Obviously, nothing is going to top the beautiful drama that was the dog cunt incident of last night’s Bachelor Australia episode, but here we are again folks.

Dog cunt was still very much part of the vibe tonight, but we also had a ridiculously cute Chelsie date (is she the winner or what) plus the most humiliating group date of all time! As always, Josie and I (Mel) are here to recap it for ya.

JOSIE: So of course it’s the aftermath of the dog cunt incident, and it’s pretty clear that for Matt, dog cunt isn’t over. He’s still staring pensively (yet handsomely) off into the distance as he wrestles with the fallout of maybe being called names by a girl.

If a dog cunt falls in the woods, does it make a sound?

MEL: I cannot believe how deeply Matt has been affected by the dog cunt incident. He is truly a broken man. But first! Let’s get everyone together and mass humiliate them with a bridal bouquet slingshot game! Honestly, at every wedding I’ve ever been to, I have hidden outside with the smokers while the MC screams “WHEREEEEE MY SINGLE LADIEEEES AT!” so to see 20 women hurl themselves at a bunch of flowers on national TV was a real deep hell I didn’t need to experience.

JOSIE: And don’t you love how Matt framed it as a) his plan to have Monique and Abbie on the same date (when it was definitely producer genius) and b) a great opportunity to have Monique prove her worth and keep an eye on her and Abbie? I’m sorry but forcing them to mud-fight to the death in a demeaning game of Catch The Bach Bouquet isn’t a normal mature way to sort this situation out.

FINISH HER

MEL: Hard agree – what the fuck was that? Also, hated how we were meant to like, judge Monique for not throwing her body weight into a mass of limbs to grab the bouquet? The woman was in a strapless white top and likely had NFI what this date was going to entail, I don’t at all judge her for staying on the outskirts.

JOSIE: And Abbie like pushes 6 girls out of the way to catch the first bouquet and says to camera: “SoMeHoW I caught the first bouquet HahAHahAHA”. The girl is way too intensely playing the game, in my opinion. I think if anything the challenge made her look worse than Monique.

MEL: Meanwhile back at Bachie Ranch, the remaining women are doing some sort of forced workout session.

“Why the fuck didn’t I sit on the bike like Helena, the fucking genius”

JOSIE: Omg what was that fitness session? The halfhearted tricep work from Mary was an absolute standout for me. Some great acting.

MEL: The half-hearted flopping about of her weight killed me, what a mood. Absolutely me at the gym. So they’re like blah blah Monique/Abbie dog cunt business, while the bouquet ladies settled in with some champers and… YouFoodz snacks?

The perfect fine wine accompaniment.

JOSIE: It’s a natural pairing. Wine and cheese, Chrissy and John, cheap sparkling and YouFoodz snacks.

MEL: So I honestly could not believe the humiliation these poor women were enduring could get worse… and then the top 5 bouquet-catchers walk out in full wedding regalia and stand under bridal arches.

love to dress up as problematic female cliches!

JOSIE: As much as I love Bachie, this was fucken pushing it. How embarrassing for these poor people. And I get so bored of that stereotype that all women want to get married and are like crazy bridezillas. Yawn. I did like the savage bouquet cutting though, because at the end of the day I’m a spicy binch that lives for drama. It was pretty telling that every girl in the challenge wanted Abbie to not get any alone time with Matt.

MEL: Abbie is very much shaping up to be the true villain of this season, isn’t she? When she said she wanted marriage and kids in 5 years and the rest of the women were like “WTF she said she never wants to get married or have kids” I was like…. gal, you are now clearly a fucken liar and manipulative douchelord.

JOSIE: She was openly saying “Hmm I can’t believe Monique is still here after what I told Matt.” Way to show your hand, love! Anyway, Abbie was knocked out and sweet Vakoo got the precious one on one time with Matt. Which… didn’t go well.

*laughs until soul leaves body*

MEL: Oh god. I looooooooove Vakoo. LOVE. Think she would genuinely be a bestie of mine in real life. But she’s heaps young, and it showed on their date. I get that giggling is v. much the by product of being nervous bc 150 cameras are up your nostrils, but it was really clear her and Matt were not a match.

JOSIE: Like I get giggling for a minute about the sheer weirdness of the whole situation but Vakoo literally couldn’t stop laughing and it made it hard for them to have a convo. And then she’s basically like “Well I’m not really looking to settle down, I really want to achieve more in my career and also travel.” Um doll why are you on a dating show then and not, like Shark Tank (RIP) or Amazing Race Australia? They just definitely seemed to not be on the same life page at all.

MEL: Not at ALL. I wasn’t surprised she didn’t get a rose but I did feel my heart split into pieces when she cried! Vakoo! He thinks you’re amazing you’re just not the right match for him romance or life-wise bb! I felt so bad for her, and wanted to give her a big hug and tell her to go get on Tinder and meet another sweet 20-something who doesn’t wanna settle into marriage yet either.

NO ONE MAKE THIS PERFECT ANGEL CRY

JOSIE: Just go have fun and life your life doll, you do not need a 30-something astrophysicist RN. So then it was the next morning and instead of Osher appearing out of the wall, Bachie Matt appeared out of nowhere to whisk Chelsie off to his house for a date. Abbie was not happy because Chelsie apparently has a sick rig and Abbie didn’t want Matt to see her in swimmers. Which to me is one of those private anxiety thoughts you don’t vocalise? Especially on national TV?

MEL: OMG totally, it was a super weird thing to say and also like mildly creepy??? What were you doing, furtively checking out everyone’s abs during shower hour (bc actually, hard same I am that level of insecure).

JOSIE: Abbie is gorgeous as well and frankly there are rigs everywhere on this show, so it was odd. Anyway when Chelsie got to Matt’s house they had a very normal date which consisted of them pouring flour over each others’ heads and smearing egg-filled batter on one another’s faces.

“let me just give you a mild eye infection here”

MEL: The whole thing was extremely cute, but also quite alarming – especially the sheer volume of eggs they were adding. No one needs – or wants – 12 eggs in anything, that is a fact. Unless it is a room-sized omelette, then we’re talking.

JOSIE: I have no idea what they were supposedly making but it didn’t matter because the logical next step was to wash all that food off themselves by going for a swim! Somewhere the contracted pool cleaner was groaning! But it meant we got to see that famous rig of Chelsie’s and honestly, Abbie wasn’t lying.

Chelsie and the ghost of Matt, dead from flour inhalation

MEL: I could not get past the mental image of chunks of eggy flour plopping by in that pool as they started making out. Imagine a lump of it gently resting on the small of your back mid-pash. Disgusting.

JOSIE: It was a cute date aside from the clogging of the pool pump with 12 eggs and 4 kilos of discarded self-raising flour. They definitely seem to be the most on the same page out of everyone, plus she’s TWENTY EIGHT! That’s basically his age! Just give her the final rose already and let’s get outta here!

MEL: Look, I have this weird belief that Kristen “China Researcher” is his one true love, based on literally nothing but a hunch – still, even I have to agree that Chelsie seems to be the best match so far for sweet Matt. She’s into her work but not to the point of it being her only focus, she’s ready to settle down with a partner, and she makes him laugh (and he makes her laugh). Big ticks all round.

JOSIE: You’re really stuck on this Kristen thing and I agree that she seems like a nice gal, and Channel Ten have so far only given her the weird China Obsession storyline for like 2 eps and we’ve literally not heard her speak for 2 weeks. Sad! So then it was time for the cocktail party and suddenly dog cunt drama was BACK, Mel. Monique was thinking about it, Abbie was thinking about it, and of course Matt was still torn up about it.

MEL: Oh man, I missed the dog cunt drama and I really welcomed it back after that too-cute romantic date, to be honest. I’m not here to watch this guy find LOVE! I’m here to watch all these people sabotage each other in really ridiculous ways! And sometimes, sabotage themselves! Which is exactly what happened, because Monique is, I’m sorry, a fucking idiot and should have just owned up to saying dog cunt. I hundo believe her (media) statement that she was channelling Trent from Punchy and just fucking around with Rachael, and wasn’t being serious. Don’t you reckon if she just said that to Matt and apologised he’d be over it?

JOSIE: I really do! Dammit Monique we were rooting for you, kind of! But she made herself look 1000 times worse by acting all vague about saying dog cunt and skirting around the apology, because it just made her look even less trustworthy. And because of THAT, Matt bloody booted her. Just like that. Not even in a rose ceremony, just a pass-agg squinty look and “I think you should go.” Fucken OUCH.

“who knew the phrase ‘dog cunt’ would play such a pivotal moment in my life”

MEL: That was some cold shit, I was a bit taken aback. I get it – she just kept lying, and I think he was just super frustrated with her absolute refusal to own her words. I get why she had to go, but I hate that he booted her in private like that bc Abbie was fucking CROWING internally, you just know she was.

the higher the eyebrows, the closer to believable this face is

JOSIE: Oh my god when he came back and told them all, there were genuine gasps and some actually upset people, and standing there at the back was Abbie just serving a Gold Logie-worthy performance. A perfect mixture of “shock” and “sadness”.

MEL: Abbie is hands down the Taylor Swift of this mansion, circa that year when she won some country award and was like ohhhmagaaawd I can’t belieeeeeve!

omgggggggggggg

JOSIE: Then to camera she was grinning like Cheshire Cat! Just spectacularly Mean Girls areas. Rose ceremony time and you and I actually couldn’t stop laughing over the weird way Matt says their names when he gives them a rose. Just staring into the void then plastering a gigantic smile on his face as he says “BRIANNA!”

MEL: It’s like he vacates his body for 6 seconds, then returns. Before EVERY rose announcement. Obsessed. Anyway, the usuals got through – then Abbie, to the dismay of Sogand who is OFF her completely, and you know what – same. My Hunch Fave Kristen makes it through… and we’re down to Vakoo and Sogand.

JOSIE: Sogand totally thought she was done for because of her friendship with Mon, but of course he’s going to keep the age appropriate person he had a nice date with rather than the young giggling gal who just wants to travel. Poor Vakoo, but also it made total sense. I will miss her though.

MEL: Same, she was a delight. Keen to see more Abbie drama go down next week – this is what I live for, Josie.

Love Josie and Mel? Then you simply must listen to their hit true crime / mystery podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour, right bloody now! Find it HERE

Image: Network Ten