Is there anything worse than someone who whinges on ad nauseam, threatening to do something dramatic but then never fucking does? Answer: no. They are the worst type of human. Leah is Bachelor In Paradise‘s very own The Worst Human at the moment, and we (Mel, Senior Style Editor and Josie, Head of Editorial) have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS about it.
Meanwhile – Grant and Ali are concerningly in love after all of 5 days! Simone has sunburnt herself to a level even Jarrod cannot achieve! Eden is still fucking here HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN FED TO SHARKS!
You know what it is – a spicy, spicy recap chat.
MEL: Hello guess what I had for dinner. Half eaten cheese from my cousin’s fridge! I’m really enjoying watching Bachie with a gang. It’s my cousin, his wife and my sister again.
JOSIE: Well I am currently eating nothing, and here is my gang. I ordered a burger but it still hasn’t arrived.
MEL: Ugh, so the return of Thomas. My cousin Tim weighed in: “They were absolutely like ah shit we flew this guy from Canada we’ve gotta send him back in.” Gotta get their money’s worth, right?
JOSIE: I loved how Megan tried to skate around what really happened when she recounted it to Jake. “Oh yes we had an interesting deep chat in which our tongues were attached.”
MEL: Jake’s wax situation has hit an-all time high at the start of this ep.
JOSIE: He has clearly stress-texturised his hair.
MEL: He was also on ~Hypocrisy Island~ in this episode. HONEY. You dumped Flo like a hot piece of tin foiled shit as soon as you went out with Megan. So don’t be bitching when it then happens to you m8.
JOSIE: While he was whinging about Megan’s “betrayal” he was literally quoting Flo word for word from like, Episode 3. I wish Flo would appear, slap him, shout in Dutch and then storm off.
MEL: SAME. Send Flo back in. Just for a day.
JOSIE: Did you see the power squint he pulled while Megan was talking to him?
God, my eyes were watering when he was whinging about Megan / Thomas. I was in such a rage.
MEL: My sister Kate had a good point – why do they have to break up with each other? Why can’t they just be dating two people like on Bachie? In real life you could date both FFS.
JOSIE: Well it’s all about the roses. You can only give one. Also where did those girls appear from when Megan was crying?
MEL: Totally re: the roses but I suppose couldn’t she just date them both and then BAM! Surprise as to who gets the rose. There would be a lot of anxiety-related heart attacks, however. Meanwhile, loved when Megan was literally swamped with girls. A swarm of supportive women wanting some of the on camera attention.
JOSIE: 1000% hiding behind a bush and the producers are like “GO GO GO”.
MEL: “Release the WOMEN”. Meanwhile Tim stopped watching at that point and was instead buying Peter Jackson suits? During Bachie. The height of rudeness, at least buy boardies?
JOSIE: At least hit up Polo Ralph Lauren using the discount code JAKEELLIS25.
MEL: “Thomas definitely needs a Jake Ellis makeover he really has the worst fashion” – Kate. I want to add that Thomas has nailed the beach waves however. Best hair on the island.
JOSIE: His hair looks better than any of the girls, I’d be so off it if I was Simone.
MEL: I screamed when Megan finally told Jake about the Thomas kiss. AAAAH!!! The stress level was HIGH mate. But then it was like WHOA they just got back together???? What the actual human fuck, Megan.
JOSIE: Ughhh. Chuck them both in the Fiji sludge I’m over it.
MEL: I do love how this show throws these curve ball moments. Everyone I’m with reckons she got scared. Idk I feel like I’m a cynic but did she just decide to go for the Instagram friendly one.
JOSIE: Compared to her hot night-time pash with Thomas, Megan’s kiss with Jake was about as sexual as the sewerage water in the background.
MEL: Horrible fashion areas from Thomas during the break-up. That top looked like a Bonds singlet from 2007 that he found at the end of a festival in some muddy puddle.
JOSIE: He dresses like it’s laundry day. I feel sorry for Thomas, like he keeps getting rejected. I hope he’s getting paid well for this.
MEL: When Rachael was all “I had an AMAZING night with Jared” I was like hold up, did they fuck? I think she was hinting at le sex.
JOSIE: See I reckon she’s got female Jarrod vibes. Like “ooh he smiled at me and now we’re in love!” Meanwhile, Leah going on and on about leaving. Just go? It was so needlessly drawn out. I loved how Tara was barely concealing her boredom. “SAD TO SEE YOU GO LEAH BUT JUST FUCK OFF MATE”.
MEL: I fucking haaate a whinger who does nothing about the situation they’re whinging about. So for once and probably the only time, I’m on Team Simone, who was also not-very-subtly encouraging Leah to piss off.
JOSIE: When Grant took Ali aside I was like okay is this the moment he, as a demon, sacrifices her to Lucifer. Or, is he proposing?
MEL: And then he said “I love you”. WHAAAAAAT. Are they fucking seeeeeeeeerious?? Do they know what love is? I haven’t even seen those two share an interaction beyond an emotionless peck and the occasional lying on top of one another while staring blankly into the distance.
JOSIE: I still reckon it was some kind of evil hex on Ali.
The love confessions went from 0 to 100 real fast… #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/0a2RWZvVGJ
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 18, 2018
MEL: Next week – someone is found locked in a basement and Ali is spotted suspiciously mincing around their hut on CCTV.
JOSIE: There’s weird sacrificial altars everywhere and Ali and Grant are wearing long dark robes.
MEL: #FashionsOfFiji – Grant clearly stole Michael’s capris for the occasion.
JOSIE: Michael left a parting gift – “Please reveal your calves to the world”.
MEL: This bold look from Simone had be confused.
Cute top but why have you pulled it all the way up to your neck? It reminded me of this ICONIC Office scene.
Also tag yourself I’m Jarrod’s jaunty and sun protective straw hat.
JOSIE: ‘Cos her chest had gone more burgundy than Jarrod’s face. Was Megan wearing her swimmers at the rose ceremony? Real question.
MEL: Great fashion moment – Osher’s full suit. OOFT.
JOSIE: Pocket square and all.
MEL: Oh my god, not exactly #FashionsOfFiji but my cousin-in-law Alison just told me she found American Jared on the cover of a Mills & Boon LOOK:
Let’s zoom shall we:
JOSIE: I’m crying. It’s HIM.
MEL: She goes “it just came up in my goodreads email newsletter today”. Sweet Jared moonlighting as a shirtless romance novel model. Love it. Speaking of, I’m frothing Rachel and Jared. I think they’re cute as shit.
JOSIE: I think Rachael is weird. Sorry.
MEL: She’s absolutely a LITTLE Jarrod-level clinger but I also feel like coming in so late in the game would maybe make you a bit despo?
JOSIE: Julien made a good point – American Jared was not vibing her in the water, and she was still loving Apollo in last nights episode. Like how much are they cutting out of this show? Oh yeah by the way, I have friends now. Both cats and Julien have returned.
MEL: Julien’s got a point.
JOSIE: Back to tag yourself – I’m Rachael’s blatant cultural ignorance.
We remember our first Kava #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/k4oNSxvYvi
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 18, 2018
MEL: Omg when she seriously asked “have you used sanitiser?” SCREAMING. Rachael is the person on holidays who chooses to eat at Maccas night after night bc she’s convinced anything outside of that comfort zone is riddled with salmonella. Ahahahaha when she finally tried the kava? She straight up looked like she was going to do a strong projectile.
JOSIE: My mate Al just weighed in: “Dad got absolutely shit faced on kava when he went to Fiji for work once… woke up the next morning having exchanged shirts with a local apparently… can you imagine ????”
MEL: That is legendary behaviour.
JOSIE: I was hoping Rachael and American Jared would get into Bill Ferguson levels of kava drunkenness and swap clothing. Can we talk about Leah for an extended period of time – even the producer didn’t give a fuck when she was whinging about wanting to leave. NO ONE CARES.
MEL: The producers are all DONE with Leah’s shit. JUST GO.
JOSIE: She needs Lisa to come back and angrily pack her bag for her.
MEL: Seriously just go. Nothing worse than some negative drag just limping around saying “I haaate it heeeere omggg you guys”. It’s like when you have a mate who is always moaning on about their shithouse dick of a cheater boyfriend but never leaves them.
JOSIE: Or like when you’re out or at a party and someone’s tipsy and emotional like “I just wanna go I’ve had enough” but they’re just saying it for attention but you don’t care so you don’t buy into it. Like Michael, he just fucked off out of there without stomping around like a four year old.
MEL: When did she become my most annoying person in this place?
JOSIE: The insane convo with Simone with all that rose ceremony strategy – firstly, don’t you hate each other. Secondly, you’re making Simone the Snake look positively sane as shit. Like, why doesn’t Leah go hook up with Demon Eden? Surely he’s looking for his next victim.
MEL: Totally except also absolutely not Eden must die alone for what he did to Elora (you may have forgiven him but I HAVE NOT, Elora).
JOSIE: He will never die though. Because he’s a supernatural being. That is such a problematic relationship though. She accepted his rose? Smiling? Does this mean Elora and Eden are a thing?
MEL: God I hope she’s biding her time to nail a swift, solid kick in the balls on camera. “Elora saved the worst guy in the world so now he’s loyal to her, like a bad dog” – that was Kate’s take.
JOSIE: I think they are slowly turning everyone into their Demon Army.
MEL: Maybe this shows secret plot was to create a legion of demons.
JOSIE: Maybe it’s a sexy spinoff to Supernatural.
MEL: Meanwhile – “Go home already nobody cares”. Amazing areas from Keira, as always, re: Leah. I am so bored of Leah’s shit I have turned into a sea cucumber. A bowl of old leftover rice.
JOSIE: I’ve turned into the lukewarm dregs of a mango daiquiri.
MEL: A puddle of the grey sewerage ocean water.
JOSIE: A discarded oversized hoop earring on the floor of a bungalow.
MEL: Can we discuss how much I’m actually going to miss Sasha? She is so fucking great. Her hot takes were phenomenal.“I’m sick of her shit”. “She creates rubbish gossip around The Paradise”. Someone should have saved her. Huge mistake.
JOSIE: “The Paradise”. I love Sasha.
MEL: And when she was booted, in her exit interview? “I have a very limited amount of fucks to give to be honest”. AHAHAHAHAHA, SASHA! I WILL MISS YOU IMMENSELY.
JOSIE: You know who else was having none of Leah’s shit during the cocktail party and I LIVED for it? American Jared. The smack down – he can spot a Demon when he sees one.
MEL: American Jared, he’s grown on me. Enjoying his zesty development into a human being.
JOSIE: He really isn’t furniture anymore. The spell from the evil witch (Leah) has been reversed and he is free to be a human.
MEL: I love American Jared and Keira’s little BFF relationship. And I love Jarrod and Keira’s tag-team couples therapy.
JOSIE: They looked so grown up in their mature outfits. I almost forgot that four (4) episodes ago they were screaming over margs.
MEL: When Jarrod tried to help and she was like “No shush Jarrod you don’t even know what’s going on” – every girl to their oblivious boyfriend when they’re having a bitch and the bf tries to join the zest party. Pipe down and just look pretty, son.
When your friend tries to join the drama but you’re all like… #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/BEJM3PmbFf
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 18, 2018
JOSIE: I was also dying over Wais when he was about to offer a champers and was like “whoaaaa it’s Leah, I’m outta here”. She’s had those drunk flinty squint eyes on and Wais knew it was not the time.
MEL: Leah did not need any more liquid courage, nosiree.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Simone’s hopeless attempt at foundation on her chest.
MEL: Hahahaha shit. I’m Eden’s attempt at out-Fudge waxing Jake.
MEL: When Thomas picked Rachael, someone he has barely spoken to – why are you gunning for Demon #4? Thomas do NOT I am rooting for you mate.
JOSIE: I choked in advance on the burger I was still waiting on. LE GASP. Also, Keira my hero saying what we are all thinking when Leah accepted American Jared’s rose – “BOOOORING”. Keira = the real MVP.
😂😂😂 #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/guvOwpCh58
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 18, 2018
MEL: I literally yelled at the screen when Leah said she’s fucking leaving AGAIN in the promo for next week.
JOSIE: Hahaha so did I. I screamed “FUCK. OFF.”
MEL: Can’t wait to see Leah being a pissbaby and throwing away her undeserved opportunity to stick around in Fiji!
