One of my favourite parts of The Bachelor is pre-show. When you’re slowly given the cast, you know nothing about them save for some moments in a trailer, and you just judge away blindly.
By mid-season it becomes clear who is a frontrunner and who is dead in the water, but at the beginning you have NOTHING to go off, save for their faces and whatever the producers made them wear for the red carpet.
This can be telling. For example, I cannot remember a time when someone who had a monstrous gimmick made it to the end. Anyone who has been hoiked into a cleavage-heavy/sexy as hell gown is absolutely going to be portrayed as the mysterious sex monster who draws Locky’s eye from his one true love. Not saying I agree with it just saying we all know this is how it works!!!
But mainly I like to look at the outfits and have the sight of them make me itchy. As a long-time dermatitis sufferer, I would be walking the red carpet a blotchy, irritable mess, only to lie down with a 180mg Telfast while a producer coats me in Alpha Keri. Hey, this could be my gimmick!!!
Right now we’ve got seven Bachelor hopefuls, but Im sure we’ll be treated to more sneak peeks in future. I’m refusing to read their bios because this is a judgement based purely on the dresses! Nothing else!
1. Bella
I can barely see this dress but what I can see screams “princess wifey 2000”. Shimmery, a nice neutral nude, soft waves – this all says they’re angling Bella to be a frontrunner to me. It’s like eye-catching enough to force Locky to focus and not stare into the distance paralysed with fear, but demure enough to play strongly into the “I am a lowly, sweet, sexy nanny who will gently place a cold compress on your forehead when you have the Man Flu.”
That being said, the material looks very unbreathable. I’m gonna go out on a limb and call 100% Polyester on this bad boy. Anyone with dermatitis knows polyester is the devil and must be avoided at all costs.
2. Nicole
This dress is amazing, but it’s also like a guillotine to the neck in the world of The Bachelor. Sorry! It’s true! This screams “big gimmick” to me, like she’s going to come in salsa dancing around Locky in a tight circle and then corral him into a corner with her little salsa kicks, before breathing in his face and saying “THIS IS CALLED THE RRRRRRRUMBA”.
It also looks like my worst nightmare. I’m envisioning the underneath layer to be thin, with lots of feather points stabbing me in private areas.
3. Areeba
This dress is bordering strongly on Sex Monster – it’s spangly, fitted and strappy. It’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but we’re talking about Bachelor world, friends!
It’s also WALL TO WALL SEQUINS, a horrorshow for my dermatitis. 0/10 would wear this without crying.
4. Laura
Laura is definitely getting the Sex Monster edit here, she basically looks like a nude mermaid stuck in a shark net. It would be refreshing if she got to be a Sex Monster But In A Good Way, but this show never does that. See: Abbie Chatfield Dumped On A Rock Edit, 2019.
Also that is entirely glitter netting, just looking at it is flaring up my elbow creases.
5. Irena
A lovely dress! Doesn’t even look that itchy! But I feel they’re giving Irena some Big Mum Energy with that overly blown-out hairstyle, don’t you feel? This does not bode well for her against the sex monsters and the hot nanny.
6. Steph
Steph has clearly been given the SHEIN two-piece set that arrived looking far cheaper than it did online. It’s not putting her in Sex Monster category, but it’s also not putting her in Hot Nanny category, either.
She’s kind of sitting in the middle which means she could fall either way – she will either make a ~connection~ with Locky at a later date by, I predict, leaping off a cliff edge with a secret parachute on her back and then clambering back up cackling with joy, proving to him that she will walk forward with him into the horizon, prepared at all times to leap off cliff edges.
Or she will call someone a dog c*nt and be swiftly booted.
Back to the outfit – any outfit that looks like that is going to be made of some questionable material that, when you google it, comes up with “carcinogenic” queries from forums.
7. Penguin
I’m not even going to bother looking up her name, this woman has allowed the producers to crush her hopes like a bug. No one is winning in a penguin suit, and I would already be dead due to scratching my entire top layer of skin off and crumpling into the suit, bleeding my way to Hades.
