2020, man. What a year. What a goddamn terrible year. What a goddamn terrible year poisoned even further with such a goddamn terrible BACHELOR IN THIS HOUSE.

I know in recap numero uno, I was Team Locky. The man seemed sexy! He has SHOULDERS! He had a FACE with NICE THINGS ON IT. He was all down-to-earth sexy boulder-lover vibes! The man would rather make out with a large rock face than hoon around in boat shoes and one of those “novelty” flamingo shorts suits! I hope.

But no. Locky betrayed us all by being a) the biggest slut the Bachelor franchise has ever seen and b) by making coronavirus happen so we all had to deal with Lockdown Bachie. Okay so the last bit wasn’t really his fault. But I will freely blame it on him anyway.

Look, the man is probably fine IRL. But was he Bachelor material? Probably not, no. Regardless, we are all here (I’m literally here with you in REAL TIME recapping this thing) watching the finale even though we’re almost sure Locky’s already fucked up his new relationship with whoever-it-is, because Bachelor fans don’t just GIVE UP, okay??? We don’t lie down and die on the battlefield of reality TV! We persevere. Let us persevere together, much like the Spartans at war with the Trojans after the horse thing. Just like that.

So firstly we’re in the bloody HUNTER VALLEY?? Really?? That’s the best we can do in COVID? Not Byron Bay? Some glorious outback homestead? Anything else besides the place every Sydney-sider goes every weekend?

wow…. what an exotic location.

Sure. Fine. Whatever. So we’re in the Hunter Valley, and of course Locky is galumphing over some rocks shirtless, his muscly boobies bobbling around.

I can’t tell you how much I wanted to get this man in some sort of muscle bra at this point. Didn’t you watch those Berlei ads as a kid you’ll TEAR SOMETHING

After all that galumphing around he starts banging on about how great Bella and Irena are, we cop the usual flashbacks. He’s extremely torn between them. Bella’s exciting!!! But Irena is his rock!!! I mean this is the guy who just wants to hurl himself off walls at all times, I’ll now be shocked if he doesn’t pick Bella.

He waits with the first actually GOOD cheese board we’ve copped this whole series for his mum, who is coming in to help him out with this whole mess.

honestly, why does HE get the good charcuterie

They can’t… hug? I don’t remember the bit of COVID where you can’t hug your mum after she’s flown in and presumably quarantined? Maybe this was when you didn’t have to quarantine or whatever.

god, heartwarming

In absolutely CHAOTIC producer areas, they’ve made Bella AND Irena meet Locky’s mum AT THE SAME TIME. They didn’t even know that’s how it was going down!! They look like they’ve got poo in their mouths!

i will put salmonella in your salami stack, bitch

Bella does most of the talking, while Irena totally shuts down. Eventually Locky’s mum whisks them away separately. She seems to like Bella more because she reckons Locky needs a woman who can pull him into line.

She literally says it about 40 times.

“sorry my son but you are a fuckwit”

Also can we discuss how fucking LIT Locky’s mum looks? I love a woman who enjoys a good garish scarf. And it matches her frames!! Fuck yeah, mum. This is my 60-year-old energy right here.

In the end she’s like “I dunno mate, you’re fucked”. She likes them both.

Next thing we know, Locky’s got Irena heading off on an off-road driving trip. She has worn this for the occasion:

I always wear my fashion military jacket and leather pants when traversing the wilderness

When Locky tells her they’re off-road driving she fakes maximum excitement. She basically gets a hard on about the idea of ruining her nice clothes in mud.

Fuck YES gonna return this hire outfit and not get my DEPOSIT BACK

The off-roading is HEAPS hectic, you guys. Like whoa.

LOOK OUT! WILD STUFF COMING THROUGH!

They just drive over a golf course pretty much until they reach some bog in the middle of nowhere, they lay around on some sort of World War II relic?

Looks comfy

He tells her his mum was worried she wouldn’t put him in his place enough, and she’s like “I AM SUPER BOSSY AND YELLY ALWAYS HAHA I WILL FUCK YOU UP IF YOU CROSS ME”. I guess it’s a weird time, right? Like she’s trying to convince this dude she loves to love her the most. This is why this show is so fucked up! Why do I love it so much though!!

After that heinous date they get in a super romantic, private hot tub.

you know what’s super self-esteem building, being filmed in your nudies while begging a man to love you

After a bit Irena starts crying. It’s actually heaps sad? She says she’s never the one who is happy at the end and she’s worried this whole thing is leading up to her just getting dumped again.

omg someone HUG HER, FUCK

But as we already knew, Locky then tells her he’s falling in love with her. Which would be super cute if… we didn’t know he was also gonna say that to Bella soon. UGH. Irena is all happy again because of course she is? She now thinks she’s got this in the bag, the poor woman.

Next up is Bella. Locky’s all “we have crazy chemistry but I can’t imagine the future for us” which to me does not sound super Love Forever 2000. More concerningly, he’s getting the tatt out.

Oh nonononono put it away friend

Of course, their date involves a helicopter. If there isn’t at least one helicopter in a Bachelor season, was it even Bachelor?

PHEW. The world makes sense again.

They whizz off to like, a few metres away or something. As they’re walking up a hill in the middle of nowhere, this ominous classical music starts playing and I’m like – wait is he just going to KILL one of them to sort out his decision dilemma?

wow what’s that grave-sized hole over there?

It turns out that their date involves sitting around watching a string quarter play ominous classical music. They say a lot of “holy shit” and “wow” when the very talented ladies do cool violiny things.

I can’t believe I’m playing for these plebs and not in Vienna

After all of this they sit down to chat and honestly, Locky didn’t seem super into the whole thing. Until he tells Bella that he’s been wearing his heart on his sleeve the whole time, and pulls up his sleeve to show her a TEXTA LOVE DECLARATION.

I SHIT YOU NOT. He literally wrote in texta (well, some random producer did) that he fell in love with Bella the night he met her.

YOU DOG CUNT

I’m sorry, do not TELL BOTH WOMEN YOU LOVE THEM SO EXPLICITLY. When I saw that in the promo, I thought he just like said it really tepidly. Not wrote on his fucking arm a declaration of love!! This is the height of fuckboy rudeness.

Anyway, they go off to dry hump in a pool, where Bella tells Locky she doesn’t care what they do as long as they’re together.

i don’t care if you make me birth our child at the top of Macchu Picchu Locky

This whole date was way more romantic and sexy, but as we know from past winners…. editing is God. Whatever the ending is, Bella hundo p thinks she’s got this in the bag after that date.

As we prep for this finale business, Locky tells us he hates being single and doesn’t want to “go to the clubs” anymore. What?? Who the fuck is meeting anyone in a club anymore?

Then we get plenty of thinking Locky. Thinking while holding a stick.

at least I have this stick

More thinking Locky in his hotel room, staring at the $25.95 cubic zirconia ring he’s going to give the winner.

nothing says I love you like donated jewellery!

He says he doesn’t want to do this – he loves both women. He then breaks down BIG time. Like full on sobbing, mummy save me I don’t want to be a big boy stuff.

Honestly men crying is a MOOD and lets not shame them for being emotional, but this whole thing doesn’t feel like emotions – it feels like a big man baby who can’t make a decision coz he’s not mature enough for an adult relationship!!! That’s my extremely educated take based simply off producer edits!

Anyway we cop the whole messy thing where both Bella AND Irena get out of the car, but it turns out it’s Bella who is first to see Locky. He again breaks down (this time I felt for him, he seemed genuinely cut up about breaking her heart).

He tells her the reason he’s dumping her is because, apparently, her saying in the pool that she “didn’t care where they were as long as they were together” meant she wasn’t… sure of their future? Wot?

Wow ok peak fuckboy achieved

Honestly guys I can’t. What is he TALKING about!!! What does that even mean! Bella, in excellent form, tries for two minutes to explain herself before just being like “can I leave now?”

SAME BELLA SAME.

She marches back to the car and leaves, saying Locky couldn’t have loved her because he would want to be with her if that was the case. Honestly beb I feel like you dodged a bullet if a guy thinks you saying you’d be chill going wherever as long as he was there too means you’re not committed enough.

Honestly I was like, is this guy just not going to pick ANYONE at this point? But then Irena walks in wearing the better dress and with the wifey music and I’m like, ah ok.

Locky does this whole speech where he implies she’s getting dumped (WHY DO THEY DO THAT) and Irena’s like:

cool I’ll just go fuck myself then

But then he reveals that he’s in love with her, she’s perfect, she grounds him, etc etc. They kiss, all is well, love is real. I mean, until Irena watches back that love declaration in texta business and dumps this guy’s ass.

Until Bachelorette, friends!

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer who hopes the next Bachie isn’t a fuckboy like the last three have been. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter