If you and I share one redeeming quality, hopefully it’s that neither of us have devoted any more than a fleeting moment’s thought to the inexplicably popular events surrounding the sophomore outing of Channel Ten’s The Bachelor. That is, until this very moment in which we now find ourselves. I have bills to pay; what’s your excuse?

I’ll digress though, because even if you and I couldn’t care less about the once-televised exploits of a shirtless waiter and his annulled engagement (and I really cannot wait for you to share your ‘no fucks given’ image macros) this is a story worth sharing for its objective merit as a human interest story alone: 

The Bachelor’s eponymous scrub, Blake Garvey, lives at home with his mother in a double bedroom – a charming vitrine – solely reserved for the marrow-chilling display of his extensive Cabbage Patch Kid doll collection, and absolutely no hanky panky.

These allegations, which now occupy irretrievable space in your brain, come via the unimpeachable pillars of essential news and current affairs, Woman’s Day, who have on record the frankly terrifying observations of an anonymous former paramour – a flight attendant to whom Garvey once slipped His D [his telephone digits] mid-flight – who alleges that Garvey’s “bedroom has a spare bed covered with his collection [of Cabbage Patch Kids].” 

There are at least 20 dolls, all arranged neatly on the bed. I think it’s kinda creepy,” she continues, before dissecting his personality through a comprehensive analysis of his txt msgs and verging-on-sociopathic lack of emoji: 

He is sweet but very robotic; his texts were always matter-of-fact. ‘How has your day been? What did you do?’ There was never any emotion there. Sam mentioned nothing happened in the bedroom and I believe her.  He was never overly sexual and seemed very nervous about that department.” 

The flight attendant continues that she caught on to their mutual incompatibility when he told her he collected dolls, and even ventured as far as to show her his most recent acquisition. 

He said there were a few to collect and he wanted to get them all.” 

All of which amounts to the glaring conversational equivalent of this: