Here’s what I know to be true about being insanely rich: The second you breach a certain threshold of wealth – for the sake of this argument, let’s say it’s a net worth of around $12 million – certain things happen to your personality. Firstly, you instantly learn what a Franking Credit is, and you become violently incensed at anyone trying to take it away from you. Secondly, you start treating all hospitality staff with insane rudeness. And thirdly, you start liking truly godawful shit. Your taste in everything is ferociously bad. All your casual dress shirts have gold-leaf patterns on them that take up 3/4 of the garment and look like a Tarocash threw up on you. You start going to restaurants that exclusively serve an elephant’s butt but because some French tosspot named “Pierre del Fuck” cooked it it’s got a Michelin star. And every piece of furniture you buy to put in your house costs $25,000 and looks like hot buttered ass. And I know all this to be true now more than ever, because Andy and Deb did not win The Block last night.[jwplayer LDtuZoNS]
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Anyone with two eyes and a normal brain would easily recognise Andy & Deb Saunders Block house, house number 3, as by far and away the most beautifully conceived, designed, and styled house on this year’s series. And yet because anyone who has $3.5 million to just spend on a house also thinks pairing Ed Hardy’s finest button-up with off-the-rack jeans is the height of fashion, they somehow did not win.
That’s not to say that Andy & Deb didn’t walk away with anything; a $430,000 profit is a mighty reward, and was good enough for third place overall on this year’s winnings.
But bloody hell, their house is *spectacular*. Are you seriously trying to tell me there isn’t one real estate guzzling bajillionaire faffing about their off-the-grid Coffs Harbour tree palace keen to drop a straight $5 million on the barefoot inner-city beach mansion of their dreams? Get the fuck outta here.
The kitchen alone – ALONE – is worth $3.5 million. Look at it! Look at that motherfucking void.
Bury me in that void. Kill me dead right now and suspend me in it like a wayward kid in IT. That kitchen void is the truth. It is the everlasting. It is all things good and right in the world.
And that mentions nothing – not a word – about their studio bedroom, which reduced a grown-ass woman to tears. A room did that. By itself.
‘Course Shaynna Blaze then turned around and scored another studio room higher, which is a whole bloody thing, but what’s done is done there.
And then there’s the guest bedroom, for crying out loud. How’s the colour palate on it! Who runs rose gold and salmon pink into rusty green like that? Geniuses, that’s who. Geniuses who deserved to win The Block.
I’m going to rob the New York Stock Exchange and buy this place off the penny-pinching dork that nabbed it just so I can roll around in that colour palate for a day.
I mean, this is their hallway, for crying out loud. This magnificent shit is casually in a house that a TV couple built.
Someone will be living there soon. They’ll have the option to enjoy that every single day of their lives, and they’ll probably opt to take it down instead. Because rich people’s taste in shit is appalling.
Andy & Deb were robbed of The Block win, and their magnificent, spectacular house should be written into design textbooks for the next decade.
This is my hill, and I’ll gladly be dying on it.
