An Unbiased Compatibility Assessment Of The Final Two ‘The Bachelor’ Bachelorettes


Tonight on Channel 10, one young woman’s endless quest for The D and True Love (in that order) will come to a chilling lady climax. After that goes down on The Project, the final episode of The Bachelor will also go to air and noted scrub and chiropractor Tim Robards will bestow on one stage five clinger that which we call a rose, which by any other name would wreak of cheap. It’s riveting stuff, I guess?

I’ll level with you: I’ve spent more time in the last couple of months during which The Bachelor has aired watching my dog shamefully defecate on my lawn than I have spent watching The Bachelor. Which is to say, I don’t make a habit of watching my dog make waste and nor do I make a habit of watching The Bachelor. It’s for this reason that I’m perfectly poised to offer you A Totally Unbiased And Not At All Ridiculous Appraisal Of The Bachelor’s Compatibility With The Final Two Bachelorettes, whose names I’ve just discovered are Rochelle (L) and Anna (R).

Opinion on who should win Robard’s <3 are fiercely divided, ranging from those who would write passionate edicts in favour of one to aggressive indifference from others who are so self-righteously serious in their viewing tastes that they could not possibly stoop so low as to have an opinion on matters such as these.

Disclaimer: Leave all your standards here and collect them on the way out.   
HARD FACTS
With 23 Pecks and 7 Kisses equating to a total of 40 Love Interactions, Rochelle – a 27-year-old model who describes herself as DRAMATIC! and probably uses spirit fingers to add emphasis in all earnestness – is narrowly leading the Love Leaderboard with more quantified affection than Anna, a 26-year-old lawyer. Anna only has 4 Kisses and 24 Pecks. Both share 10 Embraces apiece. I can’t believe this is a thing.

Rochelle: One, Anna: Zero

DATING PROFILE ASSESSMENT – ROCHELLE
Rochelle has the backwards shit-eating pinch-faced sphincter-grin of a Type A nightmare. She auditioned for The Bachelor because she just exited a three year relationship and was “lonely and disheartened” at the beginning of the year. Auditions for this show started in May, meaning Rochelle resolved to go from long-term relationship to reality television in less than six months, meaning Tim is a rebound and “rebounds never work”; which is something I imagine someone who has more of an idea than I do would say. Rochelle’s idea of the perfect date sounds totally disingenuous: “volunteer work like cleaning an animal shelter or visiting sick children, planting trees – doing some good! I’d also love a romantic dinner before a musical theatre show.” I don’t buy Rochelle’s hollow  schtick one bit. No one wants to hose shit off concrete on a date, that’s a total boner kill.  
DATING PROFILE ASSESSMENT – ANNA
There’s something intensely aquiline about Anna’s face; it’s predatory and ever so slightly unhinged, which I guess makes perfect sense because she’s on The Bachelor. Anna describes herself as “down to earth, vibrant and charismatic”. A cornerstone rule to carry with you throughout the duration of your life reads as follows: anyone who describes themselves as ‘down to earth’ is wholly the opposite. When asked for the key to a successful relationship, Anna – who has never been in one – offers this non-answer: “My parents have been married for 35 years now.” Having skirted the question entirely, it’s safe to say Anna is totally lacking in the ability to answer a question directly and honestly, meaning she’s hiding some disgusting secret. I do not trust her.

Rochelle: Two, Anna: Zero  

THE EXPERT’S PICK
Former Labor leader and forevermore national embarrassment, Mark Latham, wrote a passionate op-ed in favour of The Bachelor in which he didn’t explicitly pick a winner, but instead offered this sage council:
“Whatever they have in looks – and the two remaining contestants, Anna and Rochelle, have plenty – they lose in emotional retardation.
So cheer up, ladies. Even if you’re a two-bagger, or worse, the host of the Ernie Awards, you’re not without hope in the meat market of life.”
I think that means we’re all losers here, especially that sexist jerk.

OFFICE POLL
At the time of writing, a high-priority (!!) office poll garnered responses as far ranging as “neither”, “Rochelle purely because Anna’s voice really irks after a while” and “I choose a dose of cyanide”. The overwhelming majority were in reluctant favour of Anna, for her tenuous resemblance to Amanda Clarke and for having the better smize out of the two.

Rochelle: Two, Anna: One

FACEBOOK POLL
According to the results of a poll posited to my highly-scientific Facebook feed, Anna is a bitch who wears stupid lipstick to the beach and Rochelle is in a SlimFast ad and that says all you could ever possibly need to know about both contenders. Again, most people sided with Anna. The popular choice was either ‘neither’ or Laura, because “I saw her in the city the other day and she looked as miserable as she spent her entire two episodes on the show looking.”

Rochelle: Two, Anna: also Two

DOPPELGÄNGER DEATH-MATCH

If pitted against each other in a fight to the death, ask yourself who would win out of each Bachelorette’s doppelgängers: Kate Miller-Heidke or Jennifer Coolidge? Answer: there’s no question, Jennifer Coolidge has nails, height, girth and the physical prowess of a woman who played Stiffler’s Mom four times; Kate Miller-Heidke has too many feelings and they’d just get in the way.

Rochelle: Three, Anna: Two

Photo: Michael Buckner, Brendan Thorne via Getty

TERRIFYING BABY FACE MASH 
Though it pains me to choose either, Anna’s mutant spawn (R) wins this round.

Rochelle: Three, Anna: also Three

CONCLUSION
Rochelle and Anna should use the leverage gained by their time on The Bachelor to parlay the exposure they so obviously desired into a D-Grade Australian media career. Robards should do the same in his thirsty pursuit of The Ladies.

Nobody wins.

Photo: via Channel Ten

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