A blog author known as “Lucky Shirt” has penned a magnificent letter to an incompetent burrito maker bemoaning the all-too-common burrito-crafting faux pas in which the ingredients are layered lengthwise instead of widthwise. When this balls up is committed you invariably end up chugging a mouthful of sour cream – an undeniably delicious condiment when combined with other flavours but not a sauce to be consumed solo – or you cop the central ingredient (chicken, pulled pork, etc) in the first bite and you’re essentially left with a salad sandwich for the other 80% of the burt. Ugh it’s the worst.
In his acutely observed blog post, Lucky Shirt does a fine (if slightly rage-excessive) job representing all others who’ve experienced this not-as-delicious-as-it-should-have-been First World Problem:
“Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
“Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.”