So obviously we’re back after the magnificent slice of drama pie that was Renee entering Paradise last night. The tastiest drama pie I ever did have, to be honest. I know some of you felt her secret was piss-weak but I thought it was so good? Like, Ciarran was our BACHIE GOLDEN BOY. People wanted him for The Bachelor. And now we find out he… legit just wanted to fuck off the whole Bachie process and go back to his ex? Absolute kissy fingers.
So the producers take us straight back into the fallout. Helena and Jake return from their date and are like, okay, did Oshie come in and tell everyone we’re now on gruel rations because the mood is TENSE.
Everyone fills them in, but it’s pretty obvious what’s going on because Renee is sobbing, Ciarran is schnitzelling himself in the sand out of grief, and Jess is basically licking his back like cats do as a sign of undying love or whatever.
Ciarran tells Jess he wants to leave. Jess is like, pls don’t because I really like you. Ciarran’s like, I really like you too. I’m like, you’ve known each other for 12 hours.
Renee meanwhile is having a d and m with her BFFLLLLL Cass.
She tells Cass about the Angie thing, and says she can’t even look at him after what he’s put her through. She’s clearly incredibly shaken up about it all – I feel like it’s almost morally fucked to have these two in the same place. Let’s sacrifice Ciarran at sea, shall we?
Renee also tells us to-camera that she reckons Ciarran will dump Jess like a hot potatey if someone else walked into Paradise that he had his eye on. Um, think we’ve seen that happen three times over already, in the space of A DAY.
Timm is also shaken up, but in his own Timm-ish way. He apologises to Brittany about being such a dick at the Bula Bonanza but she’s not really having a bar of it. Then he’s all “I’m leaving” and tells Glenn and Ciarran that he’s done. Glenn’s like:
When Jamie gets wind of Timm leaving he has a proper, 11/10 meltdown. Like, crying and begging Timm not to leave, telling him he came to Paradise because of him… look to be honest poor Jamie just seemed nervous about being left in Paradise without his good mate. I felt bad for him! He’s a weird unit but he’s a genuine one, you know?
Anyway, Timm is being gentle about it but he’s not having a bar of it. He is outta there. Jamie races over to tell Brittany who seems like, 50% concerned about it all and mainly just doesn’t want to get sand on the couch – she wipes her feet like 13 times before clambering on to console Jamie.
Big Sexy, meanwhile, has gone and told Ciarran and Jess he’s leaving. Brittany heads over and they go lie down in a demountable or whatever to talk it out – Timm eventually decides to sleep on it, after Brittany tells him how much she likes him. Guys, these two are CUTE as hell.
Things get chaotic – Jamie goes to find Timm and sees his bed is empty. He panics, packs his bags and WALKS OUT!!
Jamie literally legs it to the ROAD without his passport or phone, before a producers hunts him down and explains that actually, Timm is staying.
In the morning everyone’s like, fine?? They prep a huge barbeque and I am absolutely Cass in this scenario:
OKAY GUYS we need to talk about something real quick.
So long story short, I became friends with Alisha Aitken-Radburn last year, right? Like Alisha who was with Jules “umbrella of ambiguity” – anyway, late last year she suspiciously went to Bali for a VERY long time and I just figured it was some sort of Eat, Pray, Love thing but MORE RECENTLY I HAVE REALISED OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS BEEN A LIE FOR LIKE, SIX MONTHS.
I am very cranky with her but also there’s some sort of, if-you-speak-of-appearances-on-BIP-we-will-own-your-first-born type of contract they sign so it’s fine. I’M FINE. I DON’T FEEL BETRAYED AT ALL.
So yes, now I’ll go back to being impartial but will probably release my rage by doing unflattering screenshots of her eating. JK JK JK I KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS LOVE U.
Anyway, Alisha walks in and immediately she’s crouching in the bushes because she’s spotted Glenn, who apparently she knew of, which is surely a lie since the man got as much screen time on The Bachelorette as a studio pot plant.
They hug and she’s all ooooh he’s really tall and hot and sweaty (wot) etc. As soon as she meets everyone and sits down with the gals, she’s like – ok all I want to know is that no one’s with Glenn. Like hasn’t even touched her margy yet. Staking claims, getting names.
Mary’s like WELLLLLLLLLLL he’s HOT PROPERTY BITCH, I straight up thought she was over that shit but apparently not. Jess explains how he’s had a bit of a thing with Helena. But it seems like Glenn’s literally thrown all his other women into the sludgy ocean in about one second, because he’s looking at Alisha like she’s one large Donut King eclair.
Except before they can even have a chat, Oshie literally SPRINTS in screaming “ALISHAAAAA” and whisks her off with no explanation, leaving Glenn to cry into his Bundy and Coke.
Anyway, Osh tells Alisha she’s getting not one, but THREE dates. You know what she isn’t getting? A free lapdance from Jess who is like, really REALLY good at them.
So the three dates Alisha’s going on are actually three total randoms. Like, have never been on Bachie. This feels like cheating.
They’re Aggro Fade, Dudeface (middle) and Moustachio now. Even though they all have aggressive fades. I MAKE THE RULES HERE.
So she takes each of them for a chat but the whole time is like:
She tells us she’s just thinking about Glenn. Also I need to note that they’ve called these three the “cleanskins” for some goddamn reason and it is the worst nickname, so they’ll be Moustachio, Aggro Fade and Dudeface from here on out.
Back at Paradise everyone’s just chilling, Glenn’s shutting down Helena to her face, all normal things – when suddenly a HUMAN MAN IS SWIMMING IN FROM MOZAMBIQUE.
I literally googled “African countries by the ocean”.
After 4 billion light years of swimming, the half-dead lump of flesh makes it to land. It’s Alex from Angie’s season, and he looks GOOD. I might make my semi-shit-mate Alisha set me up, tbh.
It’s clear that while Alex shared Glenn’s lack of screen time, he made up for it by being CHIEF BROSEPH OF THE BROSEPH CLAN.
He’s also Ciarran’s ride or die, which is shitting Renee coz she was going to have a crack.
Then Alisha brings back the randoms. Everyone is losing their shit over them not having been on Bachie. It’s like they’ve literally never heard of this thing called Real Life where Other People exist who can also be flown to Fiji and plopped into Paradise!
Aggro Fade is keen on Britt 2 which is fun for her! She deserves to be treated like the mildly psychotic queen she is.
But someone who is not DTF is Jake, who is moaning all over Paradise about Meghan like a big sack of wet potatoes.
But he perks up a bit when he gets the chance to set up Alisha and Glenn, who choof off for a chat. It is like ALL on and they’re so cute??
Someone who does not find it cute is Helena who is regretting her decision to keep running away whenever Glenn approached her.
Glenn and Alisha chat away, and then at one point she calls him GREG. Deceased. Amazing. Phenomenal. Absolutely world class. He doesn’t even care, that’s how smitten he is with her.
The next day everyone is playing cricket in the rain, which seems like a horrible time for all involved. Cass at least has the decency to wear her trackie dacks. Do I…. like this woman now?
Next minute Mary’s careening in with a date card! It’s for Aggro Fade (Connor) and he picks – BRITT 2!
She is beside herself with glee and it’s so pure and wholesome. Can’t they just interview all eligible men in Australia and select a few for this woman? If only there were a TV SHOW WITH NO STAR THAT HAS THAT EXACT PREMISE FOR 2020.
Meanwhile Glenn drags Alisha into a car but in a good, non-murdery way – he’s taking her to another, better resort for something called a banana leaf massage, which seems to just involve greasing each other up like Willy on The Simpsons when he got in the air vents, then pashing.
It’s very sexual. Like VERY. SEXUAL.
That is, until they get baby-wrapped into a literal banana leaf.
They clearly have loads of chemistry but Alisha says she still needs to get to know him. Back at Paradise, Cass is getting a foot massage from Niranga which is like, every viewers dream right now since we’re all obsessed with Niranga.
But Sad Jake is off it. He’s suddenly decided he’s the Lord Mayor of Bachie Ethics and is tired of everyone faking love to get roses. Doll, that is literally the show. That’s it. That’s the show.
Back on Glenn and Alisha’s date, there is no end to the kissing. It is all kissing, all the time. I think they might have just walked back to Paradise kissing and sort of shuffling along the highway.
See? I’m not lying.
After watching them kiss for 50 years it’s suddenly night time, and everyone is prepping for a rose ceremony. The gals are choosing and there are about 40 men here, so a billion people are going home. This has been Maths Hour With Mel.
Britt 2 can’t choose between Jamie, who already has Big Sexy, and Aggro Fade who is the sweetest angel on Earth and actually likes her.
Cass and Niranga are clearly going to pick each other, but Jake hates it. HATES it. I don’t know when he became Morally Moralson but here we are, watching him essentially look more and more constipated at the rose ceremony as he tries to hold in his disgust at all these friendship roses.
I call this shot, the bit where he felt his moral bowels start to move!
Eventually he snaps and asks Osh if he can make a statement. He tells everyone they should be picking people for love/romance, not for friendship – that’s not the point of the show and it makes a MOCKERY of love like he experienced with Fair Sweet Meghan.
Mary is me watching this go down:
I like his point, it’s meant to be about romance not mates, but also like sorry, there have been a very tiny pool of men join the party so far – maybe some of these ladies just don’t HAVE anyone they like yet?? Huh?? Just let ’em pick a mate, jeez! Get cranky when it’s the final six or whatever and someone’s going to propose to a mate with a “mates ring”.
Anyway, he cannot stomach the situation and walks out, intent on finding Fair Wise Meghan and rekindling their love. I’m sure we’ll cop an Instagram post from him about that immediately after the ep ends!
Oh, Dudeface also leaves, but Moustachio stays! Mary picks Connor before Britt 2 can, so we’ll see what happens there tomorrow/next week/whenever this show is on next coz they have no rhyme nor reason with the days, do they?
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.
