Want To Go On The Bachelor? The 11-Page Application Form Demands Your Fuck List In Full

Have you ever wanted to apply for The Bachelor? Well, you’re in luck because applications are now open and hoo boy, prepare yourself for a fucking therapy session.

On account of the fact that I’m single, bored and would sell my soul for the opportunity to start promoting teeth whitening kits on Instagram, I thought I’d at least take a squiz at the Bachie application. But as I quickly came to discover, the producers want to know *every* skeleton in your closet before they even consider letting you on the show.

It starts out with simple questions like your weight, height and dress and shoe size. Sure, those sorts of questions can be daunting, but they’re expect.

Next, they ask you the dreaded question that begins any job interview: so, tell me about yourself.

But if you thought *that* was too much, hold onto your butts because it’s only downhill from here.

Page 2 of the 11-page questionnaire sounds like my last therapy session, if I’m honest.

What makes you happy & sad?

When did you last cry and why?

What is your worst feature?

Next up they grill you on your friends and family, which still feels far more aggressive than you’d think.

What do people find irritating about you?

What was the one thing your parents taught you about love?

But it’s the relationship page that is the real dumpster fire of this questionnaire. Brace yourselves…

How many sexual partners have you had? Male? Female?

I don’t know about you but I don’t keep a list. And even if I did, why the heck is it the producers business?

Have you ever been in love? If not, why do you think this is the case?

Well, I don’t know? Maybe I’m annoying and talk too much about how much I love dinosaurs. How about you tell me why nobody loves me, huh?

The absolute kicker is the final question on relationships, which straight-up asks you to reveal any skeletons in your closet.

Do you have skeletons in your closet, e.g. jilted lovers, sex tapes, sexually explicit photos of you that have been distributed or disseminated without your permission?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you lie to The Bachelor producers, but personally I would rather eat my own foot than tell them about my secret sex tapes or jilted lovers. Imagine *that* coming up in conversation at a cocktail party, yikes.

Although this questionnaire sounded like a trip to my psychologist, it most certainly was not as therapeutic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to give her a call and unpack everything I am feeling.

If you’re interested in applying for The Bachelor 2021, you can sign up here.