunion?
Ciarran goes to have a chat with him in what I originally thought was one of those wearable baby towels kids have, and I was like excuuuuse me where do I purchase my own adult-sized one of these thank you? But it’s just a robe.
The boys explain that Cass and Littney are the single girls, and Scot says he’s gonna chat to Littney. I still can’t get over the one t thing. Why? Why, parents-of-Scot? It’s not like it’s short for anything like Scotson. Or Scothler.
Anyway, Scotson goes up to Cass for a chat. They chat away until Jackson interrupts them because he’s planned something for Cass? Who I didn’t even know he really liked?
It turns out to be a sexual greasing up. Honestly, he uses so much oil she looks like a rotisserie chicken.
It’s all very sexual and Littney is naturally nervous about it. Then, it gets worse for her – Niranga gets a date!! Right before this, Cass shuts him down super publicly, saying there’s no romantic chance for them. So he picks Littney which is… not great.
As Littney explains, she’s always second best and chosen when people need her rose, which would make anyone feel pretty shit. Add in that she’s had sparks with Jackson, and it makes it worse. She feels like everyone’s ruining her chance at actual love, and I get it? It sucks. They treat her like this matey-mate who can get them out of rose ceremony binds and that’s shithouse.
Like Niranga deserves love too, you all know how supportive I am of the dude. But this was a mistake – he chose Britt because she’s the only other free rose right now, but actually he should have been a decent human and not encroached on what she has developing with Jackson! You know!
Anyway, we leave things with Britt in tears and approaching meltdown levels. Which I imagine is what tomorrow’s ep will be about! The 400th episode this week!
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.
