‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Oh My God, Luke The Ottoman Came To Life For Real

Contributor: Melissa Mason, Josephine Rozenberg-Clarke

I don’t know how we’ve done it, but we all managed to watch not two but four Bachelor In Paradise episodes this week. Pat yourselves on the backs, everybody – it was a mammoth effort, especially for me (Josie, head of editorial at Pedestrian.TV) and my workmate Melissa (P.TV’s senior style editor). We’ve given up our very busy and important lives to recap these batshit antics for you four times over, so I dunno bout Mel but I am gonna kick back with a wine tonight and watch some telly. For a change. But in the meantime, here’s what we thought about the dramatic events of Episode 8.

JOSIE: Hi mate.

MEL: Mate, hello. I haven’t decided on my Uber Eats. And the show’s already started. This is hell.

JOSIE: Well, Julien fucked up the timing so hopefully I’ll be choking on my Massaman soon. So, they swept that Laurina leaving stuff under the rug pretty quickly.

MEL: Yep, done and dusted. I get that it’s not the kind of show to dwell on upsetting stuff, though. And maybe she hadn’t even decided if she wanted it publicised idk? Ewwww I hate Megan and Jake. She can do so much better.

JOSIE: Oh god, I knew Jake would ponce around wanting a Nobel Peace Prize for turning down that date with Elora. Jake Ellis — Patron Saint of Fuckboys.

MEL: He’s so fucking proud of himself for doing something just standard-level decent. The bar, it’s on the floor.

JOSIE: Can I just ask: who killed Bruce Springsteen and made Grant the boss? Like why is he getting so involved with Keira and Jarrod, it’s straight up NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. He’s so fucking self righteous. Mate you’re not the pope you kissed Leah and then threw her in the fkn ocean two mins later for Ali.

MEL: I’m telling you mate, he’s playing a strong game. That game is, “I am the nice mature guy but also if you look closely I’m starting shit left right and centre”. It’s key bc people will keep him on the island but also the producers will froth on the drama and hire him for the next godforsaken reality has-beens fest.

JOSIE: He’s such a shit-stirring demon. I agree with Eden: both Keira and Jarrod are Jatz crackers. They’re both mad so neither of them can be right in this situation.

MEL: Yep, it’s probably what’ll draw them together in the end. They’re so spicy. I love it.

JOSIE: Same. It’s compelling television, can they both win Logies please.

MEL: Give Keira the gold one.

JOSIE: OMG Michael just said he needs to be drunk to pash Keira lol. What I like about her is she rolls with punches like that.

MEL: Yep, she’s playing a good island game. I don’t know why I’ve suddenly become a cricket commentator except for Bachie but here we are. When Simone said she was scared to pick Jarrod – Yep I’d be scared of Keira too tbh. Coz that’s what she was really saying, she was terrified of Keira after 4 wines later in the evening.

JOSIE: When Simone picked Jarrod, I was like “oh shit his head is about to explode. Are the medics on standby? Also “Shit happens… do I look okay?” Fuck Keira is a vibe.

help me michael my bonce is gonna blow

MEL: Just quietly Fiji is not bringing the goods paradise wise. I mean it’s a beaut place in PEAK SEASON.

JOSIE: For Simone and Jarrod’s date it looked like a stormwater drain.

MEL: I feel like they’ve gone mid-monsoon or something and it’s like…. wow…. beautiful day with this grey, murky water and a few crabs around.

JOSIE: Totally, trying to make it zesty with this tropical music.

MEL: You’re not fooling us producers we can see the rain and the sludgy sand and the few sub-par tropical animals around. All the contestants do is sit on the grass and then sometimes float in some shithouse drain puddle.

JOSIE: OOH GOD, when Jarrod took his shirt off to do the paddleboard yoga. I wasn’t ready for that t shirt burn, I screamed.

MEL: Just quietly why would you ever do yoga on a paddle board. What benefit is that to you as opposed to just paddle boarding or just doing land yoga. Also do you reckon Jarrod had a boner when he had to do that pulling move with Simone and her face was in his crotch?

“ok fine i had this much of a stiffy”

JOSIE: He 100% would have at least had a semi. When Jarrod just said “erotic and sexual” I was in the bathroom vomiting. He kept looking right at her chest.

MEL: Tag yourself I’m Michael’s zesty grenadine cocktail.

JOSIE: I’m Keira’s Kayser Brazilian underwear. WOW MICHAEL’S SINGLET. I think it’s time for #FashionsInFiji.

MEL: Michael’s singlet was 100/10 from the young man’s department at Myer. The section for kids who are like pre-pubescent teens so they want to wear menswear but they’re too small for the actual menswear. For Michael, it means everything is skintight or covers one single nip.

JOSIE: It’s actually just revealing his entire torso. Sometimes I think, why not just be shirtless? Like why the pointless piece of fabric covering 1cm of skin?

Michael describes his style as “singlet with a chance of man-breast”

Also on the fashions front, do you think Osher gets annoyed when he has to put the suit on instead of the funky holiday shirts?

MEL: Yes I do, I think Osher gets upset about the days he can’t just release the zest in a Hawaiian shirt. And fair enough – we’ve said it before and we will say it again, the man has earned it over his time as Bachie host. He’s dealt with some sturdy pieces of cardboard and more than a few personalities that resemble beige couch stains.

Meanwhile, lol at Simone’s non waterproof mascara on the paddleboard date. Makeup all over her face. I’ve been there beb. But also you’re in Fiji and you’re swimming at least get falsies permanently put on your eyes before you get there like Nina did, no?

someone get this woman a makeup wipe for the love of god

Date-wise, Jarrod is trying to drink every cocktail Wais can possibly make. Did you check his blue one tonight? That was pure artificial colouring. If he doesn’t end up with hives I’ll be shocked.

JOSIE: Wais is running out of colourful liqueurs. He’s like “doll someone do a Dan Murphys run we are OUT”.

MEL: Wais is like “can’t you blokes just order a SuperDry?” Like when you go to a bar and everyone’s like ESPRESSO MARTINIIIIIS and then you ask the bartender for 8 espresso martinis and you see part of his soul die.

JOSIE: Hahaha that’s my life except with margs. Here’s a thought – why does Jarrod put everyone in a death grip when he kisses them. Ahhh because he is a serial killer, I forgot.

When Michael and Keira were talking it felt like a rom-com where two mismatched people are like “I don’t have anyone” “oh my god same” * drinking montage plays * “oh my god we slept together!”

MEL: 100%. Except a D-grade one where there’s no chemistry. Like one of those awful Christmas Netflix ones. Merry Kissmas, there you go. As a side note, PIZZA ARRIVED.

bigger than osher’s hair amirite

JOSIE: Oh fuck yes.

MEL: It’s the size of my entire torso.

JOSIE: Meanwhile will I ever see this fkn Massaman.  So my mate Al is psychic because at the start of this episode she predicted Lisa/Michael. And that was Michael’s SECRET PLOT. Mr. Expressionless and the Occasional Table. Who knew.

MEL: Look to me, that’s a good match tbqh.

JOSIE: His plan was an Ocean’s 11-level caper in terms of boldness. “I want to follow my heart and give a rose to this woman I’ve never spoken to”.

MEL: Yeah completely stupid but masterful. “I want to magically have Lisa fall in love with me by giving her a rose out of nowhere”.

JOSIE: Magnificent areas when the Beauty and the Beast furniture aka Luke and Lisa came to life for a conversation. You can tell the producers said “Oi Megan, go and randomly ask them this controversial question. And then fuck off and let them get weird”.

MEL: Absolutely. Luke was on fire tonight. Spicy, spicy ottoman! You go, ottoman furniture who never spoke prior to this moment! I loved it. Tbh I didn’t think what Luke said was THAT fucked? Like yeah – obviously if new people come in you want to get to know them. They’ve been “dating” for literal days, not 3 months with an exclusive chat and a mini-break under their belts. And he wasn’t even saying he WAS looking around? The whole thing – dumb.

JOSIE: I love Luke the spicy ottoman. The furniture is splintering.

MEL: The best bit was when Michael came over for his “chat” with Lisa and she did that not-at-all-subtle head flick glance to Luke and goes “Ploooooiiise excuse us!”. LOLOLOLOL.

JOSIE: My dinner eventually came, which Dinnerly claimed was “chicken Massaman curry”.

what fresh hell is this

MEL: That’s not Massaman. That is a casserole. You cannot tell me otherwise. I stress ate my entire pizza during the Michael/Lisa bit.

me RN

JOSIE: This “Massaman” is about as genuine as any relationship on Bachie. Hahaha at Michael’s intro line for his chat with Lisa btw. “HOW GOES IT WITH YOU LISE?”. WHAT AN OPENING LINE. I choked on my fake Massaman/seriously what the fuck was this meal?

MEL: He is so fucking awkward.

JOSIE: I gasped at her hinting to him to give her a rose, and actually literally choked on a potato.

MEL: Who knew the beigest humans in here would bring Le Spice tonight. Michael. Lisa. Luke.

Oooh, let’s talk about Jarrod being a big baby babyson in his behaviour re: Simone. He was talking so loudly to the dudes at the cocktail party. Like, absolutely on purpose to force Keira to listen.

JOSIE: He so is. I think Jarrod is secretly 15. STOP SAYING “EROTIC AND SEXUAL”.


JOSIE: SEX, GUYS. BOOBS. DATE. KISS. Seriously, I’m surprised he didn’t go and clumsily rub one out in the bushes.

MEL: The producer involvement was WAY too much when Keira first broke down at the cocktail party btw. Don’t overdo the UnREAL, guys.

JOSIE: Unless you’re gonna get MONEY DICK POWER tattooed on ya wrist, I’m not interested.

MEL: I like the bits of it but like not all the time guys come on. We need SOME element of fantasy land here where everyone is there for love and not Instagram followers and emotional breakdowns are because of broken hearts.

JOSIE: Okay so let’s unpack this Nina/Eden stuff. Because the first we saw of her she was telling Grant how much she wished Douche Daniel was still there? Is she playing Opposite Day WHAT IS THIS. DANIEL IS A DEMON.

MEL: Honestly why the fuck would you wish Daniel was anywhere except in some sort of deep underwater prison where he can be a fuckhead to only himself. I hate Nina, as I have said many, many times. And for no reason at all! I told you this show brings out the worst in me. But I was OFF that convo with Eden. Excuse the fuck me Eden mate, it’s 2018 you do not threaten to walk on a woman bc she won’t suck your D. Simple pimple. You don’t.

JOSIE: I was like “Eden looks good in that shirt” during their chat, thinking nice thoughts like the colours are zesty and suit him. And then…

MEL: And then he had to be a giant pissbaby fuckhead stupidface.

JOSIE: I can’t believe he said “I have certain needs”. Look how angry my cat was.

say “i have needs” again eden i fkn dare ya

MEL: Nope. Eden’s in the bin.

JOSIE: Recycling bin. He might come back? Side note. Controversial but as IF Nina wouldn’t have kissed Douche Daniel’s demon face off.

MEL: Yep as much as it is FOULLLLL that Eden even remotely went to the “I need you to fuck me on a camera-riddled island otherwise you’re dumped” bullshit, I do doubt Nina didn’t want to kiss til the series is over. That convo with Grant was 440% “I can’t wait to bone Daniel when I’m outta here”.

JOSIE: One million percent. Also, when the rose ceremony began I realised Sam had not spoken once this ep lol. Neither had American Jared. Too much drama elsewhere.

MEL: Hot contenders for new furniture to plop around the island? American Jared is sort of a zesty piece of furniture. He brings more to the show than say Luke and Lisa but not enough to be a real animated human. Maybe some floral curtains?

JOSIE: Yes he is. Or a lacy tablecloth. So that insane rose ceremony. MICHAEL’S SPEECH. I felt nauseous through that. And nervous through Eden’s.

MEL: Hoooooo boy I mean are we surprised Eden picked Elora? I think he knew Nina was playing him. NOT that he’s REMOTELY out of the recycling bin for what he said to her.

JOSIE: No. Not at all. Also, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again I don’t buy this Elora thing. The blokes get all het up over her accent, but I’m convinced she’s from Mudgee. And her name’s like, Midge Quinlan.


the old Elora can’t come to the phone right now. why? because she’s Midge

JOSIE: Michael looked like he was gonna up-chuck his many colourful cocktails during his speech.

MEL: I was expecting a nice blue vom. Maybe he did it when he ran off to the bushes with Jarrod? We’ll never know. Must remember to ask them once they’re out.

JOSIE: Also what the fuck was that intense music? I was so stressed, but it was so dramatic when I was he picked Lisa. I was frothing. She was frothing.

MEL: So fucking dramatic. “I’ve sold out. And I’m not doing it anymore”. Lol I’m sorry is this a proposal? Calm down. Then literally everyone was crying?


MEL: Also lol – “whatever bro code there was it’s gone” – Luke or someone loyal to Luke about Michael’s decision. LOLOLOLOL. Bro code. Dead. Mort. Rip me.

JOSIE: BRO CODE. Also – Michael running off and crying. Wowowowow.  WHAT WAS THAT BLAIR WITCH SHAKY CAM FOOTAGE.

MEL: I DOGGED MY MATE. Sorry for all these capitals everyone reading this but if you watched the ep you understand why we are just SCREAMING FOREVER.

JOSIE: I DOGGED MY MATE. One, is he your mate? Is he? Two, are we in high school? I’m seriously convinced these people are all aged 14-17 and have just aged badly.

MEL: And then Jarrod rushes out to the shrubbery with him, and was he throwing up? Oh, man. Great TV. Fantastic work.

JOSIE: Julien shouted laughing when Keira weighed in.

MEL: Wonderful stuff.

JOSIE: Lisa couldn’t have been more smug by the way. Then I was like “What is the Human Ottoman gonna doooo??” Because it was down to Nina and Keira.

MEL: The Human Ottoman had all the power. Who would have thought.

JOSIE: Mr. Fantastic Furniture. Thank god he picked Keira.

MEL: Ohhh it was kind of adorable when she broke down. I can’t tell if she’s faking all of it or if she’s genuinely emotional about Jarrod?

JOSIE: The good thing about Nina leaving? Finally her netball team can stop sending out frantic “we need a girl to fill in tonight” emails. Umm also – preview for next week., how is Eden suddenly the Harvey Weinstein of Fiji. Manipulating shit with Elora to try and get a hook up.

MEL: IDK, he was so close to being a jaunty wardrobe alongside Ottoman Luke and Occasional Table Lisa and suddenly he’s this sex pest? Meanwhile, I’m here for obsessive Elora over Apollo. DAMN that’s gonna be good.

Behind on our recaps? You can check out our last one HERE as you prepare for the hectic drama of next week. Enjoy, mates.