Australia’s Next Top Model: Episode 02 Live Blog

When we last left Australia’s next top Australia’s Next Top Model live blog, 15 young women whose aspiration is to be professionally good looking for a 6-8 year time period were on the verge of taking the “trip of a lifetime” to Thailand. Join us here and on FOX8 from 7:30pm [after the Shepard Fairey episode of The Simpsons] as we take part in Fashion’s favourite folie à deux, Episode 02 of the ANTMLB.
7:32pm: Episode two kicks off with the excited fresh faced beauties arriving at the airport and coming to terms with what that actually means. “My legs were on the ceiling,” Dajana says. “This is the first time I’ve ever been out of Australia,” Madeline admits. It’s all very exciting for them, compounded by the fact that it appears that no one else is on their airplane, which I guess is a perk of being a model which no one ever really talks about? One plane taking off transition later we’re on the v. exotic streets of Bangkok where the girls’ possum eyed bewilderment at their new surroundings is best summed up by the observation that the signs, billboards and advertising are “all written in Thai”.
7:34pm: They decamp to the appropriately named Hotel Muse to receive hot face towels, drinks and tropical refreshments and marvel at the chance to sleep on high thread count pillows with their names stitched into them. The next day during spontaneous pool party scene, a nice Thai man arrives bearing Jen Mail. “As a top model your body will always be your temple,” the letter reads. “However, today it’s time to open the window to your soul.” 
7:36pm: Someone interprets this as a trip to the Taj Mahal [note: not in Thailand], a worrying sign of cultural ignorance we can forgive only if it came from the girl who had never been overseas before. “No dude,” Dajana says. She’s right of course. The bikinis are replaced with “unflattering white costumes” because the top fifteen are getting zen with Charlotte Dawson in an ornately decorated temple somewhere. “As you know,” she says. “Modelling is very much about your external beauty, today we’re going to see how you shine from the inside.” 

OMG are they turning into vampires? Please tell me they are turning into vampires. Jade, who enjoys the competitive advantage of having studied Buddhism at University and lets everyone know that fact through the most transparent humble brag ever, is excited to meet monks. 

7:39pm: Who will become Australia’s Next Top Meditator? Who knows? Not Rhiannon who takes the piss with an affected oommmmmm which is insensitive and very un-zen of her. 
7:47pm: Day two begins with Charlotte and and Didier telling ANTM’s 15 pillars of enlightenment that their next challenge involves becoming both muse and designer and accessorising a designer dress using products sourced from the local market (aka poorsville). They are split up into teams of five and told to nominate one “muse” for each group. Abbie is chosen because she has a “big personality”, per Abbie. Jade is chosen because she looks good in everything. And April is chosen because we don’t really know why April was chosen and neither does she. Each group are asked to accessorise a $600 RRP Manning Cartell dress with just 1500 Thai Baht and a remorseless approach to haggling.
7:49pm: Because we’re in Thailand they each take off in tuk tuks and investigate the jewellery situation at the markets, but not before a cutaway of Ashley not being able to recall the word “muse”, which is pretty funny but could actually happen to any of us.
7:52pm: Back at the markets it feels like one of those frantic Price Is Right shopping sprees where people go H.A.M on expensive stuff in supermarkets and cram as much shit as possible into their shopping cart except with shoes and bead necklaces. April’s team decide on a colour theme, Abbie’s team pull off the great nylon sock heist of 2013 and Jade’s team search for pieces which are “quirky, sporty, chic”. The haggling continues. Team Jade’s “sporty chic” aesthetic is placed into jeopardy when they can’t find sneaker platforms and settle instead on THE GROSSEST SHOES EVER. Sure. This won’t come back to haunt you. 
8:00pm: Now we’re on a rooftop where the groups are told to unveil their looks to Char Char and Didier. Team April channels the entitled rich person on a cruise vibe of Roman Holiday and style her in cute mustard slip-ons, a yellow Birkin bag doppelganger, a red belt and a head scarf. They have clearly heard of colour blocking. She looks and poses like a well-to-do European statue. Charlotte is impressed. Team Abbie, channeling the Kendo Avatar look, has the other groups in fits of laughter. Charlotte is not impressed. “I expect every model to take this competition seriously” Didier says in a way that no one will ever take seriously. Theirs is actually well recieved. Abbie looks like a futuristic ninja waitress and Charlotte says their progressive approach to styling is something you would see on a runway. Ashley fights tears + feelings of social exclusion when Charlotte asks if Team Jade operated with togetherness. They stick the sport chic landing except for the shoes which Charlotte calls bricks. Team April wins and go off to claim their reward: a poolside mani pedi. 
8:07pm: The next day it’s photo shoot time. Didier forgets his sleeves and welcomes the girls to Picturesque Rural Photoshoot Setting, Thailand. They meet Tusk the elephant which is not a metaphor for Didier’s penis. Then they meet photographer Kane Skennar who has worked previously for Harper’s BAZAAR and Rolling Stone. He tells them to channel a “rich chic lost traveler” vibe which to us means terrified and disorientated.
8:16pm: After hair and make-up it’s shoot time. Abbie takes direction well. Shannon has to work on being less robotic and and looking less like a fugitive serial killer. Ashley nails it. Madeline is scared and second guessing herself which is very “lost traveler” but not what Didier & Co. are looking for. Brooke breaks the “commercial” mould pre-ordained to her by the Fashion Gods and shows she can do high fashion which is probably a lot like watching a dog put trousers on. April works fast and efficiently. Taylor is disgruntled by the heat and lets it show by being a passive aggressive douche about it. And the rest are somewhere in between.
8:23pm: Now it’s “proper elimination” time. More importantly, the first appearance of Sunglass Head.

8:24pm: The judges, Charlotte especially, say April’s face has a Kirsten Stewart edge to it which is a soft way of diagnosing her with Bitchy Resting Face.  

8:25pm: Sunglass Head and Char Char Binks bicker about the artistic credibility of having your hand in your pockets. 
8:26pm: Char Char becomes the best person in the history of Australia’s Next Top Model by saying that Ashley’s eyes are burning holes into her “bottoxed head”. Duckie and Brooke pass with flying colours.

8:27pm: Char Char strikes again! She politely informs Dajana that the “lost traveler” of the brief would never have her legs so far apart. Later, she tells Shannon that she looks constipated. Char Char: 1000. Everyone else: 0.

8:29pm: The judges patronise Taylor for complaining about the heat after which Sunglass Head initiates #nofilter mode and says, “I don’t think she’s that beautiful and that’s all I have to say”. CAN YOU STAND THE HEAT NOW TAYLOR?   
8:34pm: A lot of “intense energy” later and Shannon and Chanique are the remaining two contestants. The harder to spell of the two is told that she will no longer be in the running to be Australia’s Next Top Model and for that she is sad face emoji. 

And then there were fourteen.

8:36pm: Join us next week as the Top 14 head to Model Boot Camp, where one model astutely observes there is “100% poo” in the mud. Chic! Also, someone takes a trip to the Emergency Room. Not chic! Until next time, stay fashion and/or On Top.