‘Australia’s Next Top Model’ Episode 05: Live Blog [Makeover Edition]

Previously on Australia’s Next Top Mole, our uncouth ladies were schooled in the art of not being so socially inept; a make believe red carpet was unfurled to test each girls’ grace face under pressure, with three lucky ladettes scoring a paid gig in a TVC alongside Rachael Finch; and a Mad Men-themed photo shoot sent the affable Rhiannon running back to Brisvegas.

Slither into your finest onesie, do something weird with your right hand and place your left on your hip (because that’s a popular pose) and let’s awkward lean in and live blog the fifth episode of Australia’s Next Top Model #together.

7:32pm: “I’m not really fazed… I never really spoke to [Rhiannon] so I just don’t care really” says Ashley, kicking tonight’s pageant off on an unapologetically blunt note. En route to Fashion Destination Number One, the girls receive a car conference call “Jen Mail” peppered with very subtle clues like ‘a walk in the park’, ‘bitten off more than you can chew’ ‘see ya later alligators’. We pull up at the Australian Reptile Park where we, via our proxy Abbie, we have “no idea what’s in store for us.”

7:34pm: The first phase of today’s lesson involves Didier Cohen feeding a new character on the show: Elvis The 550kg Crocodile – a hunk of Rhiannon, probably. This week’s theme is ‘Facing Your Fears’ so naturally out come two buckets of crickets or maggots or something grotsky, in which are hidden six coins – just like Couture Fashion Week. It’s a relay challenge combining the best elements of ANTM with Fear Factor. It’s Fierce Factor, if you will, except there’s only so much screaming you can take and no one is literally eating shit this week, which is a great loss.

7:39pm: The next challenge involves kissing a bb crocodile whose mouth is literally sticky taped shut. There’s zero risk, zero reward involved in this here lesson, leading the girls to up the drama stakes by declaring it Shanali’s first kiss. Poor girl’s next to-camera address has her wiping away tears, declaring “it’s just embarrassing, I don’t know, I just didn’t want it on TV”. Following that, the girls are subject to a snake called “Fluffy” lying on their legs – terrifying but also stylish.

7:40pm: You know what else is terrifying and also stylish? Makeovers: the second most anticipated point in the competition, spelling certain drama, inevitable tears and lives that will be changed forever. That’s coming up next.

7:44pm: Before the entire world is changed by a cut and colour, Brook and Dajana Agron partake in a mock same-sex union presided over by Abbie in her natural state, which is ‘hysterics’.

7:48pm: At a salon with blacked out mirrors, out steps Charlotte Dawson’s Creek brandishing a pair of novelty scissors. She’s joined soon after by the head honcho from Trés Semme, who tells Duckie she’s getting a buzz cut. Mr. Semme also tells Brooke she’s getting something called “Paris runway chocolate brown” [also known as ‘Regular brown’] before telling the rest of the girls they’re going to need to pipe down because it’s just hair and they need to be trés professional.

7:50pm: Poor Shanali. If being dubbed the Never Been Kissed Gal wasn’t bad enough, her makeover involves her “being threaded” which is something I’ve just had to Google. Basically threading uses cotton string to pull individual hairs out of your face. Naturally, having the process completed on TV has Shanali in tears again. Naturally, the camera lingers because it wouldn’t be a makeover without pain on so many levels.

7:54pm: Instead of looking in the mirror – the traditional ‘reveal’ process for makeovers and looking at oneself – the girls are heading next door where “a catwalk and a room full of industry experts, fashion media and some VIPs” await, including people from prize affiliates Harper’s Bazaar and IMG Models.

7:55pm: If bangs and a blow out weren’t #amaze enough, members of each girl’s family are hiding backstage. The episode has taken a turn for The Swan.

NOTE: I will update will all before and after makeover pics tomorrow. Mainly because no one will stop me. Here you go!

Brook takes her look from blonde netballer to Rachel Leigh Cook lookalike with a brunette chop.

Abbie Jade got similar treatment, losing the blonde and scoring some messy bangs. Did someone say sultry? This is probably my favourite makeover.

April was given a super pleasing boyish crop:

Ashley has gone a little shorter and a little redder with the hair but mostly looks the same.

The short choppier cut kind of cements my opinion that Dajana won’t be a top model but could maybe do swim.

Duckie gets the four blade all over and a cotton candy dye job. I’m quite into it.

Madeline. Colour boost and cut. Next?

Melissa‘s high-fashawn features are amplified with some lighter colouring.

Shanali, post insanely painful and slightly humiliating facial hair removal, gleams beardlessly. Good on you Shanali. Trust me, we all removed facial hair to great rewards at some stage in our lives.

Straightening, smoothening (is that even a word?) and colour control for Shannon.

Taylah got blonde highlights. Looks uncannily similar to my friend (hi Teanne! Look, it’s pseudo-you!)

Jade Abbie went a little blonder, looks kinda the same.

8:03pm: Today’s photo shoot is taking place al fresco in Hyde Park, and the 90s Calvin Klein “vintage lingerie” theme is ‘Nothing to hide’! A+ pun game you guys! Harold David will shoot the girls (with a camera, not bb gun) and Sunglass Head will shoot zingers off the cuff.

8:10pm: So far Sunglass Head has called the first two girls Jade and Taylah “underwhelming in real life” and “not incredibly photogenic” but still managed to compliment them without decimating their chances, hopes and dreams completely. That’s an art form.

8:13pm: Melissa receives a glowing compliment when Harold says she’s the only girl he’d shoot for editorial. I’d put money on Melissa being in this year’s Top 3 – my other preliminary guesses being Shanali and Abbie as early frontrunners.

8:15pm: April, whose appeal has been boosted considerably by her choppy pob, is described by Sunglass Head as “painful for me to watch” and like “a startled rabbit.” Good one, Pez! It’s nice to see Shanali succeeding; it’s also nice to see a cocky Ashley get taken down a peg by Perry.

8:20pm: I’m not 100% sure, but it sounds like the girls just walked into panel to the theme song from ‘Requiem For A Dream’. Cue this face :S

8:21pm: The biggest takeaway from panel thus far is that Melissa is the best, followed soon after by Duckie, Shanali and Jade. The rest of the girls fail to fully deliver on the required Kate Moss in a slip vibes but all coast through on their genetically superior laurels.

8:26pm: As predicted [in my mind], April and Brook make up this week’s bottom two, and after a “close deliberation” it’s decided that both girls will be leaving the competition in a brutal double elimination. Dajana Agron is devastated, her fake marriage having been unceremoniously annulled by that truth bomb.

8:31pm: After the shock of the dual shafting, both girls dot their I’s with hearts and these faces =D, impart the usual sentiments and return home after their close encounter with Fashion. And all they got were these lousy Paris runway chocolate brown t-shirts.

8:33pm: Alright, I need a vase of wine to recover from that climactic episode, but tomorrow let’s take a closer look (meaning: actual pictures) for all the makeovers. We’ll also be catching up with the eliminated duo April and Brook for a pow wow. Tune in then and also next week for the live blog. Okay have I mentioned all opportunities for cross promotion? I think so. Goodnight!