All – repeat, ALL – the Geckos that Russian sent into space to root like teens drunk on half a bottle of Passion Pophave died.

You might recall a little while ago that the Russian space authority had sent a satellite up into orbit with Geckos on board, the scientific purpose of the mission was to gauge the effects of zero gravity on the reproductive system. Then, at some point during the mission, the Russians managed to lose contact with the bright, shooting star of lizard jizz.

The world, quite rightly, was outraged.

Now we have the unfortunate duty of bringing the grave news that, though the Russians did re-establish contact with the satellite and managed to bring it back down to Earth safely, when officials cracked open the capsule, all of the brightly coloured, fornicating fauna had perished. It is uncertain if the harsh conditions of space were simply too much for a bunch of landborn lizards, or if indeed, the thrill of shagging in space holds a thrill they were incapable of resisting, and they all literally fucked each others brains out.

Russian scientists will be picking apart the 44 days of footage captured during the mission – yes, there now potentially exists a 44-day long porn of geckos engaging in a space orgy the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Sex Trek II: The Wrath of Dong – to establish an exact time and cause of death.

In somewhat happier news, the Gecko’s shipmates – a troupe of flies – not only successfully survived the mission, but managed to reproduce like the dickens. Presumably because they had a buffet of Gecko carcasses to feed on, and thus had the energy to root with the kind of bravado reserved for mid-30s married couples who have sent the kids away for the weekend in order to try recreational viagra for the first time.

Farewell, you brave, erect souls. May you bone in peace for all eternity.