The best episode of any season of Survivor is the Survivor Auction episode. That remains true of Australian Survivor as well. It’s the episode where starving, dirty, exhausted cast members – who have all been eating not much more than their own farts for over a month – are lured into spending absurd amounts of money in exchange for a lick of a Big Mac wrapper. It’s where eager Survivors lay down their full allotment of cash on a mystery item only to find out they just bought themselves a clip ’round the ears with a dead fish. It’s the episode where a shrewd bid and a bit of fear amongst the rest of the tribe sees someone walking away with a 4kg rib eye steak for about half its actual market value. It owns incredibly hard.
[jwplayer RfLMYyUD]
Last night’s episode of Australian Survivor featured the long-awaited merge of the Champions and Contenders tribes, heralding the start of the fully individual game. And to celebrate, impossible stacked lad Jonathan LaPaglia brought out the treats for the gang: The Survivor Auction, in all its glory.
It’s all well and good to simply tell you what happened in the auction. It’s far funner to cast a critical eye over proceedings and give a letter grade to each of the purchases made. Far, far, far funner.
Item 1) Choccy Milk
Purchaser: Sam
Price: $80
Purchase Grade: A
In Survivor Auction terms, $80 is a goddamned bargain. And by the looks of it the blessed Sam not only scored himself an icy cold glass of choccy milk, but a fairly decent cum as well. Plus given he’s a genius, he absolutely bid $80 deliberately just so he could tell the nation exactly how much money he had left.
That’s enough for a really, really good servo pie 😉 #SurvivorAU pic.twitter.com/YsPa1unRtI
— SurvivorAU (@Survivor_AU) September 4, 2018
Outwit. Outplay. Out bong.
Item 2) Mystery Item #1 – Beggar’s Table
Purchaser: Shane
Price: $250
Purchase Grade: B+
Very quietly the purchase of the auction. Despite it buying her way out of proceedings, Shane got to spend the rest of the auction at a quite neat little table begging for scraps off everyone else. And in a situation where everyone else is starving, that’s about as each way as an each way bet gets. Basically cops a Survivor degustation. A little taste of everything. Shane, you crafty old binch. I love it.
Item 3) Poached Eggs on Toast
Purchaser: Fenella
Price: $200
Purchase Grade: C-
Those eggs look absolutely dogshit, and at $200 that’s about the price you’d pay for it at an inner-Melbourne cafe. At least there though there’d be enough Sriracha nearby to make those discus-lookin’ eggs taste halfway decent.
Item 4) An Entire Pavlova
Purchaser: Sian
Price: $320
Purchase Grade: C
20-odd days living off of rice and beans and suddenly you’re gonna shovel a metric tonne of cream, eggs, and sugar down your throat? A perfectly fine purchase if the upcoming immunity challenge was “who can violently shit the most.”
Item 5) Mystery Item #2 – Rice
Purchaser: Brian
Price: $320
Purchase Grade: D-
Sometimes in Survivor Auction you risk it all and get a turd sandwich in return. Poor Brian, leaping at a chance to score a Mystery Item, doesn’t realise that if Mystery Item 1 is secretly kinda good, Mystery Item 2 is almost certainly going to suck ass. Rule of threes, you deadshit. Rule of threes.
Item 6) Mystery Item #3 – Burger & Fries
Purchaser: Benji
Price: $460
Purchase Grade: A
Dead set, you’d suck off a palm tree for even the most chip shop of burgers after a few days on Survivor island. Only loses points for going to Benji, who is a goddamned snake with an annoyingly mangled accent, and for Benji going full coward and not slapping the full $500 down on it immediately. The fuck you gonna do with $40 remaining, my good bitch?
Item 7) Jar of Lollies
Purchaser: Shonee
Price: $500
Purchase Grade: A+
Huge get. HUGE get. A giant jar of energy bursts that you can take back to camp with you and use just prior to challenges. Absolutely genius buy. And the fact that there’s a vote-stealing advantage hidden within it is the cherry on an already shithot cake. Shonee forever.
Item 8) Three Nights in a Double Bed
Purchaser: Brian
Price: $160
Purchase Grade: B-
Cheap at twice the price, but the only non-food prize on offer. A comfy bed and a pillow for three nights? Of course Brian gets it. The most Dad prize of all going to the most Dad contestant on the series.
Item ?) Pizza
Purchaser: Lydia
Price: ???
Purchase Grade: B
For whatever reason they never showed it during the episode but that is very clearly Lydia very clearly eating what is very clearly a pizza. Where the hell did it come from? Why the shit wasn’t it aired? Did she pay like $20 for it? Was the transaction that boring that they had no option but to cut it for time? In what moonman world is a multi-time Olympic medalist with a body fat count of -10 woofing down a piping hot pizzy like she was chasing a world record not the best thing you could ever put on TV at any given point?
Still, a pizzy is a pizzy. And a pizzy is always good.
