WELP, we knew The Bachelor Australia for 2018 was going to be a doozy given Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins was the guy in the suit with the roses, but hoo boy shit is really gonna be more wild than we expected, it seems.
The extreeeemely long (I can’t remember a time before I started watching that ep, you guys) premiere episode gave us a glimpse into future (AQUA SEX) episodes, introduced a bunch of strong contenders (Sophie, Brooke, hello) and some extremely excellent drama in the form of ~energy healer~ Cayla T and…. CASSIE.
[jwplayer jJoBfNnw]
Oofty, Cassie was extremely hard to watch at times (but also wonderful reality TV bullshit). Bc we literally just like the sound (type??) of our own voices, P.TV editor Josie and moi, style and features editor are here to debrief what the fuck we just watched.
JOSIE: Can I just say – OMG a new mansion, finally.
MEL: Can *I* just say – Oshie’s suit is CRISP. Nicely fitted, well done his rig and also to the style team.
JOSIE: Osh looks fkn TOIGHT. Wait I take it back – is it a whole new house or have they just redecorated yet again.
MEL: It does look like a lot of ivy concealing what is actually the same mansion.
JOSIE: When they intro’d HB with clips of footy, I was like “Here for the SPORTS”. You know I love sport. I’m also excited for all these insane moments – ] the ballet, the rock climbing, the woman straddling his face…
MEL: I’m excited for his hair getting burnt off on the hot air balloon adventure.
JOSIE: I’m already choking over the drama. Also his dad is my favourite character, I already know it.
MEL: Whoaaaa fuck that spa scene! Is this going to be light porn?
JOSIE: I wrote about it today. Keen for the aqua sex tbh.
MEL: SO MUCH AQUA SEX ALREADY.
JOSIE: It’s like he can’t get horny unless 70% submerged in water.
MEL: Hahahahaha seriously. All those sex shots involved some form of liquid.
JOSIE: I love the slow mo getting dressed in suit montage as well. Classic Bachie staple.
MEL: He looks so uncomfortable in a suit. Like he wants to be down to his reg grundies IMMEDIATELY. “When do I get to take off clothes and have a beer put in my hand”.
JOSIE: How did they get a shirt to fit around his huge neck. Also delightful Osh comes up to his knee. He looked genuinely nervous when the first girl was getting out of the car, hey.
MEL: First “oh my gourd” of the season Josie! Straight outta the gate.
JOSIE: OH MY GOOUUUURRRDDDD! Also I misread Shannon‘s job as “cat care consultant” and was jealous.
MEL: I have literally zero idea what a car care consultant would do. Tell people… what soap to use on their upholstery to remove spilt thai food stains? If so, pls call me Shannon. Also, first COOOL GIRL. Ugh.
JOSIE: She’s a CoOl GiRL.
MEL: “I’m a sexy skater painter who says shat my dacks”. I smell a FAKE. No one is that chill, with that many chill hobbies. Just sitting around being chill.
JOSIE: She’s secretly our first serial killer of the show.
MEL: She’s secretly like “I kiss my cat on the mouth every night and Facebook stalk the ex of my ex’s ex while drinking red wine from the bottle”.
JOSIE: Why are they talking like Cheryl and Dazza from 1980s suburbia. She is laughing at the worst jokes.
MEL: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA A LINE IN THE POND!!!
JOSIE: Doll she is shrieking more than us after 0.2 wines.
MEL: “I’m a bit of a weirdo I skate and stuff” uggghhhh. I’M A COOOOOL GIRL. Fuck right off, sorry.
JOSIE: She’s not though because she is shrrieeeekkkiiinggg. She played herself.
MEL: I sense we are going to get a lot of ~coooool girls~.
JOSIE: Cool girls are more like Laura from last season. Like “heyyyyyyy sup”.
MEL: OMG BROOKE COMING OUT WITH THE TWO FOOTBALLS Noooo why are there footys. OH GOD SHE’S SAID :”HOW GOOD’S FOOTY” Don’t. DO NOT. DOOOOO NOT.
JOSIE: OMG she’s an Indigenous woman, there finally is some diversity.
MEL: I’m still stuck on “how good’s footy”. SHE DID NOT INTRO WITH HOW GOOD’S FOOTY. JOSIE.
JOSIE: Wait what? She doesn’t know who he is??
MEL: BULLSHIT. BULL FKN SHIIIIIIIIIIIT. Even I know who he is.
JOSIE: And the Logie goes to…This chick.
MEL: Josie, I literally couldn’t tell you one (1) sport position in any footy thing. And I know who fkn honey badger is. I’m so insulted that she thought we’d buy that. Brooke is my most hated now.
JOSIE:They’re all saying they don’t know him though.
MEL: My take? All lying. But Brooke especially – surely if you’re into all the footies, whatever they may be, you know who this guy is. But moving along – oh no we have tiny weird packages being gifted all over the shop. Fuck can they all stop trying to be cool girls? Brittany over here with the “I’m HeRe FoR ThE BuFfEt” line.
JOSIE: Also – Port Macquarie what are the CHONCES!? And then “You can be my 50th country” – WHATTT that pickup line doesn’t make sense. What are you going to stick a flagpole into him, doll?
MEL: YESSS CAYLA T THE ENERGY HEALER. FUCK ME UP WITH YOUR AURA BULLSHIT BABEY!
JOSIE: Cayla – VIBE.
MEL: Huge mood.
JOSIE: She’s said OHMYGOOOURD 25 times already. And had a psychic prediction. I’m obsessed.
MEL: I hope we get lots of psychic predictions and feelings in her waters.
JOSIE: She has a huge hunk of rose quartz! She’s going to whack him over the head and drag him into her crystal cave.
MEL: As soon as she said rose quartz I knew you’d froth. She’s you if you didn’t have Julien and went on this show.
JOSIE: Hahaha she absolutely is.
MEL: The ~fashion music~ they used for Cat killed me.
JOSIE: She’s bolshy and confident.
MEL: She’s a lot though “WE ARE GOING TO GET ALONG” *stares him down until he agrees*.
JOSIE: I think it’s refreshing to see that rather than * screeching * OH MY GOUUURD I’M NERVOUS!”
MEL: Ah yep, we’re at the bit where it’s just a production line of nameless women giving the Bachie weird gifts so we can get to the good shit.
JOSIE: Did someone literally bring her own birthday cake? Is there anything sadder than that.
MEL: Hahahahahaha omg how did I miss that.
JOSIE: OOOH, it’s Cass – the chick who knows him! They’ve definitely bumped uglies.
MEL: Absolutely, they have fucked.
JOSIE: His P has been in her V. I’m loving this spicy prior knowledge. She’s bright red.
MEL: She literally looked like she was going to roll out the car door.
JOSIE: Cass, doll. Try not to vomit. She’s gone green. Oh here we go with old “I’M OUTDOORSY!” Sophie. So am I doll, I love a good beer garden. Meanwhile Cass hasn’t exhaled for 12 minutes. I’m concerned for her health at this point.
MEL: Same she looks on the brink of fainting.
JOSIE: Lol the stupid little present. She’s going to throw it in the garden. “What’s that?” “NOTHING WHAT??”. Omg his FACE! He became 80% mouth when he saw her.
MEL: This is actually so cute. Sort of. Maybe.
JOSIE: That is the face of someone who has seen her naked.
MEL: They’ve absolutely been naked. Dicks have been in mouths. Vaginas on tongues. It’s all happened.
JOSIE: Today he was telling Kyle and Jackie that he loves going down on women. “Strap the feed bag on”.
MEL: !!!!!
JOSIE: I slid clean off my desk chair. Ughhhh all these boring quick people you know they won’t win. I’m not even going to bother learning names.
MEL: Omg Juliana with the “This is the authentic me I’m a no shoes kind of girl”. I’m dead. MORT.
JOSIE: I’m Juliana, I don’t wear shoes or blink and I have tinea. Her feet must feel like sandpaper. Also I’m just waiting for the face straddler tbh.
MEL: Dasha The Russian is a moooood!
JOSIE: The music – I’m dying but also intrigued and horny. Is she an Austin powers character?
MEL: I’m scared of her and also turned on.
JOSIE: Same. Aaah it’s happened, she’s straddling his face!!! Binch same, but mentally. Bc I am not strong or flexible or confident. I am also Russian but only 1/4 on mums side.
MEL: Hahahahaha his reaction. WIOW. WEEEOW.
JOSIE: WEEOWWIEEEE.
MEL: If I did that I would have gotten a cramp and then fallen on my head. The ambulance would come. The show, over.
JOSIE: “Frank you dahlink”. I want to marry Dasha. TAKE ME DASHA. OMG who is this Sunshine cow?!?!!! Not thrilled? The moustache?!!!.It’s a CLIT TICKLER and he loves GOING DOWN ON YOU VANESSA SUNSHINE.
MEL: Her dress makes me vicariously itchy.
JOSIE: His bow tie is only crooked because some hot Russian chick just mounted his face so fkn pick up your game SUNSHINE. She’s a real piece of work. So many flinty smiles are incoming.
MEL: I love villains. Give me a villain over a COOOOOOOL GIRL any day.
JOSIE: Same. Lol at SUNSHINE schooling everyone on how to impress men. Dollface you are on a dating show. Fact – he will hate her but fact the producers will make him keep her around for 6 – 8 eps.
MEL: Absofuckinglutely.
JOSIE: Why is there always one chick who repeatedly screeches “I’M THIRTY!”
MEL: Omg yes. EVERY TIME. Also – Cassie is losing it from the pressure…
JOSIE: Cass’ head is straight up about to explode.
MEL: When Brittany was going on about their preschool romance and Cass jumps in all “You met him in PRESCHOOL lol move aside bitch” basically. Shit.
JOSIE: Sophie and Britt can tell that she has seen Nick’s penis. Erect and in her general vicinity. Not just like up the side of his gym shorts.
MEL: Hahahaha not a sneaky ball.
JOSIE: OMG CAT LOVES OSH I ship it. He’s all red.
MEL: Can this be a dual romance where Cat and Osh hit it off?
JOSIE: My eyes are watering.
MEL: Here. FOR. IT.
JOSIE: Fuck Nick’s romantic journey, I only care about Osher. Nick can host the show. Wait Osher has a wedding ring on…
MEL: Yeah actually I thought he might be married.
JOSIE: Dammit.
MEL: The dream – over.
JOSIE: MOVING THE FUCK ON – THE BACHELOR PAD.
MEL: No more white rose! Instead – the key to Nick’s bedroom. Wild.
JOSIE: They a jillion percent want to sex up this show.
MEL: They’re so hoping for actual bone town – population a threesome.
JOSIE: Cass is legit spiralling. Could anyone be more uncomfortable than Cass right now.
MEL: I feel like the more stressed she gets the more flicky her hair goes.
JOSIE: Her hair is full Carol Brady right now.
JOSIE: Wait did Soph sleep with Cat’s ex??
MEL: Nah I think it’s literally that her ex thought she was hot??? How is that an anything.
JOSIE: Omggggg. GASP. You were wrong!
MEL: She actually was dating himmmmm.
JOSIE: SOPHIE HAS A BF. Also yesss Cat with the flinty champagne sip with extended pinky. That’s such a boss move.
MEL: Tag yourself I’m Sophie’s blissful ignorance that she’s about to be ripped to pieces on camera.
JOSIE: I’m the poor girl from the ACT who’s been dragged into the drama.
MEL: Wait Sophie is a property valuer? What the fucking shit is a property valuer. Do you just walk into houses, wave your hand around and go “LOOKS GOOD TO ME, 4 million!”
JOSIE: LOL at her putting moves on Nick while he’s heavily invested in his toy boat.
MEL: Yeah he’s just intensely into his little toy. He just wants to PLAY WITH HIS TOY BOATIE SOPHIE, stop discussing feelings!
JOSIE: They seem to be connecting. They’ve talked for ages. Also she’s obsessed with water. SHE’S ONE OF THE AQUA SEX RECEIVERS. SHE GETS SOME AQUEOUS DICK!
MEL: But now she’s gonna get DESTROOOOOYED *metal voice* by Cat! Omg lol at Sophie’s “Why are we creating negative energy so soon” brush-off. She’s like “Why are you bringing up my shitttt bitch”.
JOSIE: Cat’s laugh was evil, like MWAHAHAHAHARRR! evil.
MEL: The evil laugh is amazing though.
JOSIE: Cat is so meeeeaaan (but I like it). I’m sorry but I do I love reality tv drama.
MEL: I mean this is what we are here for. The bullshit drama.
JOSIE: Right? Like yes I’m a feminist but yes I love bitchy mud slinging. Meanwhile this chick in the blue dress. She’s my mood. She’s like the narrator.
MEL: When she was telling us about Cassie’s slow descent into madness, following Nick around. “Heeeeres Cassie!”
JOSIE: I literally did not see her come in. Is she even part of the show. Does she even go here?
MEL: Brooke is such a wifey hey. Even though she LIEEEED ABOUT NOT KNOWING HIM IM SURE OF IT. She can’t be sporty and not know him.
JOSIE: But also she’s from WA so maybe… He’s not as famous there.
MEL: UGHHHH their jokes were the WORST. Not even so-bad-it’s-good dad jokes.
JOSIE: You know what annoys me about these shows. The EXCESSIVE SQUINTY EYED LAUGHTER over not funny things.
MEL: Hahahaha yes. Everyone calm TF downnn.
JOSIE: Oh god, the Cassie convo. So awkward.
MEL: He’s absolutely been on dates with her and not been into it.
JOSIE: And they fucked but he didn’t call her back.
MEL: AHSJFGFKSHFK “YOU’RE IN MY DIARY”.
JOSIE: Omg her vision diary.
MEL: I’m screaming. I actually did scream Josie. I did audibly scream.
JOSIE: He’s going to dive in the pool. She keeps skolling champagne without breaking eye contact.
MEL: I feel like she’s had one too many champers and someone evilly encouraged her to talk about the vision diary.
JOSIE: Oh shit.
MEL: She’s slagging off the other contestants. “Some are hectic” do not do thatttt! One way ticket to dumpsville babey!
JOSIE: I just gasped and can’t breathe. When she said she was gonna kiss him.
MEL: That whole bit was me at the end of every date where you’re like what is going to happen, are we going to kiss, idk, and then it gets too awkward so I go completely the other way and like, punch them on the shoulder all OK MATE BYE MATE SEE YA PAL.
JOSIE: I always just pashed guys. Fiend for it. GIVVUS YOUR FACE I’M GONNA SMEWCH IT. Oh fuck what is this drunk girl doing. Why is she taking her shoes off near the pool.
MEL: Never do anything different and out of the ordinary. NEVER DO IT.
JOSIE: Oh god.
MEL: He didn’t even seeeee. He WASN’T EVEN LOOKING.
JOSIE: “Like I get it… no I don’t really”. I’m laughing so much.
MEL: “No I don’t really” too good.
JOSIE: Cass is absolutely not getting the key. Sophie or Brooke for key. Can they just let themselves in at any given moment? Like when he’s on the toot?
MEL: Hahahaha. Imagine. “UHHH GIMME A MINUTE WILL YA?” Fuck he loves Brooke.
JOSIE: Oh my god this poor other girl like a shag on a rock when he went over to give Brooke the key. Rejected.
MEL: They’re so perfect together, they’re basically already married.
JOSIE: I like Brooke even though she lied to our faces. GET MARRIED AT THE AFL GRAND FINAL. Also is this episode 8 hours long. Omg Cass still slagging off the girls. Also “wacky and out there with her crystals” is the name of my memoir. Also is Cass going to murder Brooke in her sleep.
MEL: Wasn’t there a girl one season giving everyone muffins to “sabotage” them??? She is that but they’re muffins laced with cyanide.
JOSIE: * looks everywhere for rose quartz to clobber Brooke with *
MEL: I feel a bit bad for her.
JOSIE: Same. She’s that girl who got dick once and thought it was the same as feelings.
MEL: Ooooofff yessss fully. She’s right in that bit where you think the dick serotonin rush or endorphins or whatever the fuck equates to real love.
JOSIE: We’ve all been there. Omg Wet Kayla got picked.
JOSIE: Also YESSS BLUE DRESS! My favourite! Oh my god I shrieked when he picked Cassie. I thought he wasn’t going to do it.
MEL: Shit son, she is making this so weird. She’s acting like he just proposed and not like she’s one of 23 people he had a mild dick-twitch for at some point during the evening.
JOSIE: They hugged for a full 3 and a half mins. Oh god there’s still 400 roses I’m bored. Also what is with Vanessa’s thoughts being broadcast. Like we’re in What Women Want.
MEL: We didn’t even see the rejects. SAVAGE. I can’t wait for the next ep though – he’s so bloody in love with Brooke already. RIP everyone else on this show.
JOSIE: It’s like Sam and Sash, obvious from the get-go.
